What would you do?

justwonderingagain · 2022-09-15T22:37:21+00:00

Been with my partner for 6 years. We don't live together or have children. We are both pushing 30. I know everyone moves at their own pace but I am ready to progress and want more. I said I am ready to move out as I think it will help me massively (not a good relationship in my family home) and all he said was "ah okay I understand" Not exactly the response I was hoping for He's told me he's not ready to move out and progress but after 6 years if he's not ready now, will he ever be? I just need some advice on what anyone else would do in this situation or if you've had similar experiences and everything worked out. Just looking to rant really as well as don't have anyone else to talk to about it

blockpavingismynightmare · 15/09/2022 23:38

Does your partner live at home OP?

MacarenaMacarena · 15/09/2022 23:45

Could he afford it? Would he prefer to save for a deposit and a mortgage? Did he just not get the hint that you meant move in together?

Original poster

justwonderingagain · 15/09/2022 23:47

MacarenaMacarena · 15/09/2022 23:45

Could he afford it? Would he prefer to save for a deposit and a mortgage? Did he just not get the hint that you meant move in together?

Yes he could afford it. He doesn't know mum about renting and mortgages. He is a mummy's boy and she does everything for him so that's why I think he won't move out. I wish she would kick him out sometimes lol.

OP posts:

Successgirl2022 · 15/09/2022 23:49

I would tell him if he is not moving in with me, I will find someone who will.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2022 23:50

He is a mummy's boy and she does everything for him so that's why I think he won't move out.

If you don't realise that this is an absolutely massive red flag, basically screaming at you to run for your fucking life, nothing any of us can say will help you.

Why would you even want to be with a man like this?

Successgirl2022 · 15/09/2022 23:50

My husband moved out from his parents at 23.

He started working at 18 + was studying, saved up for 5 years, and got his 1st mortgage at 23.

blockpavingismynightmare · 15/09/2022 23:51

Op This is no good is it. If you have been together for six years and he does not want to move then you have to either give him an ultimatum or get rid of him as he will not change and he is wasting your time.
I can't imagine he would be a good partner anyway as his mum probably wipes his bum as well as everything else
Six years ! Would not do for me I am afraid.
What does his mum say?

minticecreamisjustok · 15/09/2022 23:52

He doesn't want to, I wouldn't waste any more time waiting for him to want to.

Original poster

justwonderingagain · 16/09/2022 00:02

Me and his mum really get on, she has even said about us progressing. He just says he's not ready. He has a younger brother who is so much more independent than him. I feel embarrassed I am still at home and we haven't progressed at all. Last time we spoke about it we had a massive argument. The more I think and talk about it out loud the more I realise he doesn't want a future with me

OP posts:

blockpavingismynightmare · 16/09/2022 00:05

After six years no he doesn't. End it and start enjoying life OP. If you were my friend I would have told you to move on ages ago. Plus at 30 you should be in your own place

Aquamarine1029 · 16/09/2022 00:06

You are massively wasting your time and your youth, op. Please end it with him and move on to someone who wants the same future you do. Your partner is a manchild, and he will never change.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 16/09/2022 00:07

If he's not ready to move out at nearly 30, I think it's time to cut your losses and run...

Can you afford to move out on your own cos it sounds like you're ready for your own space regardless of him. Whatever happens, don't let him leach off you ie, don't be renting your own place and then funding him staying with you while he still "lives" with mummy so he can test the waters.

Honestly though, I think it's a non starter with him. And if his mum hasn't pushed for him to think about moving out, with or without you, the she needs a head wobble too.

Cameleongirl · 16/09/2022 00:13

I’d cut your losses, OP. When a relationship is right, it doesn’t usually take so long to progress. DH and I met in our mid-20’s (we’d both already left home) and were married within three years. I know the housing situation is more challenging now, but after so long together, I’d be concerned that he’s not eager to set up home with you.

it sounds as if he wants to stay at home with his Mum and that’s not compatible with your plans. I’d let him go.

Aprilx · 16/09/2022 01:09

justwonderingagain · 16/09/2022 00:02

Me and his mum really get on, she has even said about us progressing. He just says he's not ready. He has a younger brother who is so much more independent than him. I feel embarrassed I am still at home and we haven't progressed at all. Last time we spoke about it we had a massive argument. The more I think and talk about it out loud the more I realise he doesn't want a future with me

Believe this. No he doesn’t want a future with you, well not unless it involves continuing to plod along. It has been six years and you are thirty now, don’t waste any more of your time.

Dery · 16/09/2022 09:27

As PP have said - this should have happened by now. He’s not the man to try and build a future with and you’d be better off cutting him loose.

It would also be useful for you to have some experience living alone before you set up home with a partner anyway. It’s important to have experienced that independence if you possibly can. Can you afford to move out anyway - into a house share or something?

Bookworm20 · 16/09/2022 10:13

He is a mummy's boy and she does everything for him so that's why I think he won't move out.

If you don't realise that this is an absolutely massive red flag, basically screaming at you to run for your fucking life, nothing any of us can say will help you.

Why would you even want to be with a man like this?

This. 100%
And honestly if he did move in with you, you would 100% become his replacement mother.

Run for your life. You are rightly ready to move on and become independent. You do not need a overgrown child to look after the second you do that. You deserve someone who will equally look after you, and this one sounds clueless.

If you really really don't want to end it with him, I would strongly recommend planning to live on your own. And see if he miraculously steps up then.
But also, make sure he doesn't start freeloading off you once you have your own place.

RainingRubies · 17/09/2022 00:20

Yes he could afford it. He doesn't know mum about renting and mortgages. He is a mummy's boy and she does everything for him so that's why I think he won't move out. I wish she would kick him out sometimes lol.

And you consider this somebody you want to move in with? Why??

He isn't an adult. If he was and he wanted what you want he would be organising it. He isn't.

Why are you pursuing this? It makes no sense.

I don't agree with the idea that relationships have to "progress" to moving in together. That is nonsense, frankly. For many people, a very fulfilling relationship is better without all of that. People generally have far fewer relationship issues when they don't live together. BUT if that is the case for him I'd expect him to have behaved like an adult and shared his views with you by now. And I'd expect him to be an independent adult with his own home, not living with his mother.

Why do you even want this man, who clearly does not want what you want AND is not an independent adult?

RainingRubies · 17/09/2022 00:22

justwonderingagain · 16/09/2022 00:02

Me and his mum really get on, she has even said about us progressing. He just says he's not ready. He has a younger brother who is so much more independent than him. I feel embarrassed I am still at home and we haven't progressed at all. Last time we spoke about it we had a massive argument. The more I think and talk about it out loud the more I realise he doesn't want a future with me

So you still live with your parents, too?

Stop focusing on this man, or any man. Plan your life and career, and get some independence. And then date slowly and carefully and don't even consider cohabiting with a man until much later once you've spent some time living on your own and standing on your own two feet.

RainingRubies · 17/09/2022 00:28

At 30, living at home and wanting a man to make it happen for you to leave? This is a recipe for disaster, really OP. Do this stuff for yourself, then you have freedom and can choose relationships (or not) without complicating them with financial issues.

I think it sounds like you've been banking on pooling resources with him for a way to move to an independent, adult phase of life? But that is not a good plan because he could pull that out from under you at any point. You need to do this yourself - build a financially sustainable life in your own home - then look for men who are a little bit more together than the one you describe, if you want a partner.

If you do, it will then be want, not need. So a decent foundation for something that will be a positive in your life hopefully. The current setup sounds like it is doomed whatever you do, just a matter of time how long it takes to fall apart. Don't do that to yourself.