I struggle with friendships

[Avocadless]

Finding friendships difficult in my late thirties, but think I always have really. I've never been anyone's "best" friend. However, many friends seem to always lean on me for advice in a crisis. I have one friend who messages me for advice about other friendships and her husband, now and then she'll listen to me about mine but the conversations are mostly one sided on her part and difficult to pull away from.

Also, I've found this friendship more difficult since she had children, I myself have children but it's as if no other children exist other than hers. She will pretend to be interested in them from time to time but it's very obvious that she isn't and it's always back to her kids again. She sends me sometimes, 30 photographs of her kids is she's been doing something with them, she never responds if I send a single photo of mine.

Another old friend of mine from college started dating someone from the town I moved to with my husband. We bumped into each other in the supermarket 5 years ago and reignited our friendship which was lovely. I had a newborn at the time, so she would often come over to my house before or after seeing her boyfriend. My baby got older so we started going for drinks, the odd curry in the evening which was great. Then she made friends with her boyfriend's circle of friends and she pretty much dropped me like a hot potato. I have tried arranging meet ups and she always cancels on me at the last minute now.

I have another friend who just talks at me so much that I am utterly drained by the time I come away from her. I have to limit contact with her for my energy levels! But she has a very kind heart so I guess this is why I've kept in contact with her.

I live in a small town (where my husband grew up) and it has a small town mentality. Most people have lived here all their lives and know each other very well, if I try to bridge friendships (I'm chatty, smiley, friendly) they don't blossom into closer friendships, they just remain very pleasant acquaintances that I chat to regularly. I don't think people here generally have room in their lives for more friends. Their lives seem full and abundant in terms of relationships. So I really am struggling to build friendships. Even the headteacher of my child's school is from this town and knows everyone.

My husband has a social circle with his old school friends, but the wives aren't friends with each other. Again, because they seemingly already have very full friendships outside of their social circle.

I have a couple of friends from school, but both have newborns and my children are now 5 and 7, so we're in fairly different stages with our kids. They are on maternity leave and I've just increased my work to work FT.

I have a job I love, but it's working from home 75% of the time so again, friendships are difficult to build. I've known most of my work colleagues for 6 years but barely see them.

I have to be careful with exercise as I have a condition which causes weakness in my joints so not like I can join a running or tennis club to make friends. My children are girls and aren't interested in football so making friends at the sidelines on a pitch on Sunday mornings isn't an option either.

I have a good friend who I made a couple of years ago- a fabulous listener but she moved to north Scotland a year ago and I live 5 hours away. I also hate driving on motorways, so this friendship couldn't blossom much either.

I have a sister-in-law who is very difficult to have a relationship with as she's set on contradicting everything I say. I've tried with her but get sick and tired of being constantly "corrected." 😒

My mum is around so I spend a lot of time socially with her since having my children, but it all feels a bit sad that I don't really have any friends. Before my children, I was friends with people who went clubbing every weekend as this was my life pretty much, however I realise this was all I really had in common with them and this isn't my life anymore (although now and then I do enjoy the odd gig).

My neighbour is very friendly but she's very active and asks me to do all kinds of sports with her, which I can't do due to my joint condition. The last walk I went on with her was 10 miles and I had to spend the following day in bed with ice packs on my knees.

I do go to a yoga group which is on a Monday morning after school run and before i start work, but it's mainly attended by over 55s so again, friendships are hard to build, although I have been for coffee a couple of times with one of the ladies which I really enjoyed.

I've never even been a bridesmaid for anyone.
Where am I going wrong?
I'd understand if people don't contact me to meet up or for a chat, but they do, I'm just not in anyone's close circle.

I am the same. I'm have lovely colleagues who I definitely class as my close friends and we sometimes go out together.

My best friend from school, well we see each other every few months. My children are teenagers/school age and she has a baby now. But I can guarantee she won't invite me to her wedding, although she was my maid of honour. She said she's having a small wedding, family and close friends, but I got the feeling I wouldn't be included in that and I am hurt tbh.

No one seems to care about me except one friend from work. I have no parents. My brother and I are close but busy and don't live near each other.

My marriage has disintegrated into nothing.

It must be me but I feel like I'm always there for people, listening, helping, being nice. So not sure where I go wrong. Maybe I'm not likeable?

I just wanted to say it's not just you!

Everything you describe is the same for me too @Climbingthelaundrymountain My "best" friend was my maid of honour but didn't make me a bridesmaid at her wedding although I did get to attend.

My marriage has also disintegrated which makes it even worse. Maybe this is why? Our marriages have made us lose our sense of worth and self esteem perhaps?

Also, my husband was diagnosed ASD last year and I see similar triats in some of the friends I've described here and wondered if I've attracted people who aren't great at building friendships- particularly with the one sided monologues from two of my friends.

Perhaps you're right. I've wondered if I have something underlying going on though. I know for sure I don't do the monologue thing because I make a conscious effort during every conversation I have to ask questions and respond.

Joining the thread as feeling particularly down about this right now. I have a couple of genuine, close, equal friendships (but sadly 2 out of 3 live in different countries), aside from that I have lots of lovely acquaintances around me via work and just generally in the community, but that’s it. I feel like people are not drawn to me as that someone worth spending their spare time with. My post would appear otherwise but I’m actually a positive person, but I definitely don’t have any spark or excitement to my personality as I’ve gotten older. Thanks for letting me share!

It's difficult isn't it @Billylilly to work out why it happens.

I think I'm mostly chatty and quite positive too. For me, I think it's difficult for the foundations of close friendships to form due to circumstance. Changing the circumstances I'm finding tricky.

I work a lot and need to go to bed early which doesn’t make me the other preferred person for a night out with. To be fair, I also don’t love being around people I’m not comfortable with so have been known to turn down offers to go out in larger groups. I probably only have myself to blame for the situation I’m in.

I may be off the mark but I struggle to form strong friendships with people who are very closed off and don’t reveal anything about themselves. It’s hard to get close to people if they never actually reveal their personality. You don’t have to be an oversharer but it’s nice to know someone who leads a normal life rather than a perfect wonderful one. I have a friend who I distanced myself from because she’d tell you “we are so pleased with our new house, it’s just perfect” when in reality they’d had sleepless nights, huge regret and arguments because they were so worried about the amount of damp in the house and it actually needed a complete rewire. (We heard these things from their family, my friend didn’t let on at all). I’d feel like I knew her more if she said “oh dear, we made a mistake, it’s going to take a lot of work”. As it turns out they’ve renovated and it is a beautiful house now. I just didn’t understand why she lied to me, it would never occur to me to lie about having such a perfect house if it was causing me so much stress. There are many other examples but you get the idea. Do you think that might apply to you?

Sorry I didn’t realise this was an old thread!

HI, I wonder if you might see a similar thread beginning to develop but, me too - i feel the same. I feel lonely, at times bored, back and legs hurt stopping me from doing what i would love to do, but i have the busiest life ever. My family live 2.5 hours away - ive always yearned a mother who 'loved' me and grew as a close mother daughter relationship but nope. I dont have a close family and feel that sometimes i exist in the world without real grounded roots. I have behind me - a horrible divorce, a new husband, 2 children, 2 step children one dog. One killer masters degree and one emotionally draining full time job. I have friends - yes, some lovely friends but not a group, not someone who 'knows' me. Some of my friends are very draining on a one to one, but kind lovely people. I always wish i had had a sister. I feel that life is just waiting for something. I shouldnt but i feel so discontent. I think what is it about me? I have everything i need material wise, career wise, I even have friends. I know in my heart these issues are probably related to my own character, thought processes and emotional health but i have not been able to make a friendship that is like a sister. ive never been a bridesmaid, i moved away from the area i grew up. i live in Wales but being English its just never happened for me. Just feel lonely, but i think this is so common in your 30s 40s and beyond. Im quite quiet by nature, but happy, chatty, friendly and dont have issues talking to people. Just feel like i meet loads of people but dont feel that connection. Im scared of my life ending and i have this quiet feeling of.. well was that it? Is this the best i could have got from life? You can have all the trimmings and trappings of material things but all most of us want in life is to belong, feel accepted and be part of a community whatever that may look like. Just to feel alive.
I wonder if i should get myself some therapy :)

I have read this thread and reflected. I think it’s harder as a Middle Aged woman to
really connect with people.

I have lovely friends but always feel a bit hurt when I think I’m not invited to things. I don’t know if I need to be better at being a bit more real but I’m now in this pattern.

the times when I do show my vulnerable side have usually meant people seem to like or respect me less so I often don’t bother. Maybe it’s all normal

I don't think I've found it harder to connect, more that there are fewer opportunities to meet women once dcs grow older and more independent.

I've always worked at sociable workplaces - that's helped massively. I volunteer and try to join any group I find interesting. Between all of that, the friends I made when the dcs were small and my uni mates, life is quite full.

What I have found in recent years is that some seemingly string friendships are just not meant to last, for all kinds of reasons, their relocation, separation, mental health issues in some cases, and that never really gets less painful.

I feel the exact same way and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Im 31 and I have 1 close friend - I would say she is a good friend but I would put in a lot more effort with her than she does with me. I don't understand why I don't have many friends, I try to be chatty, seem interested in people, try to find a common ground, try hard to form stronger friendships past the surface level but it just never works out. I thought recently maybe I'm 'trying too hard' but it just leaves me feeling/looking even more of a loner in group situations now that I've stopped trying as hard, as no one ever reaches out or makes the effort to get to know me. I'm in a sports group but everyone already has their friend groups formed so I feel very alone at training and at matches. I am a nice person and I'm a great friend. What am I doing wrong?

Don't sweat the small stuff

I think as we age from our twenties and tend to form long term relationships friendship becomes harder to sustain in a lot of respects. Once you 'settle down' and have children life becomes a little insular in that time is given to work and family meaning in reality there is little left to sustain friendships to an extent you may wish.

I have found that my friends all have families now and logistically planning and doing activity of any kind is logistically exhausting and removed a lot of the spontaneity that is an important part of a friendship.

As we age we become more discerning about friendship choice as maturity gives us the wisdom to know we choose out friends and even if need them. As life makes us a little more cynical new friendships take on a more transactional nature with people wanting to know what benefit a relationship has before committing to it emotionally.

additionally social reality means when we are in a stable relationships friendships with the opposite sex being their own issues and befriending people of the same sex when they have partners still makes for a challenging dynamic.

Once children have grown, towards retirement, the intensity of life decreases and I think there are opportunities then for long term stable friendships