Please help me work out whether to stay or leave

[2wicky]

I'm so confused at the moment and it's impacting the other areas of my life.

I'm 35 and been in a relationship with DP (not married) for 16 years. He's 43. We have DC who is a teenager now.

We are both difficult people and tbh I've no idea how we've managed to stay together so long. It's been feeling really difficult for the past year or so though.

I have PTSD from childhood stuff and so I've always been anxiously attached. I find this exhausting and I seem to waste half my life analysing, comparing myself to other women, and being anxious DP will leave me.

He has definitely got some issues although he would deny this. He is really avoidant and moody and I think has some depression.

We were so in love at the start and that seemed to get us through until recently. This year all we've done is argue and we've become really distant. We've really hurt each other at times over the years, although there have been good times too. Me with what he calls my 'weaponising' my insecurities (true, pushing him away, accusing him of wanting to cheat), and him with taking his mood swings out on me. He's also not really good at support and he refuses to talk about issues.

Recently I've had some medical problems caused by birth but for some reason only showing up now. It's prolapse, and it has really knocked my confidence, I feel like my sex life is over and I've been told no more running, no heavy lifting, lot's of restrictions, often in discomfort.

It just seems like another thing I'm going to get really insecure about. I'll feel awful if that side of our relationship goes too and I don't think the relationship will survive it. Especially given he is being pretty cold about it and has refused to talk, fearing it's just another thing I will use to push him away probably, but he was very cruel in refusing to set a time to talk. Told me to 'be brave and just end it' for example.

I find myself for the first time thinking seriously about what it would be like to be alone and without the pressure of a relationship. He's all I've ever known since I was a teenager. I feel so at peace when I think of being single as I think it would reduce my anxiety. I still love him though so it would be so hard at first, and the thought of him wit someone else kills me.

He refuses to even talk to me so no option for counselling.

Sorry this post is so long, just wondering if anyone has any insight. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

He told you to be brave and end it because you wanted to talk to him about your health problem? I’d chuck him out.

@MinnyMous Not quite as simple as that. I have another health problem I was diagnosed with years ago, and I have spent years telling him he is going to leave me because of it, that he will want other women because of it etc..

So he probably thinks I will do the same with this.

We are both in the wrong.

Maybe you are both in the wrong. He sounds like a moody arse. And sorry, but you constantly telling him he's going to cheat or leave you is ridiculous behaviour and must be unbelievably wearing. All in all, you are clearly not making each other happy, so what's the point? You sound like you would be much happier andmore at ease without him.

Oh and his attitude about your health is appalling!

Before you make any decisions - is it worth getting therapy for yourself to investigate how you feel but also deal with your attachement/insecurity issues? Pushing him away and pushing your health problems onto him (“I have spent years telling him he is going to leave me because of it, that he will want other women because of it etc”) isn’t healthy or helping (obviously his behaviour isn’t either!). It’s also not healthy for your child to see either parent so incapable of dealing with emotions in a healthy way.

get help. Work on yourself. See how you feel.

because honestly right now you are both limping along in a dead relationship and I pity the child that lives in this environment.

if he can’t change - even when you get help for yourself - then accept you’ve both outgrown the relationship and it’s come to an end.

Agree with @TheCatterall

Good luck! Sorry you are having a hard time.

'Be brave and just end it'. Why don't you? What's stopping you?
He doesn't sound like he gives you much support with your health problems and from what you've said, unlikely to change. I get that you've been together since teenagers, all you've know etc, it's hard to make the break. Just think about the next year, 2yrs, 5 yrs - do you want it to be the same as this? Start getting your ducks in a row.