Need a handhold, separating with small children

[NotReallySure]

Hi all. So back in June I told my husband I'm leaving, history of emotional abuse, lack of empathy, and horrific arguments that he tried to draw kids into. Decided to leave when it started upsetting children (4&6). So now I have a house lined up and will be moving out in the next month or two. We had to tell the children already as he couldn't control himself around them and basically kept shouting at me in front of them that I'm leaving etc. My 6 year old is so sad, he loves us both but can't bear to be without me. His dad is a loving father, and I've tried to say I'm not leaving him, he'll come with me for some/most of the time, both homes are his, we both still love/care for him etc (new house 5 mins walk away so very close). He just said "but I need you". And now I can't stop crying. He does need me and for about 40% of the week I won't be there. I feel awful. I know it best for him long run, but my heart is breaking. Anyone else been here? I'm hoping 60/40 split but ex wants 50/50.

First things first your ex isn’t a loving father if he is shouting at you in front of the kids like that and upsetting them. A loving father puts his kids needs before his own and would be trying to make this change as easy as possible for the kids. He can be angry etc but the kids happiness comes first.
As for the 60:40 or 50:50 to me that depends on how the parenting and caregiving is currently broken down. If you are doing it all and your ex does some fun playtime then 50:50 probably isn’t right for the kids. Will he take a day off work if it’s his time when the kids are sick? Will he bring them to appointments that fall on his time? If he had a history of abuse towards you then looking for 50:50 is a way of hurting you further. I don’t know what judges etc are like in your area so it’s best to get Legal advice to help you navigate that aspect.

I know, but the kids love him and he's kind to them. But yes, his behavior is atrocious. I have another chat with lawyer today. It will all get worked out, I'm just feeling sad about what's to come. Might push for slightly more custody share. Not sure why I feel guilty about that after the way he has behaved.

I currently do more, and remember all the school stuff/appointments etc, but he is hands on.

Wait, are you moving out of the house and leaving the kids there with their father? Why aren't you taking them with you?

You're leaving the kids with dad??

No she is moving 5 minutes away and going to have to share custody. The children feel upset because mummy won’t be at ‘home’ or with them all the time.

Yeah, she's moving out of the family home and leaving the children behind, despite being the primary parent. They're very young, they will 100% feel abandoned even if she does 50/50. To their minds, she's left them. Because on the face of it, she has.

@MolliciousIntent No she's not??? Where on earth did you get that? She's not "leaving the kids behind" - she's moving out of the family home and taking the children with her, but not 100% of the time. So she's hoping the children will be with her 60% of the time and 40% with their father.

What a heartless post when someone is clearly suffering and looking for some support and empathy

@whereareyounoww her children are 6 and 4, they're not going to see it like that, they're going to see that mummy, who previously did 90% of their care, has gone to live somewhere else. If she's aiming for more than 50/50 then she should be taking them with her when she moves and establishing her new home as their new home. These are v small kids, they don't have the understanding of nuance that adults do, and this current set up is going to leave them feeling like their mother left them. And yes, I know the argument will be that dads do it all the time, but that does enough damage even when they're not usually the primary caregiver! I really think this needs a rethink, for the sake of the children.

Sorry, I actually must apologise in this instance. You are right. I've just re-read her first post and it does appear as though she's going to move initially and not take them with her. Which, if she is indeed doing, of course that's not the right plan.

OP - the children need to come with you initially when you move so you ALL move together to a new home. Then they can go back to daddy's house for sleepovers / 40% of the time, but their HOME is with you. I know it sounds like more upheaval but I can tell you for sure, when my parents separated they had 50/50 split but when they moved, we went with my mum. Helped her choose the new house etc so it was almost distracting us from what was really happening as we were excited about a new house. I remember vividly choosing my new bedding and lamps and I was excited to move to a new house. Then I had a room at my dads but my "home"'was with my mother.

You need to seriously consider where you want their "home" to be - they need to have primary residence somewhere even with 50/50. If you want that to be with you (which I personally think it should, based on what you say) then moving day is with you and the children, don't leave them with their dad the first night as that sets a precedence and it's so confusing: they're still tiny.

I agree with others. Your dc need to stay with you. I'd push for them staying with you most and seeing your h less, at least initially. Your new home should be THEIR new home too.

The goal is to keep their lives as normal as possible and for them to feel secure in your love.

If your h is shouting at them etc they won't feel secure and you can't trust him to put their interests ahead of his.

Sounds like she's leaving and the kids are staying with dad.

Other posters have made excellent points. You say you do 90% of everything therefore you are the primary caregiver so you need to thread carefully to prevent the kids feeling a sense of abandonment. You need to have them on your first night out of the house. They need to be involved in making the new place feel familiar and like home to them. One particular drawback I keep coming across regarding 50:50 is that some kids don’t have a sense of ‘home’ going between two places you need to do you best to help them have a sense of home/sense of place.
If your Ex is such a great dad he should be able to think about this all from the kids perspective and put their needs first. The plan could be for example that they stay more with you initially and over time once they are used to having dad being a caregiver it could transition to 50:50 if that works for your kids. They are not old enough to understand a split rationally.

Right, I'm definitely not leaving the kids with Dad! 3 bedroom house, space for them, no way would I be leaving them! Their dad is hands on and I work 3 days a week so some nights he does pick up etc. I just do most of the leg work with packed lunches, appointments etc. I'm hoping for 60/40 custody, the kids will miss their dad when not with him too. He does love them, his behavior is atrocious towards me (and sometimes in front of them) but he's never directly been abusive to them and does do hands on care. I just feel bad leaving my kids for any length of time.

I'll make my address their primary address for all communication etc with schools, doctor. He'll have a shock when he realises how much I do, but he won't be neglectful.

Thanks for the helpful posts about giving the kids a sense of home. He'll fight me for 50/50 but I do feel they need to be with me more, and will be better off with me more.

Hi OP, how did it go in the end? Hoping everything worked out ok for you all xx

Hi @HappyHolidays22 thanks for coming back. I'm out the house now, so better now I'm not living with him. He is digging his heels in 50/50 and legally I don't have a leg to stand on as no proof of any abuse. It's really tough. My eldest is ok, my 4 year old struggles but he still won't budge. I have them slightly over 50% if you consider my days off in the week where I have the kids. Overall it is all for the best but to be honest they usually arrive at mine shattered as he doesn't really do bedtimes, and there's no end of treats and competitive parenting at his 🙄
So I'm trying to play the long game, rise above his petty ways he's still trying to get at me and just give the kids a stable, happy home. I keep being told they'll see through his ways eventually. It's hard being away from them and that will take a while to get used to. But I think the kids are overall happier without the shouting and toxic environment. They're adapting remarkably well. Sending hugs to anyone else going through the same x

Thanks for the update, although difficult for DC, it sounds like it’s definitely the right decision for you to be away from him.

It does sound like it’s all moving in the right direction and it will take time. I think your approach is the right one. Sending lots of love. You’re doing a great job xxx