Love but not in love

[mumoftwoqueens]

So it’s come to a end between me and my partner of 8 years, we have two kids together and have had a relationship of ups and downs.
Over 8 years he’s put me through a lot, he had a bad temper, we’ve gone through the stage where he used to go out all the time drinking, we’ve had ALOT of domestics, paranoia ect(no cheating scandals though)
last year I went through the worst time where I had a abortion this was both out choices but more so his … he was very certain and I was unsure I felt like I did it out of panic and knew I would regret it. He was not supportive Whats so ever of this time and left me to grieve, cry and feel guilty without any support not even a “are you ok”
I will add he is a body builder and at this time he was prepping for a competition which means low mood, no emotions very selfish. I’ve always been supportive of his body building dream and it’s meant me and the kids had to be put further down on the priority list but never the less I supported him always…
this year has been a rocky one, it started at the start of summer when I went on a night out and he lost his head to the point he came looking. For me and caused a massive domestic ( I also didn’t have a great social life after I had my second I didn’t really go out wasn’t that interested) when he flipped over me going to a few pubs I went into panic mode and thought what the hell am I doing. I then broke up with him weeks after this I asked for a break, but never got this break as he was constantly round crying in my face making me feel guilty he was in denial we was on a break. Out of guilt I took him back and two weeks later I told him it wasn’t working I didn’t feel the same and I actually needed a proper BREAK. He moved into his mums house and we agreed he comes and stays on weekends because it’s just easier with the kids and about if normality. He stays in the same bed he kisses me he’s still referring to me like we’re together even though I’ve said so many times we aren’t and I’m trying to work out what I want. He’s always getting emotional saying how much he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me and I’m so confused I don’t know what I want !! We’re in limbo at the minute and he’s growing impatient waiting for me to make my mind up with what I want and I understand completely it’s not fair on him living at his mums not knowing what’s going on with his life. I feel so guilty for the way I feel and I hate that I’m hurting him. Im scared of actually fully breaking up losing him forever and feeling like I’ve made a mistake but I’m also feeling like I love him so much as a person the person I shared nearly 10 years with and have history and a life with but I’m not currently “in love with him”
sorry for the very large life story I’ve tried to put as much detail into this so it makes sense…if anyone can advise me because I’m making my self ill with the overthinking and the guilt

I will also add that I’m confused that I’m scared I will miss the normality of being with him, the car trips, the days out with the kids, Christmas birthdays going out for tea and im clinging onto Whats familiar rather than letting go of a relationship im not obsessed with

Roid rage.

He will deny he is taking them but his behaviour says he is.

Dont walk away.....fucking RUN!

Call Women's Aid, he is dangerous.

In the time you’ve spent apart have you had a chat to him about what is wrong in the relationship and how it can be fixed?

He sounds awful op. You’ll be so much happier without him. Don’t show your kids that this is normal.

So this is it, there has been a lot of domestics in the house over the years. He always had a temper and quick to throw things shout ive avoided a lot of the times but sometimes it turns into a slanging match. And at the end of the day I don’t want my girls to be around domestics

We have, and I can say he’s 30 soon and he has matured a lot over the past years he’s changed a lot I’ll give him credit and since he has realised he might lose me he has opened his eyes to the way he’s acted I. The past and how he can change ect. The little things like when I was doing driving lessons my mum had to come down to watch my youngest and he said why didn’t I watch the baby while you did driving lessons…house work he’s realised how much I do alone…bodybuilding he’s realised how much time he’s spent away from us doing it all and at the gym which he goes to 5 days a week after work.
his routine is home from work, shower food gym home bath bed. I’ve just allowed him to do this because I thought at least he’s got a passion and he’s not out drinking doing drums or lounging at home doing nothing but it’s meant I do everything alone. Since we’ve been in this limbo he’s gone through stages of really helping (washing up, bathing kids, decorating) doesn’t last long though….
I think I’ve mentally checked out of this relationship to be honest….

First thing is that you need to STOP SHARING THE SAME BED! You're sending him the wrong message and possibly confusing yourself in the bargain.

Yes I agree with you honestly I really do, we’ve had a few conversations where I’ve ended up just putting my foot down and saying enough is enough with this weird limbo and by the end of the convo it’s all been turned around. This is why I avoid verbal or face to face convos with hun about it I wrote a massive text to him basically endi g this “break” but he rang me and it got turned around I said about sharing a bed. I feel sorry for him because I know he loves me and he doesn’t want to lose his family and I get it it’s his home kids and love of his life but what the hell do I do….makes me feel so guilty, why am I being g so selfish when alls this is doing is hurting hun me and the kids I don’t get it

You are thinking about him all the time not you, how he feels. What about you? He sounds awful, angry, throwing stuff, looking for you when out is controlling. He is also selfish. You’d have a much calmer life without him!

You don't need to feel guilty about doing what is right for you. His unhappiness is for him to deal with.

I totally get being with someone who can argue circles round you!! The key is to simply state your position or intension, then refuse to discuss it. Remember JADE; never Justify, Apologize, Defend, or Explain. Remain silent when they start demanding answers because they're only seeking ammo to shoot down your determination to be true to yourself. If you reply say "I don't intend to (or have to) discuss this with you" or "You're entitled to your opinion, I'm entitled to mine".

You can do this!

I know I really am. I just know he’s going to be really hurt and I’m so scarred how he’s going to act is he going to kick off is he going to go emotional and do something silly to his self. How are the kids going to be. Everything in my life is going to drastically change. I moved to this town 8 years ago it’s his town I literally changed my life to suit his lifestyle and without him life is just going to be different

If by 'kick off' you mean become violent or verbally abusive, then contact Women's Aid before you say any more to him and ask them for help and resources to help you safely terminate the relationship. Be prepared to change the locks or otherwise secure your home. Again, let WA guide you.

As far a him becoming 'emotional', even up to 'doing something' again that is up to him and NEVER YOUR FAULT. But men like him rarely self harm due to a woman. We just don't mean that much to them, now matter what they say. If we did, they wouldn't treat us so badly in the first place.

You need to turn 'inward' to your own SELF, not 'outward' towards him. He's quietly and insidiously trained you to put him first, before yourself. Time to stop, regroup, and think of yourself first.

And don't totally rule out the idea of moving back to your own town. Obviously you must consider what is best for your children, but sometimes moving is still the right thing to do. No decision need be made about that now. Work on extricating yourself from the relationship, then scope out 'the lay of the land' and his post-split behavior.