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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What made you decide 'I'm done'

18 replies

foreverinmyheart · 15/09/2022 15:54

I'm interested to know when / why / how any of you got to the point of deciding you were done with a long term relationship and then ended it/left/separated?

I know there will be plenty of awful situations like cheating etc. But im more interested in those of you who left a meh situation? The kind of situation where you're unhappy and keep trying to work at it but still end feeling unhappy / stuck in a loop or pattern?

What made you crack or wake up or find the courage or motivation to end it? What stopped you for so long? How did it feel after?

Or did you ever manage to fix the meh and become happy in the relationship?

OP posts:
sintrawest · 16/09/2022 03:37

Bumping for you x

Wearefoooked22 · 18/09/2022 09:04

He called me a leech/parasite,just need to work out how to leave

TossACoinToYerWitcher · 18/09/2022 10:22

Funding her with the OM and her reaction being “how dare you discover us meeting in secret”.

TossACoinToYerWitcher · 18/09/2022 10:22

*Finding

CinnabarRed · 18/09/2022 10:25

When I’d arranged to talk to him after the kids were in bed, because I was so desperately tired and unhappy, and he wouldn’t switch off the TV and put down the paper - because “I can multitask”.

allinonenight · 18/09/2022 10:29

When it started to affect my child not just me

WhatsitWiggle · 18/09/2022 10:55

Several small things, all in the space of a month, that made me realise he simply didn't care about me at all. It had gone past falling out of love to giving me less respect than you'd give a colleague.

I agonised over my decision because of what it would mean for our daughter. But I 100% knew my 18 year marriage was over and I did not want to carry on living my life like this. It had been rubbish for a few years but this was different, it was like I was an annoyance to him. It wasn't healthy for me or our daughter.

That was last August, I told him it was over in April and he moved out in May. Friends and colleagues have all said how much lighter and happier I seem. My daughter is happier (I stopped feeling guilty when I realised she was much calmer without him around). And it turns out my Dad never liked him 😆

Jshahebdidk · 18/09/2022 11:07

After months of me trying to juggle working full time, studying and everything to do with DC the house had become a disgusting mess.
I asked him to take DC out for the day at the weekend so I could spend the day cleaning he said no and went out for lunch with his ex instead. Told him as soon as he walked through the door that was the final nail in the coffin and he needed to leave.

mscampbelle · 18/09/2022 11:11

When I realised that I could never be happy with him in my life, he just didn't care about me and I didn't care about him.
Definitely should have left waaaayy before it got to that stage.
I'm a million times happier now.

Original poster
foreverinmyheart · 22/09/2022 11:07

Thank you everyone for sharing and sorry for the delay. I hadn't seen the responses until now. It seems to be the wake up call of not being cared about is the theme.

I don't feel happy and haven't been for a long time but I always feel like it is me. I am starting to challenge my thinking and to take more seriously my own happiness. It feels hard to know what is right and to find courage after being in a relationship 19 years.

OP posts:
sleepymum50 · 22/09/2022 11:16

I was unhappy but couldn’t decide if it was me or him. He told me it was me.

I went to see a chartered clinical psychologist who allowed me to see that it was definitely him. It’s a lovely feeling to be sure at last.

I highly recommend you do this. Yes it may be expensive, but you may only need a couple of sessions, plus this is your life. Way more important than clothes, holidays and meals out. Obviously it it’s a choice between food and heating, then maybe online/books would help.

Frith2013 · 22/09/2022 11:27

He wouldn't let me buy sanitary towels. I didn't deserve them.

FatMog · 22/09/2022 11:30

We are staying together for our child who is in Y11. But essentially he's I got mental health problems that I'm not strong enough to cope with, plus he has been utterly horrible to me in the past, calling me names and accusing me of all kinds. Once our child has finished her exams, I'm filing.

Suprima · 22/09/2022 11:45

I was miserable for about a year, but bumbled along getting my ducks in a row. Nothing ‘terrible’. Posters on here have married men much worse. Lazy fucker, forgetful, not romantic, left all admin and everything domestic to me. Not even good looking to compensate.

One night he tried to have sex with me and I cried as he tried to slip it in as I was so repulsed by a man as pathetic as him thinking he could take and take and take and have access to my body. I already had the ick, but this was something else. I shoved him off me and he was distraught and asking what he had done wrong. He hadn’t tried to be forceful or anything. Just a man trying to have sex with his girlfriend, as you would do in a happy, normal relationship.

That’s how oblivious he was. It wasn’t a happy relationship. It was miserable drudge work and like living with a boring old man.

I broke up with him the next evening. Had a great time OLD and had a fling with a gorgeous man from a hobby who I had a bit of a crush on- and then fortunately met my wonderful husband. We have a baby daughter now, and he is everything I wanted in a life partner.

So pleased my hapless ex tried it on with me that night. It was such a visceral reaction I had….a switch just flipped. I know I couldn’t go on.

Ringmaster27 · 22/09/2022 11:56

I was just incredibly unhappy.
No abuse, no cheating or anything like that. But it was like sharing a house with a mate. His job meant that the vast majority of the parenting and household stuff fell to me - and I’d often spend months at a time parenting solo because he’d be sent away with work. He’s not a bad person by any means, but he is very oblivious to other people’s feelings and emotional needs - particularly mine! I felt invisible. Like nothing more than employed help in my own home.
I figured that seeing as though I’d been doing it all effectively on my own the whole time anyway, I may as well leave before the resentment properly set in, and the environment turned toxic. And I’m glad I did.
ExH and I now get along better than ever, and co-parent our DCs brilliantly. We are all better off this way.

LadyLolaRuben · 22/09/2022 11:57

Upon the untimely and sudden death of my dad, I realised how much time, energy and effort he had put into raising me to have the best life possible. Staying to be treated like shit was throwing all my dads efforts away and stopping me having my best life. I dont regret a thing

LadyLolaRuben · 22/09/2022 11:59

Frith2013 · 22/09/2022 11:27

He wouldn't let me buy sanitary towels. I didn't deserve them.

Im so sorry. This is terrible. But it propelled you to better things x

Hoolihan · 22/09/2022 12:03

We went for couples counselling but stopped after a few months due to the expense and feeling like we weren't really getting anywhere. All of the patterns and behaviours that we had talked about resumed pretty much immediately. I just lost hope at that point.

Then on holiday we had a row about something quite minor and he called me a c*nt in front of our friends. That was the final nail.

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