Lying to my face

user12345568 · 2022-09-13T20:20:42+00:00

me and my partner have been together for 7 years we have 3 children together, he's pretty much the only partner I've ever had from turning 17. In the past he's lied to my face after looking me in the eye and swearing down it's the truth and even though I knew it wasn't I didn't want to turn around and say I know your lying to me at that time I just moved on and acted like I believed him pushed it to the back of my mind and eventually I didn't think about it anymore. Fast forward to today There's been an incident recently. I've pulled my partner to his face about this today and even though it's there in black and white he's still denying it, he's swore down on many things it's not true but it's in black and white 😭 but for some reason I've walked away and said draw a line under it and that I believe him but I don't 😭 why have I done this why don't I have the courage to leave him, but I do love him and want to be with him, am I scared to be alone why do I just let this happen over and over again I feel so sad inside but I'm acting like everything is okay. I don't know the point of the post I guess I have nobody to talk to and just needed to rant.

HeadacheEarthquake · 13/09/2022 21:22

What's he lied about?

Theonlywayisup1 · 13/09/2022 21:24

I guess it depends what he’s lied about. If he’s lied about spending an extra £20 on a pair of trainers then it’s not the end of the world. If he’s lied about infidelity for example, then that’s a whole different matter.

I guess the bigger question is, do you trust him? If there’s no trust, there’s no relationship.

sometimes we fear that someone else might get a polished version of them, that they will somehow change if we leave…they never do.

Watchkeys · 13/09/2022 21:25

You've been conditioned to over rule your feelings. Usually happens because of either our parents' relationship with each other when we were growing up (demonstrating a bad example of how a respectful adult relationship looks) or our parents' relationship with us when we were growing up (i.e. if they have addictions/fight all the time/pay more attention to a sibling/are ill), where we get put low down on the priority list.

Any of that ring a bell? It won't be your nature or personality that makes you like this; if that was the case, it'd feel right. It's your nature/personality that's pissed off and wrote your post.

problemsal20 · 13/09/2022 21:26

HeadacheEarthquake · 13/09/2022 21:22

What's he lied about?

The first time was flirtatious comments with someone over an app and I don't want to go in to this time I just wanted to rant

Watchkeys · 13/09/2022 21:26

If he’s lied about spending an extra £20 on a pair of trainers then it’s not the end of the world

It would be for me, and for many. It's the dishonesty that matters. The deception. Not what the deception is about.

problemsal20 · 13/09/2022 21:29

Watchkeys · 13/09/2022 21:25

You've been conditioned to over rule your feelings. Usually happens because of either our parents' relationship with each other when we were growing up (demonstrating a bad example of how a respectful adult relationship looks) or our parents' relationship with us when we were growing up (i.e. if they have addictions/fight all the time/pay more attention to a sibling/are ill), where we get put low down on the priority list.

Any of that ring a bell? It won't be your nature or personality that makes you like this; if that was the case, it'd feel right. It's your nature/personality that's pissed off and wrote your post.

Tbh my parents wasn't really around growing up, I have pushed my feelings aside throughout my relationship with my partner due to me not wanting to upset him due to mental health and things like that but for some reason I just let it happen but then I'm left feeling so shit inside

problemsal20 · 13/09/2022 21:32

I actually really don't know the point of the post I'm just so frustrated in my self for just walking away and saying draw a line under it i believe you when I really don't... because it was black and white in-front of us again 😞

KangarooKenny · 13/09/2022 21:34

You’re letting it go because you know what the alternative is, and you’re scared to go there. One day he will do something that is the final straw, and it may not be a big thing, but it will be the last thing. Sometimes called death by a thousand cuts.
If I were you I’d get your ducks in a row for if you ever need them.

problemsal20 · 13/09/2022 21:36

KangarooKenny · 13/09/2022 21:34

You’re letting it go because you know what the alternative is, and you’re scared to go there. One day he will do something that is the final straw, and it may not be a big thing, but it will be the last thing. Sometimes called death by a thousand cuts.
If I were you I’d get your ducks in a row for if you ever need them.

I always say to my self that one day I won't stick around and every time something happens I think that's it I'm done but then when we speak I just let it all happen over again

Watchkeys · 13/09/2022 21:36

You feel shit because you're disrespecting your feelings, and your feelings are the real you, without all the crap you've been taught.

Respect your feelings. You have to be the first one to do this, so that you learn what if feels like to have them respected. Then you can filter anybody out of your life who doesn't follow the same pattern.

KangarooKenny · 13/09/2022 21:38

problemsal20 · 13/09/2022 21:36

I always say to my self that one day I won't stick around and every time something happens I think that's it I'm done but then when we speak I just let it all happen over again

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I’m the same. Every time he does what I thought my final straw was, I move the goal posts.

problemsal20 · 13/09/2022 21:39

KangarooKenny · 13/09/2022 21:34

You’re letting it go because you know what the alternative is, and you’re scared to go there. One day he will do something that is the final straw, and it may not be a big thing, but it will be the last thing. Sometimes called death by a thousand cuts.
If I were you I’d get your ducks in a row for if you ever need them.

I’m the same. Every time he does what I thought my final straw was, I move the goal posts.

And then your self thinking when will be final straw be 😞

PastMidnight · 13/09/2022 21:41

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get the same result, so stop banging your head against the same wall. You can't change him, but you can change the way you respond to him. Do you know about setting boundaries? It's not possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't have boundaries, and it doesn't sound as though you have any with him, which may be one of the reasons who don't have a healthy relationship. That's not a criticism, because if we don't know these things (because nobody teaches us), we can't be expected to know. If you work on yourself through self-help and reading, you will find that your relationships, including with him, sort themselves out. It's too much to explain in a short post, but I hope you get the gist.

PastMidnight · 13/09/2022 21:46

Watchkeys · 13/09/2022 21:36

You feel shit because you're disrespecting your feelings, and your feelings are the real you, without all the crap you've been taught.

Respect your feelings. You have to be the first one to do this, so that you learn what if feels like to have them respected. Then you can filter anybody out of your life who doesn't follow the same pattern.

This is spot on.

problemsal20 · 13/09/2022 21:47

PastMidnight · 13/09/2022 21:41

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get the same result, so stop banging your head against the same wall. You can't change him, but you can change the way you respond to him. Do you know about setting boundaries? It's not possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't have boundaries, and it doesn't sound as though you have any with him, which may be one of the reasons who don't have a healthy relationship. That's not a criticism, because if we don't know these things (because nobody teaches us), we can't be expected to know. If you work on yourself through self-help and reading, you will find that your relationships, including with him, sort themselves out. It's too much to explain in a short post, but I hope you get the gist.

I have set boundaries in the relationship but he crosses them every few months to a year even though I'll sit and cry to him how upset I am he will do it again and even though I need to change the way I respond to him it's like I can't get out what I want to say and just agree to move on. I know the relationship is unhealthy but I'm still here and so annoyed at my self every time

PastMidnight · 13/09/2022 21:57

problemsal20 · 13/09/2022 21:47

I have set boundaries in the relationship but he crosses them every few months to a year even though I'll sit and cry to him how upset I am he will do it again and even though I need to change the way I respond to him it's like I can't get out what I want to say and just agree to move on. I know the relationship is unhealthy but I'm still here and so annoyed at my self every time

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If you let him cross the boundary, it's not a boundary. It's empty words. And I'm sorry to say this but (having learnt the hard way myself,) nobody respects someone who is self-pitying. Needy is not attractive. You have to respect yourself before other people will respect you, in other words, you can't cry because someone isn't doing what you wanted them to do when there are no repercussions for bad behaviour; no boundaries. You have to start thinking you're worth more than this and believing it. Baby steps. Blag it until you believe it. Do whatever it takes to preserve your dignity, because in my experience, when a relationship breaks down, it's often how we ourselves behave that makes us feel like crap more than the breakdown of the relationship itself. Don't beg; don't let your entire wellbeing depend on him. It's not good for either of you and if you go down that route, you are destined to loose him forever. You need to start setting healthy boundaries NOW.

HeadacheEarthquake · 13/09/2022 22:44

Tbh your two options are to call his bluff and walk out, and see if he either admits it or trys to gaslight you further but not accept it and leave

Or

Put up with disrespect forever and set a poor example to your kidps and waste the rest of your life.

Not being harsh but life is too shirt to be a punching bag x

Worriedaboutethics · 13/09/2022 22:50

@user12345568

you going to answer the questions?

problemsal20 · 13/09/2022 22:55

Worriedaboutethics · 13/09/2022 22:50

@user12345568

you going to answer the questions?

I've answered the questions....

HeadacheEarthquake · 13/09/2022 22:56

Worriedaboutethics · 13/09/2022 22:50

@user12345568

you going to answer the questions?

She's randomly name changed or on a different user

problemsal20 · 13/09/2022 22:59

HeadacheEarthquake · 13/09/2022 22:44

Tbh your two options are to call his bluff and walk out, and see if he either admits it or trys to gaslight you further but not accept it and leave

Or

Put up with disrespect forever and set a poor example to your kidps and waste the rest of your life.

Not being harsh but life is too shirt to be a punching bag x

Thank you, I know what I need to do I just struggle with the reality and maybe one day I'll have the courage to do what I need to do 😞

problemsal20 · 13/09/2022 23:00

Sorry yeah I name changed I didn't realise it hasn't changed my name on the first post too

Worriedaboutethics · 13/09/2022 23:05

@problemsal20

ok i get it.

i was worried