Therapy

[Nonorenames]

I’m at the beginning of understanding and coming to terms with the fact that I have been in an abusive marriage. We have had 2 sessions of couples therapy and I’m struggling slightly with something the therapist said. I told her that I felt my husband was abusive (verbally not physically - he’s not hit me but has our child - aged 10). A couple of things she said jarred with me and I wondered if they were normal. After my telling her about a couple of instances she proceeded to tell me that both people make a relationship and its dynamics. I told her that I did not agree with her when it came to abuse - how could this be the case? It felt like victim blaming which she was at pains to point out she was not doing - that abuse was never ok etc.etc. The session ended with her asking us to think about what we both wanted and what we could do to change things. I d her that I didn’t know and that’s why we were there!! AIBU? She also labelled the way we spoke to each other as disrespectful “from her perspective” - it felt judgemental. I’d be grateful for your thoughts.

It isn’t recommended to have couples therapy if the relationship is abusive. The abuser will only use it as another way to abuse you. I had a few sessions with my ex partner at his request, and I guess in a last ditch attempt to get something to change. It wasn’t long before he was trying to gaslight me into believing the therapist said X and Y (she didn’t) and that everything was my fault. When I privately disclosed the abuse to the therapist she said ‘it takes two to tango’ I didn’t go back.

I would recommend stopping the couples therapy and speaking to Women’s Aid instead.

Also, is your child safe? Keeping them safe should be your priority right now, not your relationship.

If you are in an abusive relationship, your responsibility to yourself is to get out of it, and you play a part in the relationship and its dynamics by staying in it.

She may be trying to get you to understand that your ideal move is to leave, but doing it clumsily. It's not victim blaming to say that the victim has the power to leave if they are not happy. The abuse is still the abuser's fault.

An abusive relationship takes 2, just like any other, and that may be the only point she was making.

Why are you having therapy if you know the relationship is abusive? It's not a good idea because abusers manipulate and lie, and abuse relies on open and honest communication.

I think you’re right Watchkeys. I just feel so lost and confused and she made me second guess if the relationship is abusive. I really just want recognition of the abuse by my partner and for it to stop.

The recognition has to come from you. The whole reason you've put up with abuse in the first place is because you second guess yourself.

You're in charge. Your feelings are the boss. If it doesn't feel right to you, it isn't right for you, and nobody can tell you any different.

You know he's abusive. Don't you.

Don’t seem terribly concerned about your ten year old child thst he’s hit OP???

Teenyliving Not the purpose of the thread or question and I don’t have to justify to strangers whether / how I’m concerned about my cold. Please don’t comment if all you have to say is unhelpful / judgemental. I wish you a a happy day. .

well you asked for thoughts. My thoughts on reading your Post were that you’re not sure if your husband is abusive becaue he hasn’t hit you but then popped in a throw away line about him having hit your ten year old child.

so my thought is that your husband very probably is abusive. And my other thought is that you very probably are doing nothing to protect your child.

so my thought is to wonder what steps you have taken in response to your husband hitting your child.

I'd actually somehow missed that he's hit your child. If it's not the purpose of the thread, why? Why isn't it the most important thing to you to get your child away from somebody who is physically abusive to them? I have a friend who was raised like this. Mum and Dad argued a lot, child was sometimes hit, Mum tried to argue with Dad that he was wrong, but it didn't stop him, and they all stayed together under the same roof. My friend will never speak to her Mum again because of how upset she was and is that her Mum didn't remove her from the violence.

Don't let that child be like my friend. Don't be that Mum. If your child is in danger, protect them. When else would you leave them in danger's path, and try to chat your way out of it over a series of weekly sessions?

He hit your ten year old?

Jesus. Yes, he's abusive.

If your therapist finds out about hitting your 10yr old they will be legally mandated to report it to social services. Just so you know.

Why are you with a man that assaulted a child?

Both people have a responsibility but not blame.
Sometimes the truth is uncomfortable. It's not the therapist's fault that it is the case.
You are enabling the abuse by staying.
You need to think about what you can do, rather than complaining about what your abuser should change. Clearly that hasn't got you very far already.
If the therapist said it's all your partner's fault, would that help? Or do you need permission/instruction to leave from the therapist?
Good luck, but I think the therapist is trying to help you decide what to do by yourself and own it. Some individual therapy might be more in order for you.
Good luck.

I think you do already know that for you and your child’s life to get better, you have to get rid of the thing that’s rotting both of your mental health, and that’s him.
he is abusive and a gaslighter and has physically assaulted your child and mentally abused you both.
this is who he is, even with therapy he’s used that as a tactic to make you doubt yourself. But I can see there is still a spark of fire inside you, telling you this is not a good relationship anymore. You DO know it, or you wouldn’t be posting this.
It is incredibly, incredibly hard and painful to leave a long term relationship, and a bitter pill to swallow that you’ll have to be the one who’s been forced to do it when all you yearned for was a happy family life, but his actions have taken that away and now you have to take control.

Get therapy/counselling alone. Line up your ducks. It’s gruelling and yes, unfair as you never wanted this life. But the cards have been dealt, and now it’s down to you how you play your hand. You will be exponentially more happy when you and DC are out the other side, that I am sure of, because I’ve been through it myself.
It’s either stay in the circle of fire, slowly scorching to death, or run through the wall of flames, hurt like hell for a bit, heal a lot, then look back at the firey hell miles in the distance while you both lie on the cool, damp fresh grass, and feel the most free ever.
Gather all your strength OP, I believe in you!

So many wise words on here. It adds insult to injury that you pay for some twat of a counsellor to give you really bad advice and plenty of judgement.

ladyjadie Thank you so much for your kindness and this wise advice. It had really helped me to crystallise things. I appreciate it very much.

When your therapist said both of you create the dynamic I think she meant that both of you have unhealthy but different qualities. Your partner having abusive behaviours and yourself having poor boundaries accepting living in this dynamic (up until now when things might change). Keep going with the therapy. It might be painful having these things pointed out but that's what you're there for -rupture & repair.

HappyPeach Thank you yes that makes sense now I’ve had a bit of distance from the session. It’s a very painful place to be as it’s not who I thought I was.

Even more concerning that you are so defensive about it and claiming it's not relevant IMO.
A good therapist would not be counselling you as a couple if the relationship is abusive, here's why:
www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/

Your child has been hit by your husband. Your child is being abused. I hope they tell a teacher or another responsible adult.

You need to end your relationship.