Torn between what to do

[Lochlie]

Hi, I've NC for this. My friend has ignored me since we went on holiday together in March. No indication anything was wrong apart from her being off with me on the last day (we usually get on well so I just assumed she was tired).

Every now and again I go to write a message or letter that is apologetic and asking what I've done to hurt her. But without fail I stop because I end up angry that she's just ghosted me with no explanation or not given me a chance for me to explain if it's a misunderstanding. I feel she's assumed the worst of whatever happened and I feel really hurt by that.

I'm baffled by it and just can't think of what I could have done without being aware of it. This just feels so extreme.

I'm expecting people to just say ask her...and they'll probably be right. I want to apologise if I've done something and I accept that, if I've hurt her, then it's up to her whether she wants to continue the friendship. I just don't fall out with people and usually have some idea if something will get people's back up...I just feel so confused. Part of me just wants to forget about it if she's not prepared to give me the opportunity to explain. She moved away just before lockdown so this was a catch up holiday...there's no chance we'll just bump into each other unless we're intentional. I just hate unfinished business, plus I feel sad for our sons as they're good friends.

Sorry if this doesn't have a point, just wanting to get it off my chest and I suppose I'm asking wwyd?

Ah, I'm sorry you're in the situation. It sucks. I had something a little bit similar a few years ago with a friend. We were super close, then I came into some money, (due to bereavement) and she made a few comments about me being lucky and how she has to keep reminding herself that I only inherited because I lost my mother when I was a child, (which I thought was a rather odd and off thing to think and say at the time) and then she quickly withdrew. I was warned about her before our friendship started though so probably not the biggest shock for me. It still hurt though.

I guess the question you've got to ask yourself is how will you feel if you message her and she chooses to ignore your message? Will that give you any answers? Or will it add to your hurt.

Could you explain more about what happened on the holiday

Just ask. I 'ghosted' a friend after a holiday because she was utterly insufferable but she was not aware her behaviour was as unacceptable as it was.

If you know for sure - eg through other friends - that nothing is going on with her —— no life changing events, health issues, etc ——- I’d just write to ask, rather than wondering. And I’d be open and straight saying you have no idea if you did something, miss her, etc.
life is too short to play games and not say things you want to say

forgot to add - if you don’t know she ia actually OK - I’d ask is she is. I’d also be worried about her tbh

“If you know for sure - eg through other friends - that nothing is going on with her —— no life changing events, health issues, etc ——- I’d just write to ask, rather than wondering. And I’d be open and straight saying you have no idea if you did something, miss her, etc.
life is too short to play games and not say things you want to say”

This.

I wrote a reply out earlier and somehow deleted it before posting...here goes again!

Thank you for your replies, to answer some questions and comments -

@MMmomDD you're right, I know you're right. I just hate conflict and that I feel I've been entered into a "game" by her actions...and now I need to work out what I've done rather than us just having a chat at the time and hopefully it clear it up/apologise there and then. However I should just ask. The behaviour was very clearly linked to the holiday so I feel confident that it's not due to anything else, there are certainly no other signs it's due to something else.

@MrsTerryPratchett oh gosh, this is my fear, that I'll ask and find out I'm an awful human being! Sorry you went through that- would you have wanted to help her understand what had gone on if she'd asked you? The thing is I work in a front line job, I'm very social outside of work and I frequently go on holidays with friends (and repeat holidays with same friends)...I hope I'm not wrong but I feel that I'm pretty socially aware. Like anyone, I'm not perfect and I mess up but I usually know when I have...

@ZestyMaximus thank you - I'm sorry you went through that. I think if I messaged, and she didn't reply, I would know that I had done everything I could, even if it did hurt to not understand.

@nancydroo - it felt like a very normal holiday. We have similar interests so it was easy to plan and we split everything equally (finances, cooking cleaning etc). I think it's inevitable to have annoyances when in close quarters with others but, in my mind, you treat them with grace and understand that we're all different. All I can think of are small things where we did things differently from one another but honestly none of that seems to make sense of the extreme response?

Thanks...feels good to get unbiased opinions on it! I certainly want to know if I'm an incredibly unreasonable person to spend time with but I feel like it's most likely a misunderstanding that's now grown because she didn't just chat about it...and that frustrates me. I will have to text though as I'm going to just worry about what I've done if not.

would you have wanted to help her understand what had gone on if she'd asked you?

Yes. However it wasn't anything she would have seen as an issue. To be vague, it was a really horrible feeling of superiority to the people in the country we were in. Just low level xenophobia. She wouldn't have acknowledged it or thought it was an issue.

You sound nice so I'm sure it's not that kind of thing. But I suppose she sounded nice to me before.

The weirdest thing though that made me realise something was up was when she got incredibly possessive over the food she bought- the last morning there were two muffins left so she gave one to her kid and then ate the other- right in front of ds despite hearing him ask me if he could have one. It was completely out of character and just bizarre. I can only think she thought that she had paid more for things but I had made sure it was evenly split so I know that's not the case if that's what she thinks? If she'd talked about it then we could have checked receipts to make sure she was happy...I was just a bit thrown and put it down to being tired. If I had known what was coming then I would have asked her there and then if she was okay.

Oh that's hard, sometimes you see another side to people that you just can't unsee. I wouldn't have any desire to maintain a relationship after that either.

I worry about being annoying or bossy

I am both annoying and bossy so I feel your pain!

@MrsTerryPratchett posted that too soon...but was meant to say that I worry about how people interpret what I do so that normally ends up making me far more the other end of always asking people what they'd like to do, checking they're happy with any suggestions. I didn't particularly mind what we did on the holiday so I don't think I would have forced her into anything...but i also did suggest ideas so I wasn't an annoying passive person waiting for her to initiate everything.

Very honest of you! I have every desire to be bossy but my overanalytical brain makes me quash that desire every time and go with the flow- it's a frustrating way to live 😂

Just send her a message asking how she is. Don't mention the holiday or ask if/what you did to upset her. If she wants to tell you she will.

That's approach I've taken until now, thinking she'll either bring it up or move on from it. She just ignores my messages so I think I'm going to have to ask her directly if we stand any chance of salvaging things. I feel I need to try if only for ds, because he's losing his friend through this.

So some things that have annoyed me on holiday with others are...

• them being slow when we're getting ready to go out. Taking ages to get ready

• Them not controlling their kids if they're naughty, loud etc. Could it have been your son?

• Being messy

Holidaying with others is a true test if friendship and now I only go with my sisters, if it's not with DH.

I'm gonna say it I love my DH but on holiday we are almost incompatible in this area . I wanna chill he wants to go on a hike up a mountain in 40 degree heat. Luckily we can just about manage to come back without killing each other each time (he doesn't hike or show any interest in hiking in Uk so it was baffling the first time he did this to me)

So do you think maybe she felt like you guys had been eating all the food or your kids had and there were none left for her children ?

Did the kids fall out ? Worth asking your son ?

@pitchforksandflamethrowers maybe but I don't see how...We don't really snack and we ate the same meals as them. The kids got on well but obviously had their moments...but nothing out of the ordinary.

@SandyY2K I'm sure I have my ways that she may have found annoying...as you say, it's a test because you always see the more unmasked version of people on holiday. However I do try to be thoughtful to other people and not be messy/running late etc while on holiday...because it's not my own space or time.

@Lochlie kids are funny creatures (they can bring out the momma bear stuff in all of us) and it maybe their child has told them something and they are only getting one side of the story.

It could be that. Or it could be something in your friends life (I went dead quite after the loss of my son - it took me 6 months to tell some of my friends to say he was born still) he kept asking for baby photos...

Or it could be people are weird, take offence to a leaf and your friend is one of those people.MN is living proof people look at the same situation totally differently and even read things that I wouldn't interpret that way

You know what the suspense would kill me I would just ask. At this point you have 0 to lose and at least a explanation to gain. If you do get a response do update let us know.

Being ghosted is painful. Personally I would prefer people to just call me a cunt tbh but that maybe because I'm not British