Wrong side of 35, lonely and worried

[Michiru]

It's the best way I can describe it.

I'm way past my prime; I may look young, but I am a single mum to a child and a teen, see them 50% of the time and my job (teaching) mostly takes on the other 50% of my awake time.

Maybe it's that time of the year, but I feel very lonely right now and I am getting more and more concerned that I'll never be able to have a functioning relationship with a sensible, caring person. I'm bi and very much 50% on who I'm attracted to by sex, so it's not like I wouldn't have a choice, but....

-I had a horrendous childhood with a single parent who openly rejected me, leading to
-a number of abusive relationships, inlcuding my failed marriage

I now can't trust a man, be it in his faithfulness, his levels of aggression, his ability to just treat me as a human being. I have never been successful at trying to date women, not for lack of trying, either.

I am just used to a life of being rejected or never good enough, have been abused and betrayed so many times. Yes, I have had copious amounts of therapy and happy pills.

I have so much going for me - financial independence, cleverness, cultural capital, unconditional love. But relationships are the one thing I can't hack and it's getting later and later and I feel I just can't ever find anyone who is just nice to me and wants me by their side emotionally at the same time. I'm on the spectrum, have no friends due to too many moves, different cultures and just being me.

I just want someone, anyone, to tell me all is going to be okay, hug me, and tell me I'm not on the scrap heap. That there is someone out there who will have me just as I am. That I am not some screw up with no hope.

But, practically, I just can't. I'm stuck. I'm either a mum or a teacher and I have no time and even if I did I'm too awkward to actually attract someone nice.

Has anyone ever been here, at my age, and still found love? Real love, from a nice man or woman, who wanted YOU and didn't just make do until a better offer came along?

Hi OP your post touched me and I wanted to post to say I'm sorry you feel like this.

I think you probably have some faulty wiring from childhood from the neglect you went through, I have the same sadly. It's tough and it's not your fault but I do think when we learn to fully love and accept ourselves as we are then the desire to find someone special does dissipate a bit and allows us to enjoy what we have, even if they are not exactly what we would choose.

If you keep treating yourself well and building yourself up, and doing the things you enjoy, by the law of averages you eventually might meet someone suitable and then you can choose whether you want to pursue a dating relationship with them.

Thanks, @Appleandblackberry29 did you ever find anyone who was just... kind?

I like who I am, I know that my past trials have made me a stronger person in many aspects of life. But the need to be loved, that just can't be shaken, and it gets picked up on by predators.

Michiru I feel your pain I really do. I had the same for a long time and yes eventually I did meet someone kind, thankfully. But it took longer than I thought it would and did involve me putting myself out there online! But yes I did.

I went for the opposite type to what I'd found attractive in the past, basically someone kind and dependable. No major fireworks but a good bond and sexual connection. Someone who I could rely on. We are not perfect but it works.

It's hope @Appleandblackberry29 and it's direly needed. Can I ask how old you were when you found someone decent and how long you had been looking for?

Michiru I was 34 and had spent about ten years in a big city going from one dating crisis to the next. DH struck me, when I met him, as a completely different kind of man, if anything a but more boring and slightly too caring when I met him as i wasn't used to stability. But there was something special about him himself, if that makes sense. A kindness for sure and a loyalty i didn't recognise. We aren't perfect and i wished we belly laughed more but we get on okay and I know where I am with him. We have grown to accept each other's faults and like each other's strengths so it works.

I was nearly ready to give up just before I met my DH but someone told me I shouldn't give up... and I'm saying the same to you! But be happy on your own anyway and yoh will enjoy it more when it happens.

Hi OP, firstly hugs 🤗

I have been in so many abusive relationships, my def esteem being at rock bottom seemed to attract these types, they preyed on it and eventually broke me a little bit more (including my best friend of 25 years running off with my partner), I didn't think I was worth anything.

I knew I was a professional in a financially secure job, not bad looking and witty to the point people say "oh bluebells you really should write a book" (I'm not being big headed here).

After the last relationship where he broke my wrist I started seeing my first love (you know that lose your virginity to one that you romanticise through all the bad relationships) and he is the absolute light of my life, I believe in myself now, he's pushed me to promotions at work because he tells me of my worth, he tells me he loves me.

I have had the best two years of my life and it's just getting better and better...... I'm 47 ...... there is hope

I can't help with the relationship issue but I do want to say you are not the 'wrong side' of anything! I know exactly what you mean but if you keep thinking like that it will be a self fulfilling prophecy ....start thinking at least you are the right side of 100 or something until you feel a bit more positive about it.
It's small things like how you think about your age that are making you more upset.

All but one of the men I have ever been with have been complete arseholes and sadly that is not an exaggeration...

Have you tried plenty of fish?

Sending love. Be positivexx

Hey OP, I'm in your situation (over 35 and a single parent). The difference is that I'm not looking for a relationship. Honestly I can't be arsed. I love having my space to myself, having only myself to think of once the kids are in bed, etc (I had them with a sperm donor so no other parent in the picture).

Being single doesn't have to be lonely. You can have a great fulfilling life with your friends, hobbies etc. If a partner comes along then sure, why not, but it's not a sine qua non condition for happiness.

If you want a partner of course you can find one, whatever your age, but it's not a necessity or a requirement.

I was 34 when I met my husband - I’d left an emotionally abusive relationship and worries that was it for me, spent 18 months on dating websites before I met him and haven’t looked back since.

I would say, though, that perhaps you should give making a new friendship circle another go too. Even in the best relationships, it’s helpful to have friends to talk to, go out with, moan at, laugh with - your future partner is unlikely to provide everything you need and it’s an unfair ask of them.

Good luck OP, he or she is out there!

You can literally meet someone at any stage of your life. I am 34 and get asked out quite a bit. I got asked out for a date on Tesco car park the other day! Very hard is an exaggeration.

What about men in their 40s? Yes, they're more likely to be complications due to baggage, but the same goes for women as they get older.