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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Divorce or stay for our baby?

39 replies

LaurenM87 · 13/09/2022 15:03

Hi,

I'm having a really difficult time with my husband. We had our LG 4 months ago who is my absolute world. Parenting has not come easy to my husband and he wants to to bare minimum. I do ALL the night feeds and I mean every single one. He's never so much as bought her a nappy. He probably spends an hour max with her on weekdays and that's on a very good day sometimes it's 10 minutes at her bedtime. She's never been the best sleeper and I'm up several times during the night, however, the past few nights I've had maybe 2 hours a night in total so am feeling extremely sleep deprived. I have asked my husband is there anything he can help me with and he's said no he's up for work in the morning. He goes to bed at 9 and gets up at 7! I could only dream of one night like this.

Anyway, my mental health has started to decline and I get fleeting feelings to self harm. I had a total emotional breakdown this morning and instead of supporting me he went on the defensive. I begged him for help and he said he can't support me as the feelings aren't the same and he feels our marriage is dead then sent me screen shots of how to get divorced. Then he says he doesn't want to get divorced but I'm forcing his hand. All while I'm telling him I'm worried I'm going to do something bad to myself. I feel this is pretty sick and don't really feel I can be with him anymore but I don't want my LG being in a broken home. I'm terrified at the prospect of him meeting someone who isn't good to my girl and think should I stay to keep my family together?

Sorry I know this is a book but there is so much more to this story. Any advice would be so appreciated I'm at my wits end!

OP posts:
Doingprettywellthanks · 13/09/2022 15:07

It sounds like the decision may be taken out of your hands op as he is pushing it

but given what you have said - I don’t think that would be a bad thing

how were things pre baby? Planned? Does he work?

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/09/2022 15:08

Presumably bottle feeding?

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 13/09/2022 15:08

Divorced parents are better than a dm on her knees with mh issues.
See a solicitor.. Claim Cms.

Quitelikeit · 13/09/2022 15:13

No wonder you are having dark thoughts. Sleep deprivation is no laughing matter.

this man is absolutely pathetic, you urgently need a decent sleep for a start. Do you have any family? Or can you afford a childminder for a few hours per week?

sending you that message was absolutely childish and disgusting

your first issue should be getting some rest so if you think he no risk to the baby and you can afford it, check into a hotel and leave the baby with him for 24 hours

RandomMusings7 · 13/09/2022 15:16

Did he even want the baby?

CollywobbleisCreepy · 13/09/2022 15:17

Fucking hell OP he is a complete and utter waste of space dickhead. Get some help and real life support to get out of this relationship, he’s both telling and showing you that he wants nothing to do with your baby and more tellingly appears to have checked out of the relationship. He won’t offer you anything worthwhile or positive if you stay. You and your baby deserve so much more.

Twizbe · 13/09/2022 15:17

First thing is to speak to your GP about how you're feeling. There's lots of support for maternal mental health out there.

Whatever happens next you need to be thinking clearly.

Second is to get some sleep. I assume your bottle feeding as you imply he could do night feeds. If so do you have a friend / mum / parent / etc who could watch baby for an hour or so to let you get some proper sleep.

Then you can work out the rest with DH

Twizbe · 13/09/2022 15:18

Oh and by work out I mean figure out a divorce.

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/09/2022 15:19

so if you think he no risk to the baby and you can afford it, check into a hotel and leave the baby with him for 24 hours

Ah this ol chestnut

You would be happy leaving your 4 month old with a man who has engaged with the baby for the sum total of probably less than 2 hours in her life and has never ONCE been up with her during the night?

You would be able to curl up in a hotel and sleep in this scenario?

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/09/2022 15:19

RandomMusings7 · 13/09/2022 15:16

Did he even want the baby?

Irrelevant

Quitelikeit · 13/09/2022 15:23

Doing pretty well

the woman is exhausted so if it’s an option why shouldn’t she do it?

what's your suggestion? Or are you going to pop round and help out?

unless there’s a reason he should be able to look after his own baby!!!

IssaBaby · 13/09/2022 15:24

You don't have to be divorced for your child to be in a broken home. Your home is already broken.

Leave him before your mental health gets worse. My exh and I co parent our dd. I would definitely never say she is in a broken home. Because both sides adore her.

Go, before your mental health gets to a point where you truly can't function or even look after your dd.

Its just you and her now, together you will be more than fine OP. You've got this.

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/09/2022 15:28

Quitelikeit · 13/09/2022 15:23

Doing pretty well

the woman is exhausted so if it’s an option why shouldn’t she do it?

what's your suggestion? Or are you going to pop round and help out?

unless there’s a reason he should be able to look after his own baby!!!

I am being realistic

not a chance most mothers would be able to chill out and sleep away from their 4 month knowing the baby is with someone who might as well be a stranger to the baby.

would you.

she needs to accept that this twat isn’t going to change. And she needs to start squirrelling and planning her departure

and she needs to urgently go to the GP and explain her thoughts and feelings

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/09/2022 15:31

And what makes you think it is an “option”? He has explicitly said he will offer “no support”

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2022 15:34

Your home is broken already because of his actions. Better to be from a so called broken home also than to remain in one for her sake. Staying for the sake of your daughter will not help she or you in the long run and will go onto teach her damaging lessons about relationships. Would you want her to endure this type of marriage; no you would not and its not good enough for you either. This man and his complete lack of support is the root cause of you feeling as you are now.

Where is your support in terms of your GP, health visitor, family and friends?.

UseOfWeapons · 13/09/2022 15:50

Take a deep breath. Call the GP and book an appointment. Do the same with the health visitor. Have a cuppa, and cuddle your little girl. Ring trusted friend or family. Tell them what you are going through. There are people out there who can help, and who WILL help you.

You need support and practical help. Your daughter and you deserve better than this, and you will get through this. You'll be entitled to financial support from him. If he is not willing to be there for your baby now, what hope is that for the future? The marriage is already broken, I agree with PP about that, this is not a marriage any more.. Please start with your GP, and take it from there, one step at a time. Wishing you all the best.

UnnecessaryFennel · 13/09/2022 15:58

He sounds exactly like my xh, who checked out of both marriage and fatherhood, mentally speaking, the day I came home from the hospital with ds. I left when ds was 10 months old, and never looked back.

There's no such thing as a 'broken home', OP. But you will be broken if you stay with this useless waste of space.

Do you have family who can support you? Go to them if you can.

Original poster
LaurenM87 · 13/09/2022 16:15

Thank you everyone for the advice. I feel like you are echoing my feelings but I'm so scared to take that leap. He's always been a selfish person but I never envisioned it getting so bad. I breastfeed and express so have a stash for him to help but he rarely does. I'm moving to combi feeding today though so my mum and MIL (who does help but tends to see things from his point of view) can support more. I'm going to ring the GP in the morning and get an appointment as I'm seriously concerned about how I'm feeling. It's just so frustrating as I adore DD and love being her mum more than anything and know I wouldn't be feeling low if I had a supportive husband. I have a supportive family though which is a god send.

OP posts:
mintydragon · 13/09/2022 16:21

Please divorce this man. A ‘broken home’ is better than growing up with this frankly abusive psychopath as a father.

Twizbe · 13/09/2022 16:32

It's good you have support and are speaking to the GP.

Just a note if you're not expressing missed feeds and are going to reduce them / stop feeding. It can cause a bit of a hormone dip which might make you feel worse temporarily. That shouldn't stop you doing what's right for you? But forewarned is forearmed

Original poster
LaurenM87 · 13/09/2022 16:44

Thank you I didn't realise this. Definitely better to know what to look out for!

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 13/09/2022 16:47

Divorce him now before you waste anytime on him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2022 17:08

re your comments in quote marks
"I feel like you are echoing my feelings but I'm so scared to take that leap".

Do not be scared to make that leap. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

"He's always been a selfish person but I never envisioned it getting so bad".

That is a Red flag re he being a selfish person. It was always going to be bad sadly. He only cares about his own self and getting his own needs met; your DD and you are not a priority to him.

Glad to read you have a supportive family; this will help you no end.

Original poster
LaurenM87 · 13/09/2022 17:50

For those of you who said you left how did you juggle being apart with a small baby? Did you still live together when separated or different homes? I can't stand the thought him taking her for say a couple of nights a week while she's so little. I've only been apart from her for a few hours at a time.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaurenM87 · 13/09/2022 17:51

I know I only wish I'd realised sooner. But I suppose then I wouldn't have my DD.

OP posts: