How important is 'financial compatibility' between partners?

[cool4cats2020]

Specifically, in 2nd time around relationships. I don't mean simply wealth, more attitudes to money, saving, aspirations and long term plans.

For context - me and DP (of 5 years) are both mid 40's, both with pre teen kids from our previous relationships. We don't live together, and no intention to, at least not until kids have grown up (about 10 years). We both work, and are on relatively low, but similar incomes. So we're currently fairly well aligned, but long term I worry we might be on divergent paths.

TLDR:

I'm a homeowner - managed to get on the property ladder in my late 30's, and I'm striving to overpay my mortgage. It's full term would take me to 70 to repay, but I'm throwing everything at it and current projection is that it'll be paid off by about age 55. DP has lived in social housing (nothing wrong with that at all) all their adult life, and so considers rent over £350pcm to be expensive (open market rents are currently about £1000pcm for a similar house round here). DP hopes to buy under right to buy scheme (but would only qualify if the proposed rule changes happen) 'in about 5 years or so'. DP will be 50 by then, and I've pointed out that most lenders only go up to age 70, so possible mortgage terms will already be shortening.

I've managed to build up a decent amount of savings over the last few years, which I'm hoping to put towards a house extension, or moving somewhere larger. DP has no savings, always lived month to month (I've lent money to help clear some debts, which has always been repaid on time), and tends to buy lots of stuff on finance (inc. fairly expensive car and non essential luxuries - e.g. fancy hot tub). By contrast I've always tried to avoid finance and simply gone without until I've saved up. I struggle to imagine DP being able to save for a house deposit while young enough to qualify for a mortgage.

I'm self employed (and was late starting pension savings), so I'm also making quite large monthly contributions to that to try and catch up (and to have enough to not have to work until I'm 70). DP has no pension provision over state pension, except for the nominal workplace pension scheme.

Less relevant, but still a consideration is that my parents have also worked hard and been quite prudent with money their whole lives, now they're retired and financially rather comfortable. I've got siblings to share it with, but at some point in the distant future there is likely to be some inheritance coming my way (hoping I'm 70+ and it'll go straight to kids/grand kids). DP's parents have no assets so nothing to hand down.

So my long term aim is to be debt free and able to start winding down work around mid 50's. Would like to go travelling, and maybe live on a narrowboat for a few years (whilst renting out my house). Obviously I'd like to be able to do these things along with DP, just can't imagine DP doing anything other than treading water financially until state pension age.

I'd happily let DP move in with me once all our kids have flown, but DP is fiercely independent and I can't imagine them ever wanting to give up their social housing. I've mentioned some of my longer term ambitions to DP but get the impression they aren't thinking anything beyond keeping our living arrangements and finances separate. I do wonder if we're going to end up 15 years apart in retirement terms, and if the relationship could survive that.

Financially it's important to be moving in the same direction, with similar goals of you want a serious future together.

You are focusing on future financial security. Your DP is living for today. He'll never be in a position to join you, unless you sibsidise his lifestyle (which you're already doing by offering half for a luxury purchase you wouldn't buy otherwise). You could eventually find your dreams slipping away because you're paying for your DP's expenses instead.

I guess it can work as long as you don't let him move in or get in a position of having a claim on your assets. Also don't alter your dreams - he can join you, or not, but he'll have to sort his own money.

Please don't put your financial future in jeopardy. If you want to stay in a relationship with him, let him stay in his social housing property and keep your finances separate or you will be footing the bill/bailing him out forever

Having had an ex-husband who was extravagant, reckless with money and prone to running up debt, I cannot tell you the relief I feel, living below my means. It was incredibly stressful.

You obviously have different money values, so whatever you do don’t get married and don’t lend him money either. Successful couples do need similar values and to enjoy spending time together, at home and holidays, that does not mean doing “everything” together.

I notice lots of people are saying he, but I haven't read that your DP is a man.

I think it could work if you continue to have separate main homes, once your DC are grown. Dp could join you in travelling or on your narrow boat, but should keep up their own home.

Otherwise, down the line I think you are more likely to run into problems like your adult DC having a potential inheritance and their's not having that. I think an idea that it's not fair to DP's DC could creep in.

I'm a saver like you OP. My DH is also careful with money and I do think it's part of the reason we work well as a couple.

In your position, I think I'd find your DP's attitude to money a bit off putting but not necessarily a deal breaker if everything else is good. At least he's not a sponger (that would be a deal breaker), but I must admit I'd lose a bit of respect for someone who buys a hot tub on finance. That's just so alien to my approach to money!

Anyway. I'm sure you're savvy enough to protect your DC's inheritance, so the main issue seems to be potentially spending your retirements on different paths. Would you be happy to travel alone, for example? Maybe you could get a volunteering role in an area you're passionate about if he's still working and you're retired?

Gosh OP. Reading about your DP frustrated me! It reminded me of a conversation I had with my first BF when I was 16. He had zero ambition and I was very ambitious. He said to me one day ‘the difference between you and me is that if you won a million pounds (it was pre lottery days 😂) you’d carry on go to university and pursue your chosen career (which I have, and earn very well).I’d just carry on sitting on the sofa watching telly’. I finished the relationship shortly after. OP you sound lovely, sensible, hard working and aspirational. He may be lovely, but I couldn’t use any of the other adjectives to describe him. I couldn’t be in a relationship like yours. Honestly it sounds more like a FWB set up.

You are a planner, a saver and generally take responsibility for your life.

Your DP is none of those things; he seems to live in the here and now, and is unlikely to change given his age.

If you want to spend your life with your DP, you need to accept the way he is, rather than trying to change him into the person you want him to be, otherwise resentment will set in, and that's a fast track to the relationship breaking down.

You'll also be paying for the majority of bills and household expenses, as well as holidays and leisure, particularly when your inheritance comes in; he'll probably want to blow a proportion on a new flashy car!

Maybe you need to see him as a 'for now' DP not a forever one?

I think it depends on the personality of the people involved. If it matters to one of them then it is important

It's never bothered me I was for a long time the higher earner.

It has recently flipped the other way. Doesn't matter to my husband.

But it does to some people

I'd say extremely important, however my stance on this has undoubtedly restricted my opportunities in terms of forming relationships as I struggle to find someone who is on the same wavelength in terms of financial standing and attitudes to financial matters. I have a reasonably well paid job, own home and savings that I feel should be protected, and this hasn't changed the older I get.

I think there has to be some level of compromise - but not too much!

You obviously have different money values, so whatever you do don’t get married and don’t lend him money either. Successful couples do need similar values and to enjoy spending time together, at home and holidays, that does not mean doing “everything” together.

In most way we seem totally on the same wavelength as each other. We seem to want and enjoy similar things, and our attitudes to life are very close. Even with financial stuff DP seems to have similar goals, just doesn't seem willing to put in the effort/sacrifice (i.e. saving for something rather than buying it 'right now' on credit).

I notice lots of people are saying he, but I haven't read that your DP is a man.
DP is female, but I don't think gender is of any real significance on this matter?

Otherwise, down the line I think you are more likely to run into problems like your adult DC having a potential inheritance and their's not having that. I think an idea that it's not fair to DP's DC could creep in.
Yes, that's another thing that I'm acutely aware of, although if DP is able to transfer their social housing tenancy to one of the kids, then that's almost as good as an inheritance these days.

I'd quite like to get married at some point in the future (if DP ever gets round to getting divorced first!), but would absolutely want to make sure that my will leaves my assets to my own kids. Depending on our living arrangements at that point, it might cause a few ripples. That may sound mean spirited, but we'll be in our 50's with adult kids, which I think is a very different scenario to a couple who's spent a lot longer together and had kids together.

Anyway. I'm sure you're savvy enough to protect your DC's inheritance, so the main issue seems to be potentially spending your retirements on different paths. Would you be happy to travel alone, for example? Maybe you could get a volunteering role in an area you're passionate about if he's still working and you're retired?

Maybe you need to see him as a 'for now' DP not a forever one?

I've been single most of my life, and (with hindsight) relationship with my ex was toxic from the beginning. So this is the first time I've felt proper companionship with someone. I might be a bit old fashioned, but I'd like to look forward to growing old together as a couple. I have a niggling thought that we'll drift apart once all our kids are all grown up and when I'm looking forward to cohabiting with DP, they might not be intending the same. Or might even just see our current relationship as a convenience, and move on.

I could travel alone, but love the thought of doing fun stuff like that with an equal partner.

I'd say extremely important, however my stance on this has undoubtedly restricted my opportunities in terms of forming relationships as I struggle to find someone who is on the same wavelength in terms of financial standing and attitudes to financial matters. I have a reasonably well paid job, own home and savings that I feel should be protected, and this hasn't changed the older I get.
I think there has to be some level of compromise - but not too much!

I am totally willing to compromise and I'm sure DP in no way would want to feel like they're being carried/not paying their own way. I'd consider buying a house together, but if we pooled our resources to do that, DP doesn't actually have any assets to pool. Frustrates me that DP could be using their cheap rent as an opportunity to save for a deposit (or just for anything), but that it's all budgeted on monthly repayments for other things.

I've been guestimating DP's monthly income, and remembered that they are receiving child maintenance from their ex along with housing benefit too (my ex contributes nothing towards our kids). I think DP's monthly income must be about £600 more than mine. I've got 3 kids to DP's two, and DP also gets fairly regular cash bonuses from work.

Don't marry her OP. It's the only way to protect your assets. Just don't.

Don’t get married, if you are considering inheritance issues, your spouses needs come in front of your childrens, it could be a very expensive mistake.

It's very important to be financially compatible if you're going to combine your money at all. So I wouldn't be willing to move in with DP in your shoes, let alone marry her. But if the two of you were going to maintain your separate homes, I don't think it would be a deal breaker.

Some people can’t think beyond right now. My dearest and oldest friend was like that. Had a good job, never saved a penny, rented the same house for nearly fifty years, constantly buying clothes, fast food, cigarettes (took it up in her fifties) and wine. Worked until her mid seventies and died of a heart attack six months after she retired. It was all pretty horrifying at the time, but she would have chosen such a sharp exit with no repercussions that she had never saved a penny for or had to deal with any old age stuff.
Not saying that’s what’s going to happen to your partner, but some people are just in the now and don’t plan for the future. My friend’s partner is like you and he enjoyed the time he spent with her; she was a truly lovely person. Much missed.

Financial compatibility is really important.
We’ve been married a long time and have never argued about money.

Marry and live in separate homes - why
I dont know any one who does that

Look up living apart together. It's becoming more and more common now and it's what I'd do if I ever were to marry