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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband tells lies

15 replies

BeepyBoo · 15/09/2022 09:50

My husband has an issue telling white lies. Looking for advice or views from people who have been through this please.

When he met me he hadn't been with anyone. He was actually a virgin (aged 30), but he pretended to me he'd had other sexual relationships. He basically hid anything about himself that he thought I would not like, mainly, hiding that he had debts. Even when I found out he did have debts (then paid off) he lied about how much, how many and when he took them out. I had to drag the information out of him. He now says he knew I wouldn't stay with him if I knew....when in fact, I wouldn't stay if I knew he was a liar, because I hate dishonesty the most.

I only found all of this out 18 months ago, along with loads of smaller lies that he was telling me regularly, about times he was finishing work, secretly working in the house over weekends, etc. Throughout out 10 year relationship, we would argue every few months about little lies I caught him out on - often ridiculous things.

He's had counselling about it, and recognises that he came from a family that did not communicate properly, and where lying was involved. He was expected to be perfect, and often hid things from his parents that they would not like (e.g. like when he gave up a good job because he did not like it, so pretended to have a new one that he was going to).

Due to the therapy, we were making real progress this year - he seemed to make big changes. However, I caught him in a white lie again yesterday. I know it's usual for Mumsnetters to jump on the 'just leave him' advice, but I have two young kids at school, and no real job prospects as I gave up my career to look after the children. I am now 42. Other than the lying issue, he is a kind, loving man and great with the kids. I have a very comfortable life. It's so heartbreaking, because until I found out about the bigger (and older) lies 18 months ago, I actually thought he was wonderful and my life perfect. Now I feel betrayed and I can't find my footing.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/09/2022 10:12

I know it's usual for Mumsnetters to jump on the 'just leave him' advice, but I have two young kids at school, and no real job prospects as I gave up my career to look after the children. I am now 42. Other than the lying issue, he is a kind, loving man and great with the kids. I have a very comfortable life.

It is not necessarily easier to stay with someone like this either is it? What if a friend of yours was telling you all this, what would be your counsel?.

You mention the kids a lot here but what about YOU here in all this?. So you have a comfortable life (perhaps a lifestyle you want to maintain). Forget material things here, what about you emotionally?. You feel betrayed because you really have been betrayed; you've been sold a lie by him. What do you feel about him when you look at him now?. Your kids are picking up on all the reactions and vibes between you, both spoken and unspoken.

You only as well need to give your own self permission to leave. The facts that you're now 42, a SAHM and have two kids are no basis really to remain with such a man either. One day your children will leave home, what then for you and your H, if you happen to be together then.

What do you personally want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want either of your kids as adults to be in such a marriage; no and it's not good enough for you either.

PersonaNonGarter · 15/09/2022 10:14

Well, I think you might feel better if you had a job. You might live for another 42 years - and do nothing. What a waste. You aren’t able to communicate well either because you are in such a position of weakness.

Dacadactyl · 15/09/2022 10:26

Well if he was a good husband and father in every other aspect, I would overlook the odd white lie. If he was receptive to having therapy and looking at the issue, I don't think I'd leave him over it. But, I might tell him I had thought about it because his dishonesty is troubling you.

Wombat27A · 15/09/2022 10:35

But you're building a future life on sandy foundations, you will never feel secure.

If I catch my DH even gently fibbing, he gets both barrels as I grew up with people gaslighting me & I will not put up with it at home in my safe place

NotLactoseFree · 15/09/2022 10:45

I compltely understand. I could not live like this. Obviously, it depends on what the recent lie was about and how serious it was but I'd say that you have every right to take a hardline approach. Is he seeking therapy for his issues individually and does that continue? If he was and it's finished but now he's backsliding, he should go back.

The point is that you can't be expected to maintain a long term relationship with someone you can't trust. Especially as the so-called "white" lies you do mention aren't white lies at all. A white lie is, to my mind, saying something like, "I forgot to pick up bread I''ll go get some now" when actually, you just didn't feel like it in that moment. It's annoying, but not the end of the world. Lying about debt and finances and big picture things is much more serious.

LuckyLil · 15/09/2022 11:04

Just for some context what was the white lie you caught him in? If it was something really miniscule then is it really such a big deal after all the work has already been done? Having therapy doesn't stop people who tell lies from telling lies. It just helps them understand why they do it.

Pinkbonbon · 15/09/2022 11:22

Get him the equivalent of a swear jar. For white lies. If he genuinely wants to tackle his past issues then he will hold himself accountable and put five quid in for every white lie that day, every evening. Tell him it's for him to work with. But that of evenings he puts money in, he knows he can come talk to you too and tell you the truth.

Original poster
BeepyBoo · 16/09/2022 09:21

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/09/2022 10:12

I know it's usual for Mumsnetters to jump on the 'just leave him' advice, but I have two young kids at school, and no real job prospects as I gave up my career to look after the children. I am now 42. Other than the lying issue, he is a kind, loving man and great with the kids. I have a very comfortable life.

It is not necessarily easier to stay with someone like this either is it? What if a friend of yours was telling you all this, what would be your counsel?.

You mention the kids a lot here but what about YOU here in all this?. So you have a comfortable life (perhaps a lifestyle you want to maintain). Forget material things here, what about you emotionally?. You feel betrayed because you really have been betrayed; you've been sold a lie by him. What do you feel about him when you look at him now?. Your kids are picking up on all the reactions and vibes between you, both spoken and unspoken.

You only as well need to give your own self permission to leave. The facts that you're now 42, a SAHM and have two kids are no basis really to remain with such a man either. One day your children will leave home, what then for you and your H, if you happen to be together then.

What do you personally want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want either of your kids as adults to be in such a marriage; no and it's not good enough for you either.

It's not the material lifestyle - it's the children. I've told him that if we didn't have kids, then I'd probably leave. But he is a really good Dad, and the kids don't really see all of this going on....we keep it from them. Yes, maybe they occasionally pick up vibes, but, the research that has been done on the damage that spitting up causes to children is very weighty. My sister is a single parent, and she is telling me not to go there - it brings all levels of stress trying to co-parent, and for the children.

I'm not ready to leave, that's why I said I'd rather hear from people who have lived through this.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeepyBoo · 16/09/2022 09:27

LuckyLil · 15/09/2022 11:04

Just for some context what was the white lie you caught him in? If it was something really miniscule then is it really such a big deal after all the work has already been done? Having therapy doesn't stop people who tell lies from telling lies. It just helps them understand why they do it.

Hi LuckyLil, It was something small, over the kids dinner. I am pretty confident that there are no big lies left that I don't know about. The ones he revealed to be 18 months ago were all old lies from the first few years of our relationship. Obviously, the fact that they were old, does not make it better. We had a 'big reveal' talk, where it all came out. The issue since then is really just stopping this habitual lying. He's like a child, who is hiding stupid things from his mum, that he forgot to do, or fabricating excuses why he didn't do something.

But it does make me feel insecure and as if I can't trust him, like others have said. Mainly because every time I catch a small lie it reminds me of the big lies I found out 18 months ago, and brings back all of the insecurities and betrayal I've felt. It's taken a long time for me to start to feel better, and it pushes my progress back.

OP posts:
SwordToFlamethrower · 16/09/2022 09:39

My ex would tell "white lies" and when I called him out he would gaslight me, argue and shout at me. He made me feel worthless and stupid.

I dumped him. I'm 45 and with a man who is honest as the sky is blue. He is my safe place, my love, my best friend.

It honestly isn't worth living like that. It is a colossal disrespect to lie to you like that. I don't care how "little" the lies are.

You deserve to be treat with the utmost respect.

Teddletoddle · 16/09/2022 09:52

Most people are not always completely honest. Often they lie by omission.
There are lots of threads on here from women who want to take the day off work and indulge themselves but pretend they are going into work. Most posters are hugely supportive of their actions.
I know my husband would never lie about big things but I am sure he is sometimes economical in telling the complete truth about day to day minor issues. We all probably are to some extent.
How many posts here encourage posters to take a sick day or tell the school their children are ill when they are going on holiday early.
I think I am painfully truthful because I carry lots of guilt with me but I have seen colleagues lie so easily to get themselves out of sticky situations. I think it is very common

economicervix · 16/09/2022 10:46

What do you want people to say? Tips on how to be happy with a liar?
More importantly, what are you doing to improve your job prospects? You can’t trust this bloke and can’t be utterly dependent on him, why leave yourself so vulnerable?

Situationssuck · 16/09/2022 10:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

AllAloneInThisHouse · 16/09/2022 11:16

.

Killjoy124 · 27/10/2024 22:28

I appreciate the distraction and self sufficiency of a job could aid in this situation, but calling being a SAHM a 'waste' seems rather rude and demeaning

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