Punishment is time spent with mum !

[BCconrad]

My two sons (age6 and * were acting up and refusing to go to school because their dad ( seperated) did not see them during the week day due to work comittments.

Dad tells them on the phone if they don't go to school, then the punishment is that he won't see them for the weekend . Son says spending the weekend time with mum is punishment so he will go to school. And has spent the whole day saying that.

I am livid. Not a word like you have to go to school to learn,...but your punishment is spending time with mum. Everything I do is wrong. Everything he does is right, especially since he pissed off for several years and then popped back up into their lives.

Well I think really it's not that staying with you is punishment. It's that the punishment is not seeing his dad and he wants to see his dad.

He’s a dick.

My punishment is no video games.

But when dad says the punishment is not to see him but you spend time with mum...my son sees it as " spending the weekend with mum is punishment !" Spending time with dad is the reward.

He pisses me off big time.

I had been explaining to son about the Queen and why people mourn her. He brought it up with his dad and his response " People die, remember that "

and son will blame me for the reason why he can't see his dad. " You don't want me to see my dad. I hate you."

I think what he's said is awful, but not for the reason you said.

For the simple reason that a parent withdrawing affection and attention as punishment is abusive.

Surely Dad has made clear you are not the reason, although an upset child may choose to think that.

Dad does not go the extra mile to say I am not the reason.
He wants to be happy fun dad

I guess all you can do is make clear to your son that you are very happy for him to see his dad and that all the timings of visits are dad's choice.

Hang on, why are we punishing 6 year olds who are upset about lack of contact with a parent, with the threat of even less contact with a parent?

This is crackers, poor kids. You both need to grow up and develop some empathy, rather than massaging your egos with a who do you love most competition.

PLease read what I said carefully.

I am the mother who wants her kid to spend time with his father. That is why I am livid that the father's idea of punishment for not going to school is to not see his kid during the weekend. (backstory, he had previously abandoned his kid for 3 years and appeared back in their lives ).

I was hoping he was on the phone and going to say" come on, go to school, and at the weekend I will take you to blah blah blah "

I did not expect him to say " Well if you don't go to school, then I am not seeing you at all" Which is great for him because he can have the whole bloody weekend free to see his mates.

I have told the father that he has to see the kids and he can't escape out of it.

He’s saying that spending time with you is punishment because you are the safe, stable parent. He can reject you and be horrible and you’ll always still be there, loving him and supporting him.

His dad, OTOH, is unreliable. It’s hard for a child to cope with that. He doesn’t want to focus on that problem because he can’t understand why his dad doesn’t want to see him. So he focuses on what’s safe and where he won’t be rejected.

This is how many children respond when only one parent is safe and reliable emotionally (and practically). It’s hard, but just focus on how much you love spending the weekend with him whatever horrible things he says. He needs to hear that. To reinforce that, no matter what, you want him.

In an ideal world, that's true. Well, ideally he'd be desperate to have them but actually the reality is he doesn't have to and no one can make him.
He sounds like a wanker

Why did you get him involved in the first place?
Did you phone him when your DS refused to go to school?

You are your child's safe space. You are unexciting. But you are vital for your child's emotional development. Your 'reward' for being there unfortunately is to be taken for granted and unappreciated. That's just how it goes.

Your child needs you more than ever because their other parent is stupid enough to think that withdrawing time and attention is an appropriate method of discipline. This sort of adult behaviour causes stress and negative emotions in children, which you as the 'safe' adult are then left to deal with.

It is the dad who is telling him that the punishment is to spend to with me for the weekend! ( and he is the reward).

I have done everything for my child while he was away for years with the OW. Now he's come back, it's like all the sacrifices I have made are nothing. I am worthless. The dad is the reward because that is what dad is telling him.

thank you all for your comments. I called the dad to try to speak to him because he was supposed to see his dad mid week but his dad had a work committment come up.

Yes, you are right. I am the safe space for my child to vent his anger. Whereas with his dad he is on best behaviour in case he disappears again.

I think you are right to be angry, but you are twisting it to make it all about you and it isn’t. You should be angry though, because I think it is horrible for a parent to withhold themselves from their child as a punishment. That there is bad enough, there is no need to extrapolate it into him saying that being with you is a punishment.

Don't have these conversations in your child's presence and don't hand the phone over.