Over-thinker on husbands to be small white lies

[Gaga1234]

So I have some trust issues. My partner and I recently had a baby, and before I got pregnant and whilst pregnant he was the best, no complaints. After I’ve had the baby he has changed, it has now been 7 months. He started talking to me like shit and just generally had changed.

A few white lies have come to light and I am now finding it hard to trust him (my own dad left and didn’t want to know me from the age of 3 so I do have abandonment issues). One white lie would be he didn’t want to go on a stag do, said that men who want to go to Newcastle is just to sleep with women behind their girlfriends back to then find out he was trying to organise the stag do to go to Newcastle after saying how much he didn’t want to go and would miss us also. Another one was that he didn’t want to go on his works night out again to finding out he organised it. There have been more but I just do not understand it, why lie?! He recently had to delete his social media for him ‘accidentally liking girls posts’….. I did not tell him to delete this btw I saw the likes and we had a bit of a disagreement on how I find it disrespectful and have always said that from when I met him it’s not something I like, I know other people don’t mind. Am I being overly petty because I’m tired or would you feel how I do? I just feel like I’m waiting for much bigger lies to start coming.

You are right, my husband is a fan of those small white lies, but doesnt talk to me disrespectfully. But to me lying is disrespecful in itself just on a different note.
You are being ott about liking posts, I think that is weird and controlling. But as for the stag nights and lying about them, sorry but that is how he is and there will be more as time moves on, I can guarantee it. Been there, done that.

I don't see those as white lies.

It’s just lying for an easy life isn’t it.

Rather huge red flags than little white lies.
You and your baby deserve much better than this OP, leave him

@Gaga1234 sorry to read this, the way you lay it out unfortunately it feels a lot bigger than a few white lies. Clearly there’s a much broader context that’s hard to get across on a forum post but on the face of it, I think you have serious cause for concern. No need to panic though, there’s no rush and if there is something up it really is best to find out as soon as possible.

The first worrying thing is that he’s talking to you like shit since the baby arrived. I’m afraid this is quite common amongst men with an abuse mindset, when a situation changes this can be the trigger for abuse strategies. It can happen when people move in together, or that’s fine but the thing that changes the dynamic is marriage, or as in your case a pregnancy and new baby.

Next of course is the lying, but he is also essentially confessing to you too (or he’s testing the boundaries for how much you will ignore in future) that he intends to sleep with people in New Castle. He says the only reason men want to go on stag dos in Newcastle is to sleep with other women, he’s trying to go to Newcastle, you need to take him at his word. The work thing is clearly coming from a similar mindset.

Liking other women’s posts, this is not good, he is looking for someone else to sleep with, he’s doing it publicly and he felt he was “caught” so he deleted the account. I would be very surprised if he hasn’t created a new account under a different name to do just this.

You are not being petty from what I can tell, you are trying to be reasonable. Unfortunately, you can’t ignore this long term, the “big lies” are here already. If you are determined to hold on to the relationship, there are things you can do, I’m not sure this is something that many will recommend- there is a good chance his behaviour will get worse and worse.

Can I check, given that he treats you badly at the moment, do you really want to be with him?

I think you should seriously consider leaving him (making him leave -depending on housing details)

you don't 'accidentally' like girls online. He's lying to you about several things, basically telling you he's going to cheat...

you deserve better, as does your baby. The sooner you do it, the better, your baby will have no recollection of the split.

I'm sorry about your dad, but you can't stay with this twat because of that.

💐

When you say 'liking' girls online do you mean clicking like on a new profile pic or something of a friend of his? Or strange women?

The whole made up stuff about the stag would set me on red alert though no matter how innocent the fb thing.

Now when I had my first baby with my DH he took two weeks paternity. Was excited and whilst it wasn’t all roses as it never is with a new born he didn’t lie and talk to me like shit. Your partner is waving red flags now and if I was you I would use your own experience growing up to really consider what type of family life you want your child to witness. I loving , nurturing one or one where they witness their father being verbally abusive to their mum and a liar to boot

This sounds like the tip of the iceberg to me and would make me wonder what else he's deceiving you about. Think very carefully before you hitch your wagon to him. These are not solid foundations on which to build a life with someone.

I hate the phrase trust issues. It sounds like victim blaming to me.

If a man is lying to you as your DP is here then why would you trust him?? You don’t have issues. He has issues.

Id think very carefully about joining my life to someone who continually lies.

Then think again about the fact that he is saying nasty things to you.
He doesn’t sound like a keeper to me sorry

You do not have trust issues - you have a partner who cannot be trusted - simple as that. You do not have to be with him - consider leaving - he will not change. Do you want to feel like this for the rest of your life?

These aren't white lies. There's are big, red flags.

He's telling you men want to cheat on their partners and is the one actually organising it? No!

He's a liar. Period. The fact that he's a liar makes him extremely untrustworthy. As for accidentally liking posts of other women, utter bullshit, it's no accident.

As you have abandonment issues, him lying is just going to make things worse for you in the long run (and short term).

As for him talking to you like shit and him changing generally - do you want this for your future and that of your child? You are worth far more than this lying, horrible, disrespectful specimen.

Honey, this man is telling you who he is. Honestly he might love you but not enough to give you a happy life. Leave him and find someone who treasures you - someone who wants to make your life better not necessarily material wise but wants to make you happy. This man is too immature and too selfish to give you this.

Thanks for all the responses so far.

liking pics is of random half naked women who he doesn’t know.

when my daughter was 12 days old I had concerns around her breathing and he went to football while I took her to the emergency walk in centre so I think from that point I had a different view of him as he was so helpful and thoughtful before I had her.

living arrangements, he lives in my house with me which I’ve had for over 10 years so he moved in with me. While on the subject of red flags he love bombs me ALOT again after the lies I’m starting to think this isn’t genuine and he did propose to me very soon, less than a year.

all other things after the ‘white’ lies now are starting to make me question everything. He does have some good traits though not all horrendous but something is just not sitting right with me.

thanks again

Trust your gut. and no you are not being petty. Not wanting your partner to like pictures of half naked women he doesn't know on social media is not controlling. Its normal. Because any man who does that is a disrespectful turd.

And you feel like you have trust issues because he is doing things that are making you mistrust him. The stag do thing is the tip of the iceberg. To me it sounds like he is trying to make you think he doesn't want to go because everyone will be cheating, so you'll send him off thinking he'll have a crap time. In reality he is organising it and sounds like he fully intends to cheat. he was just trying to throw you off the scent basically.
Same for the work nights out. Not that he will necessarily cheat, but perhaps there is someone going who he thinks he might have a shot at. Again, throwing you off the scent. Theres a reason he is doing that. if there was nothing in it he'd just tell you he was organising a work event, because there would be nothing to try and hide from you.

I'm sorry, but it sounds like he is checking out. The fact he talks to you like crap may suggest he already has. He does not respect you. And respect is a fundamental basic requirement in a relationship. You and your baby deserve much better than that. It will just eat away at you, get rid of him before it does because it will get so much harder.

He could already have cheated unfortunately. In my experience some men start treating their partner like shit when they have been unfaithful because that somehow justifies the cheating to themselves. They can convince themselves their partner is the problem, even though they are the ones being an arsehole.

These aren't 'white' lies. They are lies.

You don't have 'trust issues', you have an untrustworthy partner.

He went out while you took your tiny baby to an emergency centre with breathing difficulties? He talks to you like shit? He looks at semi naked women and likes their posts on SM?

You and your child deserve better.

@Gaga1234 it sounds like you are on the right track with this, It will be better without him eventually.

Try to get as much support around you when you ask him to leave, people who are happy to be on the end of the phone, or happy to stay over etc if possible. If he uses love bombing, and has a track record of moving fast in the relationship, and gaslighting tendencies, he may well having some other abuse strategies up his sleeve unfortunately. If you haven’t already, I recommend you read (or reread) Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. Sending strength💐

Don’t do it !
White lies become bigger lies when they get away with it.

Big or small I can't bear being lied to, it makes me feel like the other person is treating you like some kind of an idiot.

Don't get married.
This doesn't look good to be honest.

Do you think he may be a narcissist? With you saying things like love bombing, 0it suggests you have already recognised a few traits.
If he is a narcissist run, because he will mentally torture you.