How do I end this?

[Flumpydump]

Ok, with a (potential/ probable) narcissist for over 10 years. I have had enough. I have withdrawn from him in every way, as I am sick of constantly working for his approval, and worrying if he is short or upset with me. He runs to his ex everytime she wants or needs anything, and all my attempts to get him to speak to her about stopping payments to her now their children are over 18 fall on deaf ears. He ignores my children (they are autistic or LGBT or just not "man" enough for him to relate to him, they are all over 18 now and I have an amazing relationship with them). He is racist and homophobic but says he isn't, I hate him. I hate not being able to be me. I sleep in the spare room and we haven't had sex for nearly 2 years. He games all evening and then expects me to be all over him with attention when he gets off the console. It was never this way before...it has built up and up and things such as the racism and homophobia are kept very much for my ears and seem to have got worse the more I tell him how wrong he is.

I have tried to get him to leave numerous times, but always during an argument . He goes quiet, keeps his head down, doesn't go and then starts being extra nice. Which then makes me feel bad....but I don't owe him anything any more. And then the moment has gone, I get caught up with my kids or work etc etc and life goes on.

How do I approach this? How do I start the conversation? I hate confrontation, I hate hurting anyone but I don't want to carry on hurting me just to prevent him being hurt. We don't have a relationship, we don't have a friendship, it's nothing but I just want him gone.

Whose house do you live in?

Mine...it's rented but in my name only, he moved in with me.

Are you married? If not and the house is in your name then he has no legal right to be there. Give him a month and if he hasn't left dump his stuff outside.

This is easier said than done, but just tell him to go. Calmly and firmly. Give him a date by which you expect him to be out.

You need to pluck up the courage to tell him it is over and that he must move out. If he is off at the weekend then maybe tell him Saturday morning to give him time to get his stuff packed. Get a friend or a family member on side and have them come round to support you. Has he got anywhere he can go easily? Once he is out change the locks.

Tell him that its just not working and that you are unhappy. Give him a date to move out ( soon) and then on that day change the locks if he hasn't already moved out . He can not be at the property without your permission so if he does then call the police

You don't 'start a conversation'. Get it out of your head that he needs to agree to this or be happy with it. You're not discussing with him whether he might leave, you're telling him he's leaving.

And that's all you need to say. Pack up his stuff, tell him the relationship is over. Decide when he needs to leave by, and tell him, if you need to, that you'll be speaking to the authorities if he doesn't go when you need him to. That's it.

Change the locks when he's out, once his time is up.

You're being far too soft with him, you know what you need to do you just need to get it done. Give him a date to move out by, some cardboard boxes/bin bags and tell him if he doesn't leave by then you'll be disposing of all his belongings, changing the locks etc.

Thank you all. I KNOW that's what I need to do, I KNOW that I will be so much happier when he is gone. @Watchkeys that's the problem isn't it? I am still thinking, in my head, that somehow he has to agree with this. But he doesn't. It sucks for him but he should have listened and not presumed that I was a pushover. Which I am still being right now....

We are not married, do not have any kids together. There is nothing keeping him here except me.

Ok, deep breath flumpy, you've got this....

A simple “this relationship is no longer working for me and I would like you to move out of my home by x date”

he will probably want to discuss it at which point the response is “I have already made up my mind and I still wish for you to leave”

ideally if he has anywhere to go do it by the end of the weekend and ask for your key back.

Don't get into a conversation with him. Tell him it's over and to get his stuff packed and leave. I would definitely not give him a month, a night at the most or he will try and talk you around

If it’s in your name only why is he still there? It’s your home, not his, tell him to be gone by x date. If he doesn’t go by that date just call the police and they will ask him to leave on your behalf. All very simple.

And not a month either!!! By this weekend is perfectly fine, your not his mother.

I agree with @Watchkeys. This is the problem for most women, we feel like we need to explain, soothe, be fair and this is what kept me with my narc for 25 years. The problem was, there was no reasoning with him. Somehow, he would twist my words and made it all my fault. I would literally stay speechless most of the time, not knowing exactly what happened and then he would “punish” me by giving me a silent treatment for days, sometimes weeks.

For me it was a breakthrough moment when my therapist told me that I did not have to look for the reasons why I want to leave my husband. The fact that I wanted to was enough. I felt like a giant weight was lifted of my shoulders. So I suggest, forget about explaining, just sit him down and say in as few words as possible that you are not happy in this relationship, and you want him to leave. Do not allow him to pull you into an argument. Be brave, you can do this.💕