Please help - Am falling apart

[winemonster]

Please can someone offer any advice as I am literally at breaking point and not sure how much longer I can continue.

My relationship ended 2 weeks ago after I pushed him away one to many times. We had been together for over a year and practically living together for the last 8 months at my place (contributing equally). He is my first relationship since my 13-year marriage ended in 2020 (my decision after many years of loneliness and unhappiness)

He is a lot younger than me (19 years) but showed me so much love, total respect, care and friendship. We started off as friends but then fell in deeply love.

We always said we were best friends, soul mates as well as partners. It was a revelation to be treated this way. Despite his young age, he was wise beyond his years and we just clicked in every way, everyone said we made such a good couple, we were always laughing, joking and teasing each other but there was also SO much love there. He couldn’t keep his hands off me, always touching, and caressing me, wanting cuddles all the time.

He really cared about my custody time with my 8 year old son (I hadn’t introduced him yet but was planning to very soon) he always asked about him and was genuinely happy and said how he wants us be a family together one day, teach my boy football. He was always doing little things to show his love. Talking about marriage in our future. I was sceptical at times because of the age difference but this was honestly one of the healthiest relationships I had been in, in terms of how good, loyal and loving partner he was to me. As he said age is just a number.

Two weeks ago, my estranged husband went crazy at me yet again that I am with this person, and I let him get into my head. He was screaming and shouting that this guy is a user, I'm an old fool, everyone is laughing at me. He'll break my heart and throw me away like trash one day. My partner was away visiting family for the day and in a moment of self-sabotage and upset I texted him ending things, saying the age gap was too much, that there were better people out there for us.

I've done these 3 other times before over the last year and he's endured the pain of my words but still stood by my side with love and reassurance of his commitment to me, UNTIL this time.

He came home and tried to talk to me, but I shut him down, he was crying, I was crying. He tried to hold me, we hugged for 10 minutes then he got his things and left in tears and shock, the pain on his face. I'll never get out of my mind.
After some reflection and honest thinking, I regret so much my actions, I am a fool. I let a good thing go because I was listening to my twat of an ex. I've deeply hurt the man who loved me with everything he had and showed this every single day in a healthy and honest way.

He's my best friend and I am bereft without him. I've really looked at my actions and behaviours and realise what changes I need to make to ensure I don’t behave like this again or allow my ex to manipulate me like he did for so long.

I've tried reaching out to him explaining how sorry I am and how I can see how hurtful my behaviour was and I am understanding why I behaved like this now and I am working on myself to become a better person emotionally. That I love him with all my heart, and I am so desperately sorry for the pain I have caused and can we try again. But he says he simply cannot risk any more hurt or rejection from me, it’s nearly destroyed him and he can’t allow himself to be ripped open like that again as he's just distraught, but he will always love me and if I ever need anything to let him know.

I can’t function, can’t eat, can’t sleep. My anxiety is through the roof, I am SO full of regret and deep deep sadness that I've hurt the man I love and thrown away a chance of real future of love and happiness with him.

We are now on day 5 of no contact and it’s just not getting any easier. I feel sick, can’t concentrate, zero sleep, crying, on verge of panic attacks constantly.

Wondering if he's thinking of me as I am him. Will he forgive me in time and be open to giving us another chance?

Will I ever hear from him again? He says he hopes I will find someone who will love me fully with all their heart and make me happy so doubtful he’ll contact me.

I don’t want anyone else! I want him and can’t imagine that ever changing. Only two weeks ago, we went to go to sleep cuddling tightly as always and after a while I heard him whisper quietly when he thought I was asleep “You make me so happy”

I am dragging myself to work but literally cannot concentrate, I feel like I am about the literally burst with the sense of regret, loss and grief. I am not able to be the mum my boy deserves as I am just consumed with all these physical and emotional feelings. I literally want to stop all this pain right now but can’t because of my son.

I also have two other things happen in my life recently that have just added to the hurt and sadness I feel about my life in general. I feel like there is nothing but darkness and loneliness ahead.

Please can anyone offer anything at all about how to navigate through this? I'm terrified I'll always feel this way.

The fact that you have done this three times before in less than a year suggests a deeply up and down relationship build on emotional highs
a 19 year age gap is big whichever way you cut it
how soon after your split from your Husband did you start dating? I think it all sounds very intense rather than a mature relationship
it doesn’t take the hurt away tho and it’s horrible
I do think you need to take time and work on yourself and why your ex had this effect on you? Put all that time and emotion into you and process your split

I'm so sorry you're in this much pain, OP, it is awful when relationships end. It can seem like it will be endless, but time is a great healer and it will definitely get better.

That said, I think you really need to reach out for some IRL help. Partly to help you deal with the short-term pain, and partly to help you make long-term changes so you don't do this all over again.

I can't fault your boyfriend for deciding to remain apart after the fourth time you'd pushed him away. You need to respect his decision and move on ... easier said than done, I know, but it is the right thing to do. As you care for him so much, I know you'll want what's right for him and he deserves a chance to heal.

You're clearly a very loving person but it sounds like you could benefit from working with a counsellor on your attachment style and how to form healthy new relationships. I can see that you and your boyfriend loved each other deeply, but at the same time it sounds very intense for a relationship that was still fairly new and that often isn't very healthy or balanced. You deserve a love and happiness, and your son deserves a mum who is happy and emotionally balanced.

Please talk to your GP about short-term help and what mental health and counselling options there are for you.

best wishes

I feel I could have written this. I’ve been through a divorce and now with someone and there is quite an age gap (he’s quite a bit younger) he has his own place but basically lives at mine, makes huge effort with kids on my contact time and is a lovely lad

however I must have ended it about 12 times literally it can take someone saying oh gosh how do you make it work with someone so much younger blah blah then I end up focused on that and just think I’m going to finish it

ive got an anxious attachment style and I think this has something to do with it but I know if I keep doing it my partner will just think I’m sick to death of this which he has said quite a few times

are you still on his social media? I take it there has been no blocking of numbers? I don’t know want to give false hope but if someone doesn’t block your number and says they will still be here for you if ever you need them then it’s not over

Sorry to hear you are struggling op. You might not want to hear this but you are not in a place place for a relationship right now. It sounds like your ex still has too much headspace in your life and you perhaps haven't healed from abuse. (Which btw, his behaviour is)

If I were you I would message your new partner and say that you have realised this is the case and that you wish him all the best but until you have healed, you need to take the time single. That you are sorry its Bern all push and pull. That you love him dearly but you need to find your own inner peace and self again

That way, perhaps in a few years if you are both single, perhaps he would be open to trying again.

But genuinely do the self work in this time. Stay single and perhaps seek some therapy to rebuild your self worth. Imo dating someone 20 years younger...probably isn't wise if your self worth I shaky anyway tbf.

More importantly work on distancing yourself as much as possible from your ex. Don't speak to him about anything not regarding the kids.

I am sorry to read this, I can see you are in pain. I would let this man go as you have hurt him 3 times now. Give him the space to live a life without this emotional roller coaster you have put him through. You are no where near ready to be in a relationship. Stay single. Get therapy. Dont contact this man again.

My partner is 16 years younger than me so I understand the age gap anxiety. We split once, five months in, because of it and him not wanting me to have to deal with his family. We lasted two days.

The reason it hasn't happened again is because when we decided we had to be together we also decided to accept the age gap if we wanted it to work.

You haven't accepted it, that's why it's reared it's head four times.

Before you even ask him for another chance YOU have to decide whether YOU can accept the age gap - because if you do it won't matter what anyone else says. If you can't, let him go.

OH and I have been together 3.5 years now, and it's fabulous.

How old is he, OP?

How long after your marriage breakup did this relationship start? It all sounds very intense.

Had their been arguments?

Hi, thanks for the replies. Sorry I don't know how to reply individually.

He is 26.

We never argue, but talked things through with love and respect for each other, so far anyway. He is very laid back and chilled. No game playing or dishonesty at all.

Yes, I agree it's been intense but that's because of the depth of feelings on each side. And it was not intense in a unhealthy way. Just big love and feelings.

He has honestly not put a foot wrong, no red flags or worries, its all been me and this issue with my husband exploding at me as has happened four times now and he says with such hatred, conviction and venom that my boyfriend is using me, laughing at me behind my back, drop me like a stone eventually that even though I am secure in my partners love for me 99% of the time this really unsettles me. As my husband says that he knows what he is talking about as he's a bloke and was 26 once!

I know I need to now leave him be, oh my goodness I am broken into a thousand pieces and it's all my fault. He was a true diamond in the rough and through my actions I have lost his love and friendship for me. That's such a hard thing to process and accept.

He hasn't blocked me on anything but I did remove him from FB as a friend a week or so ago as didn't want to see any updates or see if when he was online (I hate that little green dot!) as it was making my anxiety worse.

I am already on long term anti depressants (since a teenager) and anti anxiety medication also but its really not helping right now. I probably need to look at some therapy for myself although apart from this issue with my ex husband spouting this stuff I was very secure and happy with my relationship.

I have tried several times to explain everything and how it would be different now and I'll never listen to that absolute arse of a husband of mine ever again. But it's too little too late.

He's been very sweet (because that's the kind soul he is) but he is firm in saying he cant do it anymore and he's very sorry but always be there for me if I need anything. My heart literally cannot take the loss. I feel like I've lost two people, my very best friend and my partner all at once.

So that's it, I've lost the best thing I have ever had apart from my lovely son.

And yes, I accept the age gap, maybe we wouldn't be forever, who knows? but I wanted to take as long as we have. No relationship is guaranteed forever.

I am consumed with the pain of how much I have hurt him, I literally feel so so guilty and lost, he never ever deserved it. What an absolute mess.

Could you write him a letter?

Pain wise I feel your pain hugs masses of them but if you’ve driven him away before I don’t know whether he’ll come back. Hugs take it hour by hour at this stage.

He's been very sweet (because that's the kind soul he is) but he is firm
in saying he cant do it anymore and he's very sorry but always be there
for me if I need anything. My heart literally cannot take the loss. I
feel like I've lost two people, my very best friend and my partner all
at once

So he doesn't want to resume the relationship ?
How is he holding up, better than you ?

You called the shots about the age gap 3 times. Why would he set himself up for a 4th time? Clearly he's convinced your mature "wisdom" is correct and drew his own sad conclusion that it will never work as you'd concluded yourself.
Now your ex has stepped in and controlled you.
I'd run for the hills if I were your younger man.

Why wouldn’t it be obvious to you that any comments from your ex husband regarding your boyfriend would be coming from a play of resentment and jealousy?

Why do you hold your EX husband’s views as more important than your own?

How will you make decisions in the future? If it’s not your ex H telling you how to think, who will it me next?

Do you trust your own instincts at all? How did that come about?

Any did you tell your Ex your partner's age anyway? Your relationship is none of his business.

I do agree it's a large age gap and I'd be wondering what happens if he wants his own kids down the line.