Hello MN
Longtime lurker, first time posting :)
I am looking for some advice as my head is racing with thoughts and I am scared to speak to my family and friends as I feel a bit of a failure.
I've been with my husband for 12 years, married 6 years. He is a lovely guy who I will always care about but I feel that I no longer love him anymore. This isnt a new feeling, I have felt like this for a very long time and it's time I address it as it isnt healthy, I want to be happy.
Husband has told me in the past he is unhappy in our marriage as it doesnt feel loving anymore, as we havent had sex in so long. I've told him that I dont want sex until our relationship is sorted. That may sound harsh but to have sex, I need to feel the urge to, I must feel an attraction.. I havent felt this in so long.
For the last couple of months, we have felt like strangers. He comes homes from work, usually late, is usually grumpy, doesnt want to engage in conversation, and usually gets angry with our dog for being excited to see him. He will go to bed sometimes without saying goodnight. When we do talk, we have nothing to say to each other - it usually ends up being a chat about how both of our jobs are doing. I enjoy my work so I dont mind chatting about it but I want random conversations, I want to talk about politics, funny things that have happened in the day... just anything really. I am finding that I am making more and more plans with friends and family so I am out of the house and spending time with people who make me laugh etc. when I am out of the house, I find that I no longer think of him or wonder what he is doing. I only text to see how our dog is (I really love her to pieces!).
I said months ago that we need some time apart and we both got really upset by this and it was then forgotten about - because it was easier to do that than deal with the situation.
We had sex a few weeks ago because my husband was complaining that its been months, I didnt enjoy it and didnt enjoy him touching me - I sound so bad for saying that :(
What I really want is to spend time with someone who I love, plan days out, to chat for hours about anything, to go out for dinners with good conversation, so be with someone who I can cuddle and kiss without then thinking that its time for sex and to be felt up.
I am only 32 but I feel like such a failure. All my friends are married and some have started families. I'm scared about starting again but also a little excited by the thought of having a fresh start, meeting the person I am mean to be with.
My husband said to me the other day that he feels upset that we havent had sex yet his friends are starting families and when can we do that. I said next year. However, when I really think about it, I can honestly see us starting a family but would it be what I want, with him? No. I cant keep living this life.
Is anyone in the same position? How did you handle it? We have family coming over next week for a few nights. I dont know if I should tell him I want a separation now or after that. I am also scared financially as he is the main earner and earns probaby 4x more than me. He pays more towards our mortgage every month (I do pay a %) so will i get a 50/50 split?
I just dont know what to do :(
thanks xx