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Original poster

Too soon or is it me?

25 replies

Fairycake2 · 14/09/2022 22:09

I've been chatting to a guy for about 4 months and dating him for around 2.

We've had some great dates and even went away for a night. All was good and I was enjoying getting to know him. However, I don't have any strong feelings for him and am definitely not yet in love.

He finished with me last week as he said my heart wasn't in it and has proceeded to make me feel bad (not necessarily on purpose) for not feeling the same as him.

He's pretty besotted and has even said he loves me (not sure how he can after such a short time). He thinks I'm perfect and seems to have put me on some kind of pedestal. Something I'm pretty sure I'd fall off! He wants a lot of my time and can't understand that, while I want to spend time with him, I also have other people I want to spend time with and can't give as much as he'd like.

He wants to see me tomorrow to talk about getting back together but I'm finding it a bit intense. I really don't think I can live up to what he seems to want.

How do I let him down gently? He hasn't taken it very well so far and I'm concerned that he'll go into self destruct mode.

OP posts:
Maytodecember · 14/09/2022 22:41

He finished with you last week? Then it’s over. Not worth meeting him to discuss. You could just text no, you were right, hope you meet the right person soon. And move on. Life’s too short.

Darbs76 · 14/09/2022 22:45

I agree and just say that you don’t think it’s a good idea to meet up as breaking up was the right thing, and wish him well. If he persists then perhaps block his number

dontputitthere · 14/09/2022 22:48

But you've split. What's to discuss?

He sounds very intense. And it's concerning that after only a few months you're worried he won't take it well.

I absolutely wouldn't meet him. And if he kicks off after a polite message saying you wish him well etc then I would block. Not sure why you're still in touch if you've split up after a few months.

Does he know your address?

Cocopogo · 14/09/2022 22:50

He sounds scary. I would not be meeting him. A simple text will do.

GreenManalishi · 14/09/2022 22:56

This has got Lovebombing written all over it, look into it if you're not familiar and run for the hills. Your gut is telling you something is off and it's right, believe it.

Fireflygal · 14/09/2022 23:02

Yep,lovebombing and trying to rush the relationship. Red flags galore

2 months is no time at all - don't be flattered by his claims as he doesn't know you so likely to be superficial.

Original poster
Fairycake2 · 15/09/2022 06:15

Thank you all. Am glad it's not just me who thinks it's all a bit much.

We have some of the same friend circles so I may see him again. I was happy to remain friends but he says he can't

OP posts:
hugefanofcheese · 15/09/2022 06:27

That's very intense and demanding for 2 months. Ok, it's possible to fall quickly for someone but it's equally possible to take longer to develop feelings. It's never nice to be on the stronger feelings side of that imbalance but if he is so insecure that he couldn't hold on for a bit longer to let you catch up without all.of this pushing you away then trying to pull you back then I don't think he would be great at compromise or understanding your POV in a relationship.

He ended things, not you, so you don't owe him a meeting. I would text and say 'thanks for suggesting that we meet to talk. After giving it some thought, I would like to leave things as they are but wish you all the best'. If he did want to be with you then he has handled this all wrong.

SilverLiningPlaybook · 15/09/2022 06:35

He sounds like a nutcase. You’re well rid of him.

girlmom21 · 15/09/2022 06:40

Tell him he's right that your heart isn't in it so you don't want to waste any more of his time and you wish him all the best but it'll be easier if you just go your separate ways now.

Via text. Don't meet him.

Anniegetyourgun · 15/09/2022 06:42

He thinks you are perfect and wants to spend much more time with you - so he broke it off? OK, that's rational 😕

"... and proceeded to make me feel bad for not wanting the same as him..." yeah, you don't want that either.

The first couple of months, or four if you want to add in the bit before you actually dated, are when you start getting to know a person, not deciding who they are in your own mind and adding them into your life whether they want you to or not. Lucky escape; don't submit to recapture. At best he's not a bad person but immature, and this experience may help him to grow up. At worst - you don't want to know what that could be like.

MiauzenKatzenjammer · 15/09/2022 06:53

Don't worry about letting him down gently. He sounds like a potential stalker. Wish him a nice life, but don't meet him and don't engage further.

DotBall · 15/09/2022 06:57

I was happy to remain friends but he says he can't

Well that’s just tough, he’ll have to won’t he.
Poor, pathetic man. Well rid.

Hallmark1234 · 15/09/2022 07:06

Unlike other posters I feel a bit sorry for him, as it sounds like he's fallen for you, but you don't feel the same, so it must be hard to be in his position, but it's not your fault, just one of those things.

It sounds like he broke up with in the hope it would make you realise how much you wanted him, but it has backfired and now he's trying to get back with you, or maybe he missed you so much he's prepared to accept you don't feel as strongly as him .

Only you can decide OP if you are prepared to get back together (given you said you were enjoying your dates), knowing how strongly he feels for you, but you don't (as yet), feel the same. Talk to him

dontputitthere · 15/09/2022 07:31

Hallmark1234 · 15/09/2022 07:06

Unlike other posters I feel a bit sorry for him, as it sounds like he's fallen for you, but you don't feel the same, so it must be hard to be in his position, but it's not your fault, just one of those things.

It sounds like he broke up with in the hope it would make you realise how much you wanted him, but it has backfired and now he's trying to get back with you, or maybe he missed you so much he's prepared to accept you don't feel as strongly as him .

Only you can decide OP if you are prepared to get back together (given you said you were enjoying your dates), knowing how strongly he feels for you, but you don't (as yet), feel the same. Talk to him

Yeah no.

He's love bombing.

If he genuinely loved her he would be happy for her to have other friends she wants to see. Not demand she spend more/all her time with him.

You said it yourself. He played a game. He dumped her in the hope she'd want him more. I'm assuming the op isn't 12 and deserves someone a bit more mature.

The op says he has 'not necessarily deliberately' upset her because she doesn't love him. Interesting choice of words as that suggests he did deliberately upset her at least part of the time. What man in love intentionally upsets their partner?

The op has said they can still be friends. He's said no. It's all very ultimatum. He doesn't sound mature enough to handle an adult relationship.

Also and most worryingly for me. The op says she's worried how he'll take it as he might self destruct. This all from two months of dating. He sounds positively unhinged.

The op sounds kind and caring. He sounds like he's playing on heart strings. It's not the ops job to placate his massive insecurities.

It all screams of unhinged, controlling behaviour. None of it says man genuinely in love.

pastypirate · 15/09/2022 07:53

Sounds like him ending it was a method of manipulation to move the relationship forward. Ffs.

GreenManalishi · 15/09/2022 10:02

Hallmark1234 · 15/09/2022 07:06

Unlike other posters I feel a bit sorry for him, as it sounds like he's fallen for you, but you don't feel the same, so it must be hard to be in his position, but it's not your fault, just one of those things.

It sounds like he broke up with in the hope it would make you realise how much you wanted him, but it has backfired and now he's trying to get back with you, or maybe he missed you so much he's prepared to accept you don't feel as strongly as him .

Only you can decide OP if you are prepared to get back together (given you said you were enjoying your dates), knowing how strongly he feels for you, but you don't (as yet), feel the same. Talk to him

Nope. He's a nightmare waiting to happen, run away. You had a few dates and you don't owe him a thing. He's dramatic and manipulative, he's playing games and he doesn't sound emotionally stable.

The fact that you fear not doing what he wants you to do in case he goes into "self destruct mode" after a couple of months of dating is just a major major warning sign. It's tantamount to a threat. Do what I want, or else.

This is not a person who is capable of having a healthy relationship, you don't have to let him down gently. You need to say No, and he needs to listen and deal with it. Women havent' signed a contract not to bruise mens egos, it's not your job to be a good girl and give him what he wants.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 15/09/2022 10:09

Bet my last quid his tenancy is nearly up.

Or he is struggling with the cost of living and wants to share bills with someone..
Anyone.
You are The Chosen One.
No meet up op.
None at all.

Watchkeys · 15/09/2022 10:13

Why do you need to let him down gently? He's dumped you. There's nothing to let him down from, and he's not been gentle with you.

LovelyChicken · 15/09/2022 10:20

You're worried he will go in to 'self destruct' mode? You are not responsible for the feelings and behaviour of this man. He sounds like an absolute nightmare. Don't have any more dealings with him at all. I bet he's with someone else within a week.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 15/09/2022 10:22

He was a love bombing twat (horrible relationship prognosis) and you, sensible woman that you are, have strong boundaries that he found he could not cross. So he tried something else - dumping you, guilting you, trying to get you back - he is an arse. Leave him be and be proud that your boundaries have saved you from possibly years of misery. Onward and upward.

Watchkeys · 15/09/2022 10:25

I'm concerned that he'll go into self destruct mode

He dumped you. Is he worried you'll go into self destruct mode? Or is he too busy making you feel like shit?

RandomMusings7 · 15/09/2022 10:40

pastypirate · 15/09/2022 07:53

Sounds like him ending it was a method of manipulation to move the relationship forward. Ffs.

Spot on! He dumped her to get the upper hand and shake the boat to make her insecure.

Classic manipulation attempt.

Op, please ignore him

Justleaveitblankthen · 15/09/2022 11:47

He's given you a brilliant get-out here OP. Showed you who he is and just what you are in for very quickly.
A taster of the Misery to come.
I had a stonking red flag from a guy before I even met him for a first date. He had a huge strop (- then panicked and back tracked) because I planned just a couple of get to know you drinks, then off dancing with my best mate - God I wish I had listened to him in the first place !)

Don't make my mistake. Run for the hills!

Justleaveitblankthen · 15/09/2022 11:51

Also agree with the previous poster who predicts a Cock lodger in operation. 100%.

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