i told my dh to leave and he has tonight, my mum doesnt care and i have a 10 week old son

[newmummy27]

i just feel so alone i think i have PND and i cant bring myself to tell anyone. i told my mum he has left and she didnt care. i am alone with my 10 week old son. i dont know how i feel or if i should ring him. we had been having arguments and i couldnt take it any more.
i dont know why i am posting this

Hi there, how did your night go? I put the boys to bed before you posted so just seen your last message. Hope you got a bit of space anyway, perhaps it has done you good to have time alone. Will you try and meet up with your husband today? I expect he would be glad to see you both.

I think with your mum, you are already aware of her habits and attitude so the next step is to protect yourself. Don't get involved with her if you can help it because it sounds like she will just hurt you every time. Try to build a mental wall inside your head/heart, that bounces whatever hurtful stuff she says straight off - remind yourself that it is her, not you, and you don't have to take it on board.

Very difficult I know but she is not a great support to you and when you have a new baby, you are very vulnerable and only need supportive people around.

We're here for you anyway - I hope some more people will see this thread today and respond with their experiences.

Hope you have a better day xx

morning
without sounding too depressed, i had a c**p night. baby didnt settle at all which is strange as he has been going from 10pm until around 3am, but he was awake evry couple of hours. do you think he knows, or is it just me being stupid? can babies sense these things? i spoke to him later last night and he was fine, in fact he was asleep, he was absolutely knackered as is at work all day in quite a stressful professional job and i think the lack of sleep has caught up with us both. i feel in a whirlwind at the moment, there is no-one around in the day, i ony have 2 girl friends and i dont feel like i can offload onto them. one of them is pregnant.
i know what you mean with my mum, to be honest i think that is what she is doing with me. i had started doing that, but i felt so down and missed her, so i go back and then slowly it happens again and i am hurt again. when i was pregnant she said she wouldnt come around anymore. maybe because her mum died when she was 18 she doesnt know what a mum should be like? or is it just my expectations that arent being met? my husbnds mum is what i would call a mum but she is 72 now and his family are in wales.
fllightattendant, are you a SAHM are you around in the day to talk to. you sounds a lovely person, thanks or your replies.

I'm a SAHM Newmummy
I have a four year old at school part time (not today though so I will be offline quite a bit, lol!) and a 7 month old boy who is currently asleep...yes, babies can and do sense these things. You are his world and he will notice every wave of emotion, well that's what I reckon anyway - the hormones released when your mood changes probably affect him in some way too. It's clever isn't it! But annoying sometimes.
Don't worry. He will be fine and so will you...it does sound like you all just needed some space and sleep.
Perhaps you'r right that your mum just doesn't know how to be the kind of mother that maybe she wants to be...it must be hard losing your mum at 18, and I expect it has had an impact. You just need to put yourself first - you, and the baby, and your husband - who sounds great by the way - you all need to focus on your needs, despite her being unhelpful. She can look after herself.
I have to go now as infant is waking but I will check back later x
Take care

Newmummy - to you.

Please see someone today - can you get an appt with your HV/ GP/ relate?
Please also confide in your friends. I can guarantee you they will be there for you in the drop of a hat and will be upset to know you didnt feel you could confide in them.

You sound as though you are doing a great job with your son and it also sounds as though you do have a very good relationship with your DH. As other posters have said, the space may be a good thing for you both and the first few weeks with a bub can be very tough and trying on parents.

But please dont struggle with this alone - get some help from health professionals!

fllightattendant
you sound so together . did you ever have times like these? i sometimes feel like i am losing the plot.i am told it gets easier, but at the moment i cant see that.where are you? i am in the north east... could really do with someone like you to have a coffee with! son is asleep now so i am going to put my head down for half an hour. husband has texted me, just to say hope you are ok and got some sleep.

Hi newmummy - just wanted to see how you are.

I felt like I was losing the plot..I even called the Samaritans one night at about 2 am because I felt I couldn't cope and really didn't want to burden anyone with my problems but now I wish I had.

Your emotions are all over the place at the moment. Just take things easy and just look after you and your son. Everything else can wait.

xxx

Hi, well you're very kind...I don't know that I deserve any of those compliments!
I'm currently going through PND myself. The difference is that it's my second child and I have been through it once already and kind of know what to expect, so it doesn't freak me out so much.
Also I do not have a partner in the equation - he left when I was pregnant - which actually takes the pressure off quite a lot! I think it must be terribly difficult to juggle your own needs (for space, time alone etc) with those of a new baby and a partner...I don't know how people do it!!

I have had some very bleak times too but I do know that things improve - that's something you are unsure of because you're new to it at the moment, but trust me, you will have much better times.

I'm in Kent, would love to have coffee with you but it will have to be cyber coffee I think!!

Ps enjoy your rest...I bet you will see things much better after some much needed sleep x

hi emma, so much for getting my head down for 1/2 hour, it didnt happen! thank you for being so honest, i could do with friends who were so honest about these things, strange how we cant admit it isnt it. i cant bring myself to call my dad, he might ring today, but he is quite old fashioned and may think my hisband staying in a travel inn for a couple of nights is the end...both of our emotions are all over the place, it would help if one of us felt level headed, but we both know we love each other and i hope we are married for life.well i am in bed, son is lying on bed with me, i feel like i should have showered etc, house is tidy though i have tried to keep on top of things.am so tired son crying now

sod the housework....do as little as you can get away with to keep it hygienic and sort of tidy. and it doesn't matter about having a shower. Getting some rest is important, even if you don't sleep, just lying on the bed and relaxing for a while will do you the world of good.
i wish i could come and give you a hug and then send you off to bed for a sleep. you sound exhausted honey.......

ah, at least you WANT your marriage to work.

A new baby causes stress to even the most together relationships so try not to be too hard on yourself. It is hard work and with so little sleep.....it is difficult.

Take care, hope you can talk things through with your DH as soon as you feel ready.

You don't have to do this alone though, we have a PND support group in our area (not that I went - but I should have). You could ask your HV about it?

xxx

i am all over the place this mornin, my way of coping is to keep going, to tidy tidy tidy, do all washing clean, iron. i have made bottles and son is fine, sitting in his baby bouncer. i go onto automatic pilot, then stop and little by little the emotions start coming, then i go back to auto pilot. one minute i feel i can talk to dh, the next i dont want him near me. i keep looking at his photo and so desperely just want to be close to him, but know i have to break the cycle. there are times when i have thought i would be better alone but i dont want that to happen for me or my son. i dont want my son to go though what i went through. still in pyjamas. oh well worse has happened and i should think myself lucky i have a lovely husband, gorgeous son and lovely home.. just knowing when i am on autopilot that omeone out there is thining about me really helps. thanks to all of you so much xx will be back after...

feeling really crap again, still in pyjamas, my dad has phoned but i let the answer machine go on. i am soo tired my husband is booked in for another night at the travel inn.

Hi Newmummy, so sorry to hear of your situation with your dh. I'm afraid I have no experience of that, but you sound heartbroken over it all, but at the same time finding strength to stand up to him?

As for your mum...lots of experience...if you think at some point it would help, we have a thread specifically on difficult relationships with family members, particually mothers. Just here. Anytime you want to, please feel free to have a rant. We all understand how hurtful parents can be. Particually at times of stress/getting married/having children.

allyxxx

I think PND is easy to hide. Many women spen long hours on their own with the new baby while husband is working and when you look all stressed or knackered people expect that because you have just had a baby.
I am a long term sufferer of depression on and off and taking cipralex and only a few close people know.
I also know that it creeps up on you so slowly that you dont even realise its happening. Its like a cancer!
whatever your choices, keep talking to people, the worst thing you can do is shut yourself away even though it seems the easiest.
((((((((hugs))))))))

morning,
dh came back last night and tayed at home, although we had to pay for 2 nights at the travel in. it cost us £110. not good.
my mum still hasnt phoned, i think i might have a look at the difficult relationships post. when i was pregnant i asked if she would come to the hospital when i was in labour. you know where she was when my husband phoned when she said she would be in all day... wait for it.... at the theatre on a saturday afternoon. her patner just tells her i am ok and can cope, i am strong etc.
i am finding it hard though. she cant seem to remember that it is hard, all she says is she had no-one (when she did)and how she used to have a full meal cooked for my dad everyday and make out how good she was, where my dad gives a different side to the story. sometimes i think she wants me to fail in my marriage because it would make her feel better? she was horrible to my dad.
does anyone have any ideas how i can improve things with husband when i try to talk he just reacts immediately and angrily and it makes me have panick attacks.

Hi newmummy27

I can totally relate to where you are coming from. My DH and i jhad a terrible row last night and we still really talk this morning!

I have had depression before and some of the warning signs are creeping back in and i am absolutley terrified that i will become unwell again. I saw my homeopath on tuesday and she is treating me for my rollacoaster emotions and to lift my mood generally. Even after two days i do feel a little bit more like me.

I too have a rubbish relationship with my mum. She has been of little support and seems to focus on herself and her role as lo's grandma...i get lost! She too says no one helped her. However i think that would make her more inclined to help and support as she has been through it before! Why would you want some else to hurt?

It is really normal to for him to react with anger, probably because he is scared and out of his depth. maybe ask him how he feels about everything? If he feels like he's been listened to he maybe able to help you more as he will listen to you. having someone you love listen to you is the most important thing.

Not sure if this will be right for you.

Good luck, Thinking of you

Just managed to re-read my previous post and to clarify....

my DH and i didn't talk this morning!

and in the last paragraph 'him' is your DH.

Sorry, just getting used to mumsnet and quickly typing things before lo becomes too grumpy!

Hope your day has been ok and not too stressful....easier said than done hey!

Hi newmummy- Im from the thread Ally90 posted. When you feel up to it have a look.
You mention your mum a lot in your posts, and I think you are probably dealing with a lot of sadness over your relationship (lack of) with her.
What Flightattendant said makes a lot of sense, in that when you become a mum yourself it brings feelings about your own mum into focus, and if these feelings are negative ones it will imapact on you.
I really feel for you, I have been where you are now (with regards to my own mother).
hugsx