ADHD husband??

[Hey4321]

Hi, I have been separated from my dh for over a year. I am still really struggling with how we have ended up here.

It has been suggested by a mutual friend that he may have adhd? I wondered what your experience of this is in a relationship, he doesn't understand why we split, it's all my fault, nothing to do with him....

I feel it is very much a parent / child relationship in that I have taken on everything as he seems to struggle so much. I feel the struggle has been so.much worse since having children. Sex was very much a task rather than emotional for him. The responsibility and resentment have built up such a lot over the years.

He doesn't seem to remember things, doesn't remember to put in diary even. Has very structured routines for day to day life, anything out of this is stressful, he doesn't appear to be able to do it. New task cause anxiety, low mood. Unable to discuss important life things. Refuses to do anything ad hoc, ie poorly children / childcare. Start late for an appointment/ take children to an appointment. Doesn't remember what I drink, what my favourite meals ate etc. Reminisces about previous relationships thinking he did this or that with me? Doesn't seem to grasp how his actions would affect the rest of us in the house. No empathy.

Sorry for the long post, I need to understand this more and think other experiences would help. I felt very lonely and couldn't live like I was anymore, I was making myself so poorly with the stress. We no longer live together but I still feel I need to support hi. Emotionally for the sake of our children which is draining, I have not had any support from him in return for years.

Looses stuff ALWAYS, can't finds remote controls. Sun glasses, gets so angry and frustrated which is draining day to day. Never aimed at anyone, not personal just tiring

DS (26) is diagnosed but I have absolutely no doubt DH has ADHD too. He displays many traits you describe and can be incredibly frustrating to live with but I've learned not to take it personally.
He has tunnel vision over his obsessions but can't tell you mine or our DH's dates of birth. He doesn't know anyone's Birthday. There are hundreds of examples I could give.
You can either live with it or you can't but I know he loves me and will do anything I ask. He's loyal and generous but is it easy? Absolutely not.

@Loachworks hats off to you. If I asked my exdh to help, I usually got a no because of xy or z. The times I cried asking for support / help to no avail

My DH has ADHD and there's a lot there I recognise. Basically, he says inside his head is like a washing machine everything jumbled up and sometimes spinning fast.

His memory, concentration, processing information is not good, and his organisational and timing skills are really bad, and this makes it difficult for him to change plans last minute. New tasks do cause anxiety and he loses stuff all the time. He is untidy around the home, and he is like the kid you send to school in a new uniform and comes back looking like he's dragged himself through a hedge .

He is a manager, and his job exhausts him mentally because it takes him longer to the admin of the job due to the above. However, he has great knowledge and is very popular with clients, hence the promotion.

I think he can sometime lack empathy but is a loyal man who will do anything for anyone, nothing is too much bother, he is very affectionate, loves sex, remembers birthdays, anniversaries but will leave the shopping for it until the last minute. In fact, a lot in his life is last minute. He will be the man on the phone to the insurance the evening that it expires, he will be calling the garage for a last-minute service, his bills are DD or he would forget to pay.

It can be infuriating, especially as I am very organised and the desire to roll my eyes back in my head and breathe fire is real.

Me and the DC's are his priority in life, he will give us all of his time and his last penny, and he is open about his struggle with ADHD. If he didn't have the good bits, I couldn't live with him because I recognise the parent child relationship and it would be easy to fall into that pattern.

I don't buy his families cards or presents for example, and he packs his own suitcase etc even though he will likely forget something. There are times when I do have to intervene though if it's something very important or there is a deadline.

@fatgirlslimmer thanks for your message. Do you feel like the diagnosis for him has helped? I have suggested I feel he has this condition and he recognises what I am saying and acknowledges that this may be an issue. But he won't do anything about it? He isn't/ wasn't able to identify it as a problem until I suggested it and if he did he wouldn't have a conversation about it unless I mentioned it first? Is this related to adhd aswell?

absolutely this 👆

Married 13 years and together 20. Our DD has been recently diagnosed and it has been a revelation to understand that the traits in my DH are down to ADHD as well.

My DH is loyal, and hardworking, and cares about us. He is an innovative thinker who is very practical, great in a crisis and can fix almost anything. He has set routines to look after the house, pets, garden etc. He lets me take the lead in most things and we try and make up for each others shortcomings and we share similar values.

But he also struggles massively with people, as he is so direct, so has never settled in a job; has little empathy outside of the DCs, tunnel vision and obsessions, and flies off the handle. He can only plan ahead in detail a day or so ahead. Has never had a life plan, as undiagnosed children way back then weren’t given the support and often ended up drifting with little belief in themselves. For that reason, despite the challenges, I admire that he is healthy, solvent, a good Dad, most of the a good person.

Even if he often looses all track of time, his glasses, paperwork, and forgets to cut the DDs nails or put supper on.

Some days it is really, really tough.

@Hey4321 dont know if his reluctance is related to ADHD.

Diagnosis helped in that it made sense, explained a few things and that he wasn’t just thick, stupid or difficult, when he had grown up being told those all of those things.

He is not medicated due to other drug interactions.

ADHD does not excuse treating people badly or opting out of responsibility though. I wouldn’t be looking to excuse his behaviour, reluctance or apathy.

@fatgirlslimmer has it spot on with this

“ADHD does not excuse treating people badly or opting out of responsibility though. I wouldn’t be looking to excuse his behaviour, reluctance or apathy.”

I have worked in the ADHD psychiatric place, and have it as well.

i keep seeing these posts and it’s really damaging and stigmatizing those with ADHD.

PLEASE understand that ADHD does not take away from knowing what’s right and wrong. It doesn’t excuse you from hurting others and anyone with ADHD is fully able to weigh and understand their actions.

ADHD has comorbid disorders that are extra. That can lead to that sort of behavior.

I know you are in pain, but ADHD is NOT the reason for it. He isn’t doing for you because he just doesn’t want to. It isn’t a reflection on you but please don’t spread more ignorance about ADHD. It hurts those who have it and love their partners enough to work to be there in every aspect.

@JustKittenAround I understand what you are saying, but i am not at all criticising the condition. I wrote this post to try and understand the condition more.

I need to understand what is just negative behaviour and what is out of someones control.

Thanks for the support ans advice in that my husband doesn't give a damn, helpful!!

@fatgirlslimmer thank you

Sounds exactly like me and I have ADHD

@PinktoothbrushBluetoothbrush thank you

@maddy68 hopefully my exdh will access support to understand the condition better. I hope you have too.

My best friends's husband has recently been diagnosed with ADHD (and I also have it - she's obviously seeks us out!!).

He's medicated which is helping a bit with his focus and memory. Ultimately having the diagnosis hasn't changed who he is (I won't list his symptoms because they are many and varied and also personal to him but he has a formal diagnosis). It has helped re-frame her mind tho and she is less frustrated about the stuff she has been picking up because she knows it isn't deliberate.

I'd say that's the main difference pre and post diagnosis.

He wanted to explore it though and be diagnosed so it was all his own choice (admittedly with her booking and keeping the appointments!)

Why do you care you left him

My husband has ADHD and I recognize a lot of the things you have listed. I used to find them frustrating but tolerated them to an extend. We now have a 16 month old and I'm 7 months pregnant. I am so sick of us not being a priority because he is focussing on work or sport. I definitely understand feeling like I'm the parent and he's the child from organising everything to looking for things he's lost on a daily basis. The biggest hurt for me though is that he doesn't seem to show empathy unless it is really spelled out to him. I've been crying out for his support recently but he still chooses to do his own thing. I moved out of our home this week because I feel like I can't take it any more. Now in a limbo of do I give him another chance - he has listed all of the things he wants to change or do I just accept that I just cannot live with him.