How to untangle this to decide what to do?

[bolof]

I bought a house in March near my family. I did it because I had a young dc on my own (10 months) and the house was a good buy, size wise etc and was a huge upgrade on where I was before.

But… my dad is quite selfish. Not financially or anything like that but just likes to be in control of my mum. If I want a night with my mum in front of the tv he would either have to be there or he wouldn’t allow it as he would feel abandoned. He’s quite difficult. I don’t ever feel supported by him other than financially. Which is obviously some support - ie around 8k a year.

anyway. I’m finding it hard that i can’t seem to spend time with my mum without him being involved in some way. I raised it with my mum but they are so toxic as a couple that she says I am trying to come in between their marriage. It’s all messed up BUT there are times my mum is great, very supportive, very positive and happy etc.

im finding the dynamic hard and I knew this was likely to happen. I plan to move away again in a couple of years but in the meantime how would you deal with this?

I don’t know if I’ve explained it well at all but basically just feel I can’t have a separate relationship with my mum and the main reason for the move was to have emotional family support that I just don’t get unless my dad backs away which is rare.

Why is your dad supporting you by 8k a year?

This is a really weird family set up.

I think the only way to manage this is to accept that your parents are the way they are and you can' t have the relationship you really want with either of them. If your parents wont let you spend time with just your mum without your dad, then that's the way it has to be. Your mum isn't going to be available all the times you want/need her to be.

You say you've moved to a house that's much better than where you were before, that's good. I'm guessing your parents are at least some practical help with the baby? That's also good. But in terms of emotional support you'll have to look elsewhere.

Do you have other family nearby, or local friendships, or can you built them up? Mother and baby groups etc? If not then you might need to move again sooner than 2 years.

Why is your dad giving you 8K a year?

Why cant your mum come to your house?

It’s inheritance.

he just doesn’t like being left alone so gets cross if she is at my house. I don’t like him much as he was very unkind to me as a child, quite a messed up man.

I wonder what I was thinking by moving. It was heavily encouraged by my mum at the time. I went with it as I felt vulnerable.