I need to talk about my childhood, is this ok?

[Juettu]

I don’t know if it’s ok to post but the floodgates have opened for me today. I am an absolute broken mess. I feel like the scales have been lifted and I’m so crushed and not coping. I’m 36 and I thought I would have dealt with it all by now.

Hugs, I know how you feel. Feel free to share your thoughts here. I went through some of this myself, years ago when processing how abusive my dad was and now processing my mum’s role in it all. It’s a horrible place to be in but I have gotten really good support and understanding on the Stately Homes thread on here.

Juettu, I hope you are ok? It's horrible when it all spills over, more so if you think it's been done and dusted.

I am 47 and still coming to terms with my childhood.

You’re not on your own, OP.

@Findingithard43 thank you sorry to hear you’ve suffered too.

just feel I was brainwashed by a privileged life materially. But actually, my dad used to pull clumps of my hair out. I was told I was evil. I was spat at. Kicked from behind when abroad in Greece and police saw and questioned my dad. Told if I got pregnant I would be thrown out of the house. Told I was difficult, hard work, why couldn’t they have had a different child or another one like my sister. Told I looked like a horror character when I straightened my hair. Told I was coming between my parents marriage. Walked in on in the bath, same with the bedroom.

when older any relationship break up was my fault… even the man who threatened to push me down the stairs. I was too picky apparently. One occasion I was suicidal and they couldn’t come over as they were collecting a sofa so tried to get me sectioned instead.

When I had dc my dad pushed me when I was pregnant during a row. They both told me I wouldn’t cope as a parent.

among all that there was a lot of love/displays of affection which has made me desperately confused and guilty all my adult life.

Oh love, that sounds awful. Write it down here.

Lockdown did the same to me and the scales fell from my eyes and I realise how badly I'm affected by things that went on so long ago. I'm fortunate, nothing truly horrific happened, but I can vividly remember thoughts and feelings and how I wasn't listened to or cared for.

Share on here - it's a safe space.

I definitely think you should talk about it - there is a lot to unpack there

I know you are having a bit of a breakthrough and breakdown today OP - have you have therapy or counselling before or read up on childhood trauma and abuse or is this all kind of new to you right now?

Sharing is great but when you are vulnerable, online forums can be a mixed bag. You can get great support and also get very negative and critical posts that may be a lot to handle in your current state.

Feel free to share but I would also encourage you to find a few crisis numbers that you can call and vent / talk to and contact professional supports to help you get through this.

Oh good Lord, that's a lot to process and carry. I am so, so sorry this happened to you.

The most important thing to know is that this is not on you. You were the victim. His behaviour is appalling and cruel, and there is nothing you could have done to prevent that. He will have known what he was doing was wrong, and yet he continued to do it.

Is he still alive now? Do you have any relationship with him?

And, it sounds trite but it has been genuinely helpful, do you have the means to be able to access therapy? You will have taken on so much guilt and blame and shame for his appallingly cruel behaviour that it will take careful unpicking. If you can access an expert to help you gently unpack it, with care and compassion, it could be life changing.

I am so sorry Juettu, you didn't deserve any of that.

Thanks. I’ve talked about it a bit in counselling in the past but to be honest I never thought any of it was that bad and used to feel embarrassed saying I felt upset by it.

in the last few days I’ve realised it’s very bad and unacceptable. I despise my dad in particular. A very very very self involved man

@BreathingDeep thanks for being so nice. He is and he can be nice… he had a very bad childhood and I know that’s where it all comes from. But it’s no excuse. He was appalling to me and I know that now.

one thing I feel terrible about is that I know if one of them died things would be peaceful. They make each other worse. My dad in particular will say whatever he wants to justify his behaviour. Awful person and drags my mum into it.

Your mum allowed him to treat you that way too op, she is not innocent.

Would you allow anyone to spit at or hit your child?

CPTSD by Pete walker was life changing to read.
Take some time to process your revelation and think long and hard before you let your children near him - they very rarely transform into great grandparents and eventually the mask slips .

Many of us had horrible childhoods but didn’t continue the abuse, your father could have learnt something from his own experiences and done things differently op 💐💐

I knew as soon as I read your first post that your father was playing out his own childhood. Please know that everything that happened was absolutely NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with generational abuse. He is a sad, angry, confused, powerless and bitter person but, again, you are not to blame for anything that happened to you.

I would really, really urge you to have some more therapy and don't hold back through guilt or embarrassment - you have no reason to either of these unhelpful emotions. You have EVERY right to be incredibly proud that you've broken the cycle with your own children and that they, and their children, will never suffer in the way you did.

Best thing I ever did was to go no contact with my abusive mother. Any sort of contact resulted in me being triggered. Have you thought about no contact?

That is on the seriously abusive scale. I’m so sorry you went through that. It is an awful lot to process and the good stuff too is normal but it means it is very confusing. I think Pete Walker and Bessel Von der Kolk we’re some of the best things I read to help me move through processing childhood trauma I suffered. It is very common and I don’t say that to denigrate your experiences but so you know you are not alone dealing with it. A lot of people use denial as a coping mechanism until that breaks down and then it becomes necessary to process the trauma. It is usual that it happens later in life. It is so so hurtful though and you didn’t deserve any of it.

Two other authors I really like on childhood trauma are Gabor Mate and Bruce Perry. Bessel ven der Kolk is also excellent.

Sometimes it can help to draw or write while you think and feel these emotions. If you print off a few mandalas and colour them while you struggle, it can be a hepful tool

You might also want to look into EMDR - a treatment specific to trauma.

Acknowleging that it was abuse and you did have trauma and it wasn't your fault and voicing the realitites outloud without minimizing or qualifying them is important.

You had a very abusive childhood like so many of us. In my case my father has been dead for 44 years and not a tear was shed by me. Lo and behold a 42 year old woman turned up this week, his daughter from the affair he was having. Well I want nothing to do with her as all the dreadful memories have come back to me. I'm 73 yrs now and my reaction shows that abuse has lifetime consequences. Unfortunately the understanding of abuse and counseling wasn't available in my day. But I am happy because I have complete control of my life now. I hope you can find this happy place eventually.