income argument

[Catsmitten]

My husband and I have been married for almost 30 years and, have both recently retired. He rarely does side jobs as he's somewhat disabled but loves to putter in his new shop. We have a decent income but could always use the extra for needed home repairs/upgrades. Our issue surfaced when he did some work for a family member - who then paid him a significant amount. My husband cashed the check and did not even discuss putting a portion of it in our joint account, rather kept the entire amount for his own use. My issue, and argument to him, is that after all our years of working, a large portion of my income went into the joint household account, (his as well but loves his "pocket money"). With this latest income, however, it was not even discussed. Every time I broached the subject he closed down & would not budge or even discuss putting some of the money into our household account. The money is now gone as he spent it all on goodies for his shop. I find this incredibly selfish, and am having a very hard time getting past it. Am I in the wrong here?

hard to say as all couples are unique. he did the work and maybe in the future he will be able to do more both in the home and for fun money. so him using that money (to presumably buy tools for the shop) does not seem unreasonable.
if there is something you would like with your next pension pay, buy yourself a something especially if hobby related (quilting cardmaking or cycling and hiking).

@Catsmitten what does he make in his shop?

I think as you are both retired, him taking on extra work should go to him.

Take the equivalent out of the joint account.

Yes, you are in the wrong.

What does he do in the shop?, I thought maybe he will make more money with what he purchased for the shop.

What sort of shop? Is it an actual shop that sells things or is the American version and it is a garage/shed where he makes/fixes stuff?

No, you are not in the wrong.

We have a pre-agreement on this - all main income goes into the joint pot but side hustles/paid hobbies are for personal spending ( we have equal personal spends out of the joint pot too).

But the point is that this was agreed upfront. Suggest you come to an agreement from now on.

I wouldn't find this an issue. Real employment money goes to the joint account as we are both working towards the relationship. Hobby money goes to personal accounts.

My wife has a candle making 'business', maybe only makes a few hundred on the side but I'd never dream of asking her to put it in joint. This is only an issue because he did 'too' well. Would you be asking if it were £100? Would you be struggling if he didn't hand over the money?

Thank you all for your comments ~ most were helpful. For the bulk of our married life our working income was combined & used with an agreed common goal. The fact he was self employed & reduction of that due to his disability has hit him hard, well both of us really, & it's been quite an adjustment. I understand this and support his need for pocket money. My main issue is the refusal to discuss the possibility of putting a percentage of any income into savings. I did when I took on a small part time job after retiring from full time. Lack of communication is the main sore point here.

I can see why you’re annoyed, I think I would be too. Mainly about the lack of discussion / seeing that you should have a say about it.

There's no right or wrong, but if you're upset he should care about that and be interested in trying to find a compromise or a way to help you understand better.

Does he just brush you off? Has he done this before? If so, that's the problem, regardless of the money.

Kinda of one fence really, if the work outside of “employment” as such, I would have thought is not unreasonable for him to use the money for whatever he wants, 🤷🏼‍♂️

not sure about the use of the term “pocket money”, that would really annoy me

I think after 30 years together his approach to this money is selfish.

however after 30 years together he is unlikely to change his approach to situations so I guess you’ll have to tolerate it

It would annoy me too. In our marriage, every penny goes into a joint account and all bills and personal spending comes out of the joint account too. AFAIK my husband doesn't even have his own account anymore! All savings are discussed etc. I wouldn't be happy if my husband suddenly got some money and decided to put it aside for himself without discussion.

You should have the same amount of spending money. Anything other than that is unfair.