Should I seek support from his ex?

[Lillylight]

Long and short of it. My husband is like two very different people. Good is good and bad is bad. Things have reached crisis point and I am really torn whether enough is enough and I should leave him. There has been emotional abuse and at times he has a crossed the line on the physical front. He was engaged to his last partner but they never married. The story has always been told to me that his ex had controlling parents and that is why they ended things. He never rang true to me for some reason.
I have recently learnt that his ex lives near by and I am tempted to reach out to her. I suppose I what to find out if she experienced the same behaviour. I just feel like it may help push me into making a decision. Honest thoughts please. I don’t want to upset or rock the life of this other women.

What are you hoping to achieve from it? Sympathy or confirmation? In your heart you know that this guy is a prick and I suspect you know what to do, which is get away from him and get some therapy from a professional. Take care x

Sounds like you need to leave him because he is abusive to you. He may have been abusive to his ex, he might not have…it’s almost irrelevant really because either way he’s been abusive to you.

You don't need to talk to the ex for anything, this right here from your post is enough to make your decision:

"There has been emotional abuse and at times he has a crossed the line on the physical front"

Wishing you well, I know it's very very hard to face up to and to leave but if it's gotten physical it'll never turn back and more likely to get worse, get out while you still can x

What does it matter?

He is abusive to you.

He probably was to her. But why is that your deciding factor rather than the fact he is abusing you now.

OP, if he has been physical with you then you need to leave. Talk to the ex if you like but the important thing is that you make plans to leave.

Don't think reaching out would achieve anything at all. If she says he wasn't abusive to her are you going to go "oh, ok, just me then, that's ok let's keep going as we are". If he was abusive to her too is that enough for you to get rid? Need to LTB from how he behaves towards you alone, never mind anyone else.

The only reason I would reach out to the ex would be if I’d treated her unfairly due to what he’d told me about her.

Do you have any kind of relationship with her? Do they children together etc?

If none of the above then I would just leave it. You need to leave this relationship anyway. The only reason to talk to the ex would be to confirm that you were wrong about her if you led her to believe that. Iyswim.

If you haven’t got rid of him because he’s pushed you around let’s not pretend you’re going to get rid of him for pushing someone else around.

Like the title suggests you want to seek support from her which is outrageous. She’s had her own experience with him, she’s unlikely to want to revisit that or offer a stranger ongoing emotional support. Why should she, why do you feel entitled to emotional support from this stranger?

You’re also putting her in a potentially unpleasant situation with a violent man. This has happened to me and I didn’t appreciate it. And by support what she meant was she wanted to talk about it for hours and compare notes. I presumed her friends were sick of hearing about it.

Contact womens aid and leave her alone.

Sounds like her parents saw him for what he is. If it were me I wouldn't mind confidentially sharing my thoughts. Could be very illuminating for you. No reason not to tentatively feel her out and see if she is friendly towards you, she will know what it is about.

i once did and it made no difference as I kept telling myself that things were different with me and my ex.

my advice would be to make an independent decision on whether you stay and not base it on an ex or their experience. Or you risk constantly looking at the what ifs. Make your own mind on this and if this is the best thing for you