I've realised something about myself, I don't like it,

[awakeupcall]

What can I do to change myself?
I now realise that I go over and above for everybody close to me.
I have no problem doing that but then get very hurt when I need help and support that those people do not help me in return.

I don't do things for people for a return but I get hurt when they care so little and are so happy to take without giving. These are people that I love .

I've seen this through friendships and relationships and have stopped this behaviour in friendships.

I have however got stung again in my most recent relationship.

I have given too much and my health suffered.

We are over now because I lost all respect for him when he failed to be there for me when I needed him, despite bending over backwards for him when he needed extra support.

No, he never explicitly asked me to bend over backwards for him but never stopped to share the load when he was ok again.

I know it's me and my failings.

What can I do to make sure this does not happen again?

awakeupcall if you find the answer please can you let me know? I've recently come out of a relationship that has ended have his mental breakdown last summer. He sold his house and car and I invited him to live with me for a few weeks as he was in a bad way. He did nothing around the house, drank excessively, occasionally cooked, paid nothing towards bills - I eventually asked him to leave at the end of June but it was the end of July before I went and during the last 2 months I got accused of being bossy (I asked him to clean up the toilet he had used and left in a state) , controlling, selfish and inconsiderate.

My current plan is to stay single and friendless and enjoy my cat and newly inherited fish (singular) and my adult children when they aren't busy. At least that way I won't get hurt again.

Its called The Fawn response. im in a rush so cant elaborate her. have a google, Its very common in people pleasers that struggle with boundaries

Have a look at a recent thread on AIBU about 'doing a U turn and setting boundaries'. Also Pete Walker book on CPTSD. People pleasing is a maladaptive defense mechanism caused by childhood trauma. It's very common. You're not alone!

Find something you love doing, pottery, gardening, netball, get a dog, city weekends.

And make sure that always comes first.

"Sorry you can't stay I need the spare room as a studio"

"Sorry I can't help you move house that weekend I'm booked to go to Paris"

"Sorry can't do Tuesday I have netball"

"Oh the house has sold, want me to come and see rental properties with you?" (Which is clearly what you should have said but learn for next time)

In relationships I find folks who do this are desperate to be with soneone, so they throw everything at it, the receiver seldom respects it , often abuses it and the giver often gets hurt. It’s a terrible cycle.

you need to act like an equal in a relationship. not the persons servant. Take time to understand what’s appropriate behaviour, how not to fawn over soneone,, it will rarely end well for you , I’m sorry,

I always think there's a teeny bit of people who do this who quite enjoy the view of themselves as the one who gives and gives.
Its like taking permenant residence on the moral high ground. You're selfless and put upon, other people are a bit rubbish by comparison. Its actually quite a flattering view of oneself, if inconvenient because you give more than you recieve.
I think the way through it now you've recognised you don't want to do this anymore is to be really honest with yourself as to what you're actually getting from your behaviour that makes you keep repeating the pattern. What is the need in you that this behaviour is meeting, and how could it be met in a healthier way?

What does "over and above" really mean anyway? And if it caused the type of stress that impacted your health then it really is something you have to look at adjusting. I watched a video by Gabor Mate that I remember when reading your OP

Watch it from 12:45 onwards (till whenever you want to) or watch the whole thing - it's been a while since I watched it and iI will do again soon. It might be interesting. It might not but I found it helpful when I realised the same as you.

Thanks for all the replies.
I am a nurse so it is in my nature and paid job to care/ sort/ solve .
I won't lie, I do get great validation from that professional help that I can give but it's seeped into my personal life and I have now become an unpaid carer for those who need it in my life and I'm struggling with who I have become.
It's drained me.
Thanks for YouTube clip.
It's so interesting. Makes lots of sense.

I never saw it as a ' I'll do
You a favour , you do me a favour'
What I have noticed is that when I need help and support , those people adisappear but in fairness, I've got rid of them now.