Struggling with ex / being single

[LaPerduta]

I have been struggling to get over a short relationship that ended about a year ago, although we were in quite regular contact (via messages) for a few months after that, and getting back together was mooted. Contact ceased completely this May.

At first I thought he was great and that it was going to turn into something long-term, but increasingly he started to be demanding, manipulative, insulting, argumentative, unreliable, unwilling to do things together and he even physically assaulted me on one occasion (I wasn't hurt).

In the end I gave up trying to make things work because it seemed barely a day would go by without him taking offence at something innocuous (one example - I bought him a birthday present as a surprise, instead of checking with him what he wanted) or doing something weird.

I haven't had a successful relationship for well over a decade and I find this very difficult and painful at times as it's something I want very much.

The other day I bumped into him and it turns out he's now in a new relationship and "very happy". I just don't understand how he can have morphed into a loving, reliable partner who is meeting his girlfriend's family (I never met any of his friends or family). Meanwhile I am of course still single.

I feel tormented. Why could he not treat me in this way? Why can't I find a partner? I really don't want to continue living my life like this. It seems so unfair that he is happy and I am utterly miserable.

I know this sounds dramatic and probably as if I'm about 15 (reversing those digits would be more accurate), but I just seen to keep repeating a cycle of relationships that last more than two or three months. I feel ashamed of that and very, very unhappy.

I have had therapy and it doesn't seem to have changed anything. Just keep going feels like running a marathon. I don't know what to do.

I don't think there is anything you can do. I really believe relationships evolve from luck and timing. It's a bullshit msg sent out to mostly women that they have to do all these things and love themselves before the right man will come along.

Keep putting yourself out there. Make friends, build on your friendships, have the best life you can make for yourself and eventually you'll click with someone.

I think sometimes people just rub each other up the wrong way.

Thanks. I think luck is involved, but there's more than that.

My OP should of course say, "no more than two or three months".

I do think it's luck that things last more than 2/3 months OP.

Unless you're a super clingy, neurotic, jealous, spiteful negative person.

He hasn't morphed into someone else who is a reliable and loving partner. You have totally made that bit up in your head. The likely story is that he is still an absolute cunt , but is telling you how happy he is. I'm sure his girlfriend is experiencing the same twat of a man that you did, or if not yet, soon will be. People are incapable of changing their personalities.

My sister married a really abusive man who left her when she had a 5 month old baby. Soon after, he married again and had another baby. My sister was chewed up with bitterness for several years about how he'd changed and become a 'wonderful' father and husband. To the outside world they looked so happy and they constantly said how happy they were! That was until his new wife turned up on her doorstep looking to speak to someone who understands his temper, abusiveness and to understand how to leave him.

Seriously, don't invent stories about how he has changed. He hasn't.

I know it's really really hard and it torments you to see someone you wanted to be with settle with someone else, but you have an amazing opportunity to walk away and never look back. He's not worth your thoughts or your tears.

Good luck OP !

But you’re just basing this on a conversation with him. He’s not likely to say he’s in a rocky relationship or there’s lots of drama he’s going to want to portray it as this oasis of serenity. It could be good or it could be bad. You know for a fact that for you in was bad and whether that’s about the combination of your two personalities or just his ass hat behaviour you should be congratulating yourself for extracting yourself and maintaining high standards.

Sorry to hear this OP - I just wanted to offer my support and say I feel the same, broke up with my ex 1yr ago (after 2.5 years together, living together). He was with someone new 4 months later and I'm still alone. It hurts to see them be happy with someone else and thats a valid thing to feel 😞

Going NC helped, but to add insult to injury, his new GF lives a street away. It does get easier, there are things about you that someone else will value for more than 3 months. Also I find it helps to think that their new partner is stuck with all the shitty things they do 😂hes probably not transformed into a new person at all

@nellytheelephant1980 - thank you so much; that is exactly what I needed to hear.

Thanks everyone else, too.

OR he MIGHT be a totally different person in this relationship because they're more compatible- who knows really and it shouldn't matter to you anyway - end of the day you weren't meant to be - if he's met his soulmate and has become the partner of the century then so be it - perhaps she's the one that made him want to be a good partner
That doesn't mean you're a bad person it just means it wasn't meant to be
Stop obsessing about the past and move on

I doubt it was shat you needed to hear, suspect it was what you wanted to hear.

Considering the relationship is over does it matter, just move on.

Hi op@LaPerduta
I'm sorry you feel like this and it's shit!

I'm a solo parent by choice (I had my child using a sperm donor) as I got to the point that it was too late to continue dating and I was desperate for a family.

I decided to do what is did because of the reasons mentioned above but also I separated or rather uncoupled the relationship from having a child and once I did that, it became easier for me to do what I did. Still not a walk on the park but with family and friends behind me it is easier and I don't feel alone and miserable.

I also agree with the poster who said relationships are luck and timing, but plenty of people settle as to be single is seem as something deficient - it is hard sometimes having to deal with life alone but there are plenty of pluses depending on how you frame your singlehood.

I understand solo parenting isn't for everyone but it might help you to understand yourself and your needs better of you ask yourself what do you want a relationship for.

I now feel less anxious about meeting someone, less dependent on someone else's whims, desires. It could have costed my fertility had I waited any longer, and also there is no guarantee that a relationship would work out anyway.

I am open to meeting someone but no longer desperate about it as I know that no matter what I still have my son.

Yes of course it was. Does that make me a bad person? The whole reason for posting was that I'm struggling to move on, which I have freely admitted.

This isn't AIBU, so why the need to have a go?

@anthurium - I didn't have fertility to risk in the first place, so that wasn't really an issue. I just wanted to meet someone nice. Meeting someone who is capable of being nice, but not to me (if this is indeed the case) is a bitter pill to swallow.