What was your relationship like when you had young DC?

[gillybean89]

I've been with DH 11 years, married 6. We have 2 DC aged 5 and 2.5 years. I had PND after having DD and I don't think mine and DH relationship has ever really recovered. I'm a SAHM out of necessity really as childcare would have taken up all my income and DH works long shifts plus overtime.
We get on fine as individuals but I feel that we are more friends/housemates. I can't remember the last time we had sex, and we hardly even kiss or cuddle. We bicker over stupid things. Never get chance to have a date as we have very little in the way of childcare.
DH thinks this is the case for everyone with young DC as life is stressful/chaotic and that once DS is in school life will be much easier.
I can't decide if he's right, or if it's a problem we need to either address or part ways.
Please tell me what your relationship with partner/spouse was like when your children were young. Is our situation normal?

My DC are 4 and nearly 2, and it's exactly the same in our house. We feel more like a team keeping the house and kids going, rather than a couple. It's very hard, but I think it's quite normal for these years when kids take up all your time and energy. Is there anyone around who can babysit for a night every now and then so you can spend some time together away from the house and the kids?

I heard a lot of dire warnings that having kids would ruin our marriage and I got v worried about it so when our first baby was born I made a huge point of checking in with my husband regularly, asking him how he was feeling, telling him how much I appreciated his hard work for our family, doing things like getting a takeaway to surprise him, suggesting watching his favourite film, making cocktails now and then, etc etc, and making sure that I kissed him, hugged him and told him I loved him every single day.

Sounds ridiculous now I've written it down. But it really worked.

DS didn't sleep through until he was nearly 3, we both work full time. It was hard and there were definitely patches where we felt more like team mates than husband and wife.
I found just talking openly about that and me making an effort to be a bit more tactile really paid off. DH is more physically affectionate than I am, but also needs that more for connection (I'm not talking about sex). Just a five minute cuddle in the morning before the alarm goes off goes a long way, remembering and prioritising a goodbye kiss before dashing off to work etc. I think for us it helped that we were best friends for years before we were a couple, so it didn't feel bad and the assumption was always this too shall pass, and we didn't resent each other for it, just the situation!

We were divorced by the time DD was 5.

Thank you for your replies. @MaryJoLisa can I ask what sparked the divorce?
Its comforting to hear your experiences. I think this all bothers me far more than it does DH. I think he just gets his head down and keeps going whereas I perhaps have more time to ponder. He works front line NHS and I know that his job is relentless and exhausting, but I feel so unloved.
My mum could maybe come and sit with the kids. It's quite tricky to find a day she can do between her active social life and DH shifts, but I will try to find a date and schedule them both in.

You're not alone, OP. It's hard. When DC1 was a toddler I really started doubting my feelings for DH and went to counselling (alone) to sort out my head. What I realised was that my life had COMPLETELY changed and his had hardly changed at all. So I felt at odds with this new person I'd become and the one that fell in love and got married. We're still facing issues now, 10 years on, but life revolves around the DC and routines and that keeps us from dwelling on it. It's good that your DH thinks it's normal - hopefully he's not unhappy with things. If you can have date night once a month that might help. Even if you just talk and there's no sex at the end. Just find a way to reconnect.

Fairly similar tbh, but in a good natured way. We have a 3.5 year old and both work full time, and freely admit we both struggle with the lack of freedom of parenting. We've been together a long time (15+ years) and lead quite independent lives before. Very little in the way of childcare outside of nursery.

I think it is fairly normal, especially if you've been together a while before having kids and are past the honeymoon stage of the relationship. Most of my friends with young children admit they rarely have sex and would rather sleep or just be on their own for a while. I do expect it to get better again as our child gets older - in fact it's already better than it was. We still get on well, not much bickering and no rows ever, occasional affection... just knackered and stressed all the time.

I think there's a lot to be said for being very good friends with your life-long partner. Passion is great, but you need to be able to still get on when you're ill, the toilet's leaking and you've run out of money.

It was less good than it's been at any point before or since! Been together 24 years, kids are mid-teens now.
Definitely had a wobbly couple of years when the kids were very small. We had an extraordinarily stressful time - high risk pregnancy, bereavement, DH starting a stressful new job and moving to the other end of the country with our three under twos. I think in those first years I thought there was a genuine chance we'd split up once one of us had the energy - it was just such a drag and we really got into the competitive stress/tiredness thing.
But we came through it and I'd say we have a really good, strong marriage now. We're enjoying life together and excited for the future as the kids grow up and make their own way in the world.
We always got on well, even in the difficult times, if we carved out a bit of time for ourselves. I know it's hard to do that, but I think it's good that you're going to try.

We’ve got a 3 year old and DH has two teens. Nothing has changed since having DD. We make an effort to talk about non child related stuff, have as much sex as before, hold hands and usual day to day intimacy etc. We rarely have time alone but that hasn’t been a problem.

Sorry you’re feeling low. I think you’re right to notice what’s changed and try to address it. If you don’t you might look up in a few years and wonder what happened as you don’t know each other anymore.

@Numbat2022 I like your point at the end there. We are still able to laugh about the rubbish things in life. He takes the p!ss out of me all the time and often says the day he stops is the day he stops caring - it's his way of showing affection.
@33goingon64 you're definitely right. My life has changed massively but his hasn't much. I definitely have an internal struggle with who I was before kids and who I am now. Did counselling help?

And what effort did he put in?

Relationships flounder mainly because men take the piss, letting their wives do everything while still expecting them to be sexy and fun and carrying the emotional load of the relationship.

Relationships can flounder because either party stops bothering to invest. I know two couples who split up because once they had a baby the woman only cared about that and nothing else.

One very good friend said from the day her son was born she couldn’t be bothered with her partner at all. She said baby cuddles were all she needed and she couldn’t be bothered ever having sex again. I know them well, he already had kids, was capable, engaged, a great dad to all of them, worked hard, did a fair share around the house, was self employed so flexible hours. She wasn’t depressed, she was perfectly happy putting everything into their child and it stayed that way for a few years till they mutually called time. They’re both still single and coparent well. She just went off the idea of being in a relationship once she became a mum.

Yes it certainly helped me to just come to terms with the fact that I was no longer the same person - or that perhaps I had woken up to another layer of myself that made me feel like a different person. Everything suddenly felt imbalanced - I'd gone from working full time and being free to do as I wanted to every waking (and sleeping) hour being at the beck and call of a small person. Plus all the domestic stuff being 'my' domain. Your world shrinks and I think I emerged from that feeling different. I couldn't see where DH fitted in anymore. But in the end the process of counselling made me realise I had too much to lose from breaking away and that I just needed to shift my perspective - make time for my interests, value what I wanted, and accept that this 'new' me was here to stay and that I needed to adapt, to not lose myself again.

@thewalrus it's wonderful to hear your experience, having made it out the other side. What keeps me going is that we still really get on with each other when we get the chance to actually have a conversation! I guess I just never expected things to feel so hard. It's just one foot in front of the other all the time isn't it?!

We had 2 in two years and when my youngest was 2/3 was probably our and my lowest point. We were slightly different in that I kept working after having DC 2. But I worked part time evenings and DH worked days. So we would literally be like ships in the night some days. We did have the same days off which helped.

I felt like I totally lost my identity. I hated doing everything at home and them going out to work. I had no time for anything for myself. DH hated being tied to the house with the kids in bed every evening and also had no time for himself out of the house as a result. It was really hard. We fought. We almost broke up. But we both knew we wanted to stay together and that was more important.

When DS2 was 3 I got a full time job working days. We got a childminder for the wrap around. Evenings were freed up for both of us to do things socially. It wasn't a miraculous overnight improvement (we had some bumps in the road like an unplanned house move and bereavement). But I definitely think that is when things started to get gradually better. We're in a good place now.

The main thing is to keep talking and keep working together. I knew with my DH that he wanted us to have more time together and do more together. And he showed it. But I also think a lot of it was down to how I felt in myself about myself and I had to work on that as well. I make sure I get out of the house twice a week for my hobbies and social life. I do things for myself by myself.

It is very normal OP which doesn't mean it's ok. Except your DH sounds very understanding and logical about the situation. Which is a huge advantage.

It is however probably no surprise to realise that the majority of long term relationships and marriages fail within a child's first 5 years. A large part of this is to do with basic biology and countering that feels literally 'unnatural'

Think about it logically. As human animals we look for a mate to procreate with. We have evolved to the degree that allows us to choose when to have children, normally for a good few years after getting together, it will just be the couple. Your focus of love and attention is each other. Then boom ! You let off a hand Grenada in your marriage in the shape of a baby.

The entire shape of your relationship changes. The centre of your world moves from partner to baby. Sometimes this happens to an extreme degree. Mothers have been encouraged to be 'attached' to their babies 24/7 - which means not only has the male partner (or non primary care giver) lost the undivided attention of his partner - but can often feel completely excluded. Sex is rarely at the forefront of a new mothers agenda - tiredness and the underlying fear of another pregnancy are part of the mix.. further distancing the couple.

Given all the above it is not entirely surprising that the man can be tempted away to a new relationship where the focus is once again on him.

I am not condoning it for one minute . We are not base animals, we have both brain and conscience to work this out. However I do think that this has to come from BOTH sides and requires effort from the mother as well as the father to appreciate what is happening and to make a super human effort to make time for intimacy, affection and care with each other. It will pass as the children grow but it is a lot harder to re-ignite an extinguished spark - than nurturing a tiny flame through the tough times.

I recommend date night at home. Kids to sleep, then put on some nicer clothes, maybe even some perfume and makeup, put on music, have a nice bottle of wine (or whatever your favourite drink is) and an easy but yummy dinner (we just do cold meats and cheeses and nice bread so no cooking). Absolutely key rule is no phones or TV, only music in the background. Just spend the evening relaxing and chatting to each other, as you would in a restaurant. My DH and I do this almost every Saturday night.

If you can do that and relax into it and enjoy each others company, you are fine. If you can't and spend the whole time wishing you were watching TV or what's apping your mates, you may have a problem.

So in short, I broadly agree with your DH, but the two of you need to take steps to remind yourselves why you got married and had those kids in the first place.

One of the hardest periods of our relationship. But it does get easier when they start to be more independent. I do think if you can just get out of the house together for a few hours it makes all the difference. Just to connect and chat