Verbally aggressive

[TheOtherHotstepper]

Namechanged for this, but been around for donkeys years. DSD and SIL have been married three years

SIL was verbally aggressive to me, when I gently offered to help him with something he was obviously struggling with.

He has been verbally aggressive to DH on two occasions, once because he thought DH was not pushing DGS's buggy in a safe manner (it was fine) and once because DH mentioned that he had a rash and SIL was afraid it might be shingles and DGS might then get chickenpox and be scarred.

He was also verbally aggressive and challenging (and obviously very unhappy) when we set up an ISA for DGS and put it in DSD's name rather than his.

I say that if he is verbally aggressive to us, who he doesn't know particularly well, then there is every chance he is like this with DSD behind closed doors. I can't ask her and DH won't.

Do you think I am right to be concerned for her?

Define ' verbally agressive' and what led to that. Threats of violence is not good, telling someone to f off if they're interfering or picking is more understandable.

Also beware of becoming judgemental. She'll be less likely to ask for help of she feels like you may have an 'I told you so' approach ( and in fact will be uber sensitive to anything remotely so). Be the the safe space

There's no right or wrong about whether you 'should' be concerned. Make sure she knows you're there if she wants to talk. Chat with her around the issue, perhaps about your friend whose husband shouts at her, or about a news article you read about the way people speak to each other, or what you felt like when someone random shouted at you in the street. That's all you can do. Let her know you're there and that the door's open for those kind of conversations. She'll come to you if she wants to. She may talk to friends too, and not talk to you because you're family.

Sadly, I don't have the sort of relationship with her where I can offer support etc. That is why I was hoping DH would step up, but he won't and that's mired in the history of their relationship and his absolute unwillingness to do anything that might even have a vague chance of upsetting her.

By 'verbally aggressive' I mean responding in a way that is aggressive and challenging enough to make me nervous and to make DH very upset. For example, he was clearly very unhappy and angry that we were not giving him control of the ISA and we were uncomfortable enough to leave shortly afterwards. I have worked with a variety of difficult and unpredictable people and it felt like a situation that could escalate.

Thinking it through, if he behaves like this to us and, DH has just reminded me, to his own parents, surely he must behave like this to his DW too?