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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship with in-laws changed after marriage?

4 replies

brambleyhedges · 16/09/2022 09:28

I want to know if anyone else has had this experience. I was with my DH for 9 years before we got married - we got together when we were 18. I know his family extremely well and vice versa - we’ve all been on holidays together, I’ve spent Christmasses with them, considered his siblings some of my closest friends. My DMIL was someone who I could always rely on and who helped me through some difficult personal times.

They were all super happy for us when we got engaged and it was lovely at first. Then really small stuff started to change, and at first I just really felt like it was me. But DMIL started being kind of mean to my husband as well, and acting like he was her least favourite child in quite an obvious way, which came completely out of the blue. Once shortly before the wedding we were spending an evening with her and she was so nasty and belligerent to me about me not changing my name when we got married I had to excuse myself to go off and cry!

Anyway, we’ve been married for two years now and this has just continued. There’s just something slightly nasty underlying some of our interactions now. My friend who I’ve discussed this with says it’s because she doesn’t like that we’re our own family unit - her other two children are both still single. But it just feels horrible. I’m sorry I can’t give any concrete examples but it’s just like when I was at school and I get these occasional flashes that she is trying to make me upset. I don’t rise to it - although my husband sometimes does - and just don’t engage but it makes me so sad as I feel like I lost family when we got married rather than gained it. I just feel confused, you know? And I don’t understand why she also has to be horrid to her son!

Wondering if anyone else felt a shift like this when they got married?

OP posts:
newtb · 16/09/2022 09:47

Yes, it happened to me. She even used to ask xh to go 'home' to her before coming home from work. It was insecurity. Took about 10 years for her to get over it.

brambleyhedges · 16/09/2022 09:55

Sorry this happened to you too @newtb although glad she finally grew out of it! 🙄In my case she goes through stages of not even being very nice to her son anymore. So weird!

OP posts:
Juicelooseabootthehoose · 16/09/2022 09:56

She might have hoped that DH would 'outgrow' your relationship if you were young when you got together. She could be uppity about you not changing your name and 'not wanting to be part of their family'.

DH and I were similar (met young, got married after long time together etc). We used to go out a lot with DH's family, go on holidays together etc. PIL used to use us an excuse to go to the pub on a Saturday night TBH. We drifted from DH's family a bit after the ten year mark. Which was also when we got married. But it was more about going out less while we were saving for house/wedding/kids. SIL and BIL also separated around the same time which caused a bit of a rift. But there was no 'fall out' as such.

Be warned, she will probably try to worm her way back in if and when you have kids.

brambleyhedges · 16/09/2022 10:03

Very interesting @Juicelooseabootthehoose - sounds similar. I do sometimes wonder if we’ve just outgrown them…

And I worry a lot about the kids thing now. I don’t know if I’ll be able to forget all this weirdness if that happens.

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