need advice about my relationship with my brother

[bunnyhunny]

I feel like a single child. I am very close to my parents, but I don't know my brother at all.

We were quite close when growing up - I was the annoying little sister, and he was the revered big brother. But something went wrong when he went to high school, and we stopped playing together, and hardly talked. He hermited in his room a lot. I suspect something may have happened to him, but don't know what.

He moved away to university, and stayed in the same city for years. I never visited, and we hardly talked when he came home - no animosity, just kind of not interested.

He moved about 20 miles away because of his job, about 4 years ago. I have visited a few times, called etc, but he never calls / texts/ arranges a visit. If I call him up, I have to do all the talking as he answers in monotone. If I go round, he kind of makes an effort, but not too much. It's like he isnt interested or has no social skills or something.

anyway, I am a bit tired of making an effort with him since it isnt reciprocated. I didnt know him when I was growing up, and I dont miss him. But I do get envious of the closeness my friends and dh have with their siblings.

So, help me sort out my head. Should I carry on making an effort and getting ignored. I dont feel like I am important to him at all.
OR should I just let it go?

how would he respond if you brought this up with him over the phone or by email - not to heavy, but being open about feeling sad that you had a connection that's lost.

What's he like with yur parents?

I really dont know how he would respond - it would be like emailing a stranger. It might make him concerned, but equally it might scare him off.

Mum and dad say they have an ok realtionshp with him. He isnt forthcoming with his feelings / what he is up to etc etc, but I think they just accept that they make all the effort. Like if ds grew up like that I would still call him every few days, even if he didnt really talk to me.

So he is the same with them as he is with you.

Does he have a dp? Friends (who you know?)

he has a long term gf - she is really nice.

yeah, he is the same with our parents, so I know it's nothing personal.

Is there any way you could 'get to know him' again (IYSWIM) via his gf?

If it helps, I have a few friends with brothers like this. They seem to be harder to maintain a r/ship with than a sister

hiya. i know someone like this, its really difficult. you don't want to be pushy, but you can't help wondering if its you or something to do with you.
you said the long term gf is really nice. have you thought about asking her what she thinks? maybe if you explained to her how you feel, she may give you a clue to how he is?

i bet the gf probably feels the same as you and has been wondering whether to talk to you about it.

I was gonna say try the gf route too. Maybe she can shed light?

what's the age difference between you? This may sound completely off the mark and please don't take it the wrong way, but could he simply lack social skills/the ability to maintain close relationships due to a slight tendency towards something like asperger's? If he's the same with your parents, it may be that something did indeed happen at some point in his childhood and he copes with it by distancing himself from all the associations of "home" i.e. you and your parents even if you weren't anything to do with whatever happened? Sorry, grasping at straws here, you perhaps need to "get" him more in order to know how to get a bit closer. Does he have a good relationship with his gf do you think?

I have a similar relationship with my sister. We have no arguments but rarely speak - we just don't seem to have much in common. However, I know there's nothing wrong - we're just different. I do sometimes get very upset that when I see her she never EVER asks me how I am or anything about my life at all but I've tried to accept it's just the way she is. I've never challenged her about it but I do find it odd. Maybe you just have to accept that he's this way and it's not your fault or his fault. I don't know. HTH x

Bunny he is a man say no more . Im crap with advice my bro lives in scotland we hardly ever see each other but do speak alot on the phone. I think go with the gf route x

thanks everyone for your replies.

so how would I go about talking to his gf about it? I hardly know her either?

Yes, speaking as bloke, blokes can be absolutely appalling at social communication generally. One of my best mates never arranges anything, calls, mails or texts (except possibly during the football) - if I go round to his, I just join him on the sofa in front of the TV or PS3 with a beer amongst the pizza boxes etc. BUT that being said, we get on really well when we see each other, do have serious conversations and are great mates. He simply can't be arsed to make an effort to make any arrangements or to have 'pointless' conversations.

Your brother may simply be this sort of guy. If that's the case, which it does sound like, I guess it's likely that if you want to have a relationship with him then any relationship you have will be on his terms, at least for the foreseseable future, i.e. that you have to make all the running. In the case of my mate, I don't mind to be honest - that's just the way he is and if you want him as a friend, you accept him as that.

thanks cestlavie, that really is an insight.
you see, I see his not getting in touch with me as not being interested in seeing me. If you don't see your mate for a long time, will he actually contact you?