How to stay after cheating

[Camomilecandles]

I have been with my partner for 4 years, we have a young baby.
When I was 7 months pregnant I found out he had cheated on me (countless times with countless women.)
I was of course devastated. Left him because I couldn’t bare to stay. I was living at his flat at the time and he was financially supporting me as I had recently graduated and was not planning on getting a job till our baby was 1/2 years old.
I went to stay at my friends house and then applied to the council as homeless. I have no family in this country by the way. They offered me a hostel, and said I would have to stay there for an indefinite amount of time with my baby as there is a housing shortage.
I went. It was awful. Drug use. Violence. I even had one incident where 2 men came to my door with balaclavas demanding I show them my ID to prove I wasn’t the person they were looking for.
I started looking for a job because I knew I couldn’t stay here indefinitely. Found a job and it was work from home so I started working and when my baby was 4 months old we left the hostel and moved into a 2 bed flat. It’s lovely here. Everything I could’ve dreamed for. We have a lovely garden with lots of flowers.
I have childcare for my baby but can only afford 3 days a week. The job I got was contracted and is coming to and end so am looking for a new one but is proving difficult to find remote work. Stressed about increase in bills.
I eventually gave in to his requests to get back together because I felt like I need him, still do. He has been staying over at mine 3/4 nights a weeks, and after me explaining my stress about finding a new job and paying bills he said I should end my tenancy and just move in with him and have no bills or job.
I don’t want to do this because I like where I live and feel very lucky to wake up here everyday. So I told him no. That he can stay at mine and look after our baby when I need to work. He works night shifts so I normally free in the day.
Sorry this is so long! I wanted to explain my situation a bit before people say I don’t need to be with him blah blah because if I do this on my own then I’m worried I might end up homeless again with no job.
I don’t trust him. I can never trust him after what he did to me. But I need to find a way to live harmoniously with him.
I find myself getting irritated at him over minor things. And when he says he’s with his boys but not answering the phone I start thinking he’s with a girl and then accuse him and become rude to him.
My question isn’t how do I trust him again. Because I know I won’t. In fact I fully expect him to cheat on me again.
I just need to figure out how to live with a person whilst also letting them go. So that it wouldn’t even bother me if I found out he did it again.
I know I’m probably fighting a losing battle but this is a temporary situation. Once I can afford to be without him I will. But for now I just need to make this ride as smooth as possible.

Bless you OP, I feel for you.

keep looking for work, are there any courses you could take to increase your chances? You can always look at a side hustle to top income up, buy and sell stuff, make stuff etc.

I know it seems bleak, but if you put your energy into yourself you will be able to break free from him forever, just concentrate on you and your child and not him.

I wish you all the luck In the world

You have got away from him and trawled through hard times to get to where you are now. Don’t throw that achievement away for him.

he ain’t gonna change I swear to god.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Why go backwards?. This is such a retrograde step. He is an ex for bloody good reason actually. He needs you far more than you need him btw - to cook, clean and otherwise pick up after him while he continues to cheat on you. You do not need him as much as you think you do either; you have managed well without him. Read about codependency and see how much of this state relates to your own behaviours.

And no you cannot live with a person whilst continuing to let them go; he will continue to suck the life out of you and in turn your child who will pick up on all this dysfunction.

If there is no trust, there is no relationship. He needs to be out of your day to day life permanently and if he wants a relationship with his child then he can use a contact centre; not use your residence to crash at 3 or 4 nights a week. You're allowing yourself to be used here.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships?. Would you want your daughter to behave the self same with a man in her relationship; no you would not and you want better for her. You should want better for you too.

"That he can stay at mine and look after our baby when I need to work"

As if he is going to do that. If he is working nights then he will use the days to otherwise sleep, use his phone and or chase women around; anything other than actually look after his child in terms of more than a passing interest. Do you really trust him not to look through all your drawers and private papers whilst you're out at work whilst he is supposedly caring for his child?. He has shown you already that he cannot be trusted and yet you've been considering the above?. I would urge you to think again.

You already know it's well and truly over, so don't be fooled into 'rekindling' anything with him ffs ! Not for any reason !

You're worried about your job/bills etc ? Then you find out what you are eligible to apply for if you can't get another suitable job ! You DON'T throw yourself at HIS mercy ffs !

You'll be entitled to Universal Credit, help with housing/rent costs/ Child Benefit etc as well as applying to get child maintenance from him !

Get yourself an appointment at the Citizens Advice Bureau, and find out HOW you CAN stay in your own home. There's a wide range of help available to you, and they can tell you what you're entitled to and how/ and when to apply for it. Continue to search for/ apply for any suitable jobs daily too.

Take charge of your own future today by making that appointment.

Please don't take the massive backwards step of going back to him. He'll never change. You really need to keep applying for jobs and stay self sufficient. I think he is like a false security blanket anyway - because although it seems safer as you think you have backup but you can't trust him.

If you need him to help you out, then just see him as a coparent and not a partner.

That way it doesn't and shouldn't matter to you if he's out with other women.

I don't think you giving up your tenancy is a good idea and it should always be your flat.

So in conclusion, you don't have to trust him as a partner....as long as he looks after the baby okay, leave it at that.

It sounds like you're already back together as a couple with him staying over 3-4 nights a week?

The fact you're only considering going back to live with him for as short a time as possible gives you your answer. That's just using him, and you'll probably end up stuck again.

This is about more than trust though. It’s also about your sexual health. Sleeping with someone who sleeps around is very risky.
When you were pregnant he was putting your baby at risk too.

Being in a situation like this will sap your self esteem, drain your confidence and energy and destroy you from the inside out.

I understand how low and lost you must feel to turn back to him. But let the more knowledgeable posters here help you figure out everything you’re entitled to, and apply, apply, apply.