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Original poster

How much importance do you give to your "type"?

32 replies

stuckstucknamechangestuck · 12/09/2022 23:21

Currently in a great relationship - we get on brilliantly, good chemistry, good communication and in many ways a much better fit for each other than our exes (we're both divorced from previously emotionally abusive partners). She's kind, funny, caring and the sex is great!

There's just one tiny thing that's causing me anxiety: she has a particular "type" that gets her going - basically strong, broad-shouldered and chested. Not "alpha" or aggressive in attitude, but still able to be quite rough with her in bed, pick her up, toss her around, etc.

This is not me.

Don't get me wrong, I do keep fit and am quite strong for my build, so can manage a bit of "manhandling" (as it were). But I'm never going to be the Rugby-build/wrestler/lumberjack kind of guy she fantasises about. I'm lean and wiry and a geek. I'm David Tennant, not The Rock.

She tells me she's happy with me as I am, however I see people on this thread put so much stock in having a "type". So the fact I'm not hers, I worry it might become more of a thing once the initial honeymoon period wears off. She could definitely find a guy who maybe had my good personality qualities but matched this physical "type" better if she tried, I'm sure. I worry that, although our sex life is good and varied, she's actually achieving orgasm by closing her eyes and picturing someone more like her "type" doing it with her. Previous partners have always kind-of been into what I'm like. This is the first time I've been with someone where its almost as if they're with me despite my physical "type" rather than, at least in part, because of it. And yet, we both say its possibly the best relationship either of us have had.

Do you think I've reason to be anxious?

OP posts:
Cherchezlaspice · 12/09/2022 23:29

she has a particular "type" that gets her going - basically strong, broad-shouldered and chested. Not "alpha" or aggressive in attitude, but still able to be quite rough with her in bed, pick her up, toss her around, etc

Did she tell you this?

I worry that, although our sex life is good and varied, she's actually achieving orgasm by closing her eyes and picturing someone more like her "type" doing it with her

That is an extremely strange and thoroughly unhealthy thought process.

Original poster
stuckstucknamechangestuck · 12/09/2022 23:31

Did she tell you this?

Yes.

OP posts:
Cherchezlaspice · 12/09/2022 23:38

Your girlfriend told you that ‘she has a particular "type" that gets her going - basically strong, broad-shouldered and chested. Not "alpha" or aggressive in attitude, but still able to be quite rough with her in bed, pick her up, toss her around’.

She said those actual words to you? In what context, please?

Original poster
stuckstucknamechangestuck · 13/09/2022 00:00

She said those actual words to you?

Not verbatim, obviously. But most of those words, yes, arranged in sentance(s) that amount to much the same.

In what context, please?

When first discussing what we like in bed, what turns us on, etc.

OP posts:
Iamthewalnut · 13/09/2022 00:04

There's having a physical type and then there's having chemistry with someone, which
in my experience isn't always the same thing.

My husband could be described as a lean, wiry geek. Never in a million years did I think geek was my type, but the chemistry between us was off the chart and I'm still ridiculously attracted to him over a decade on. I find him attractive because of the way he smells, his mannerisms, his voice, his emotional intelligence and how he treats me with the utmost respect. All that is way sexier than a superficial attraction to a certain 'type'.

GreyCarpet · 13/09/2022 01:31

No one here can answer this for you, unfortunately.

You will get lots of people answering based on their own preference - I, for example, don't have a physical type - but I have a friend who also has a very definite physical type and she won't date outside of that.

If a physical type is important to someone, then it's important but you could see it that her feelings for you surpass all of that.

Or talk to her.

Opentooffers · 13/09/2022 04:55

When discussing what you like in bed, it usually means what acts that the other person is capable of. You don't then go on to describe a totally different person. It's strange that anyone would, and particularly daft to tell someone that they are not your type. Some things are best kept to yourself.
Having said that, you sound quite anxious and paranoid and are imagining scenarios in your head that you can't possibly know are true.
You are the kind of guy that a woman should avoid talking of past events with, so don't ask about her past either, I doubt you can handle it, but she might just be daft enough to give you details, then your mind will run riot and you'll hold it against her.

BritInAus · 13/09/2022 05:09

If you'd asked me two years ago about my type, it would be the exact opposite to my now partner who is the love of my life and I have the most amazing chemistry with. Please don't worry or let your anxiety about this ruin a good thing.

Fingernails4Cash · 13/09/2022 05:17

Don't let your insecurities get in the way of what sounds like a loving and fulfilling relationship. Talk to her by all means. But if you're the kind of person who can't believe when something seems so good and is looking for the catch then this could become more of a problem than the issue of her fantasy 'type'. She has chosen you. She's with you.

PinkButtercups · 13/09/2022 05:40

Everyone could answer this differently and no one has the answer for you.

You sound insecure so talk to your partner about your worries.

For me personally, no, I wouldn't go for someone that isn't my type as I wouldn't have sex with someone that isn't my type either.

botleybump · 13/09/2022 05:52

Wanted to drop in and say that I've never had a successful relationship with 'my type', my happiest and most worthwhile relationships (including present) have been with those who deviated from such.

So much so that I've found myself liking different things about their physicality - often the things that make the different to the type!

When we have a true connection with somebody, the physical tickboxes seem to matter a lot less. I'd take it as a good sign.

I've certainly never closed my eyes and pictured anybody else. If anything, I'm more likely to crave eye contact.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/09/2022 07:06

I get anxious like this too

your going to have to talk to her

it’s a very self destructive thing , and a low self esteem thing
but it’s really hurts you
so it’s a combo of discussion and some mental training

Jota67 · 13/09/2022 07:27

Now ... none!
When I was using the apps I used to go for a particular type .
Then I met my partner who is nothing like that type ...much more of a funny , cheeky guy. Not tall and more well groomed than the previous cavemen.
Alll his exes were very petite and I was first curvy woman for him too so we both went for a different type than usual as we got on so well and chemistry is amazing.

So I think type is forgotten completely when you meet the right person.

Antarcticant · 13/09/2022 07:49

None at all - I can find myself attracted to a wide variety of people. It's a waste of time in any case being too swayed by looks, as it's no use fancying someone physically if you have nothing in common with them in terms of outlook/interests etc. (assuming it is a relationship you want, not just sex),

Cherchezlaspice · 13/09/2022 08:24

Opentooffers · 13/09/2022 04:55

When discussing what you like in bed, it usually means what acts that the other person is capable of. You don't then go on to describe a totally different person. It's strange that anyone would, and particularly daft to tell someone that they are not your type. Some things are best kept to yourself.
Having said that, you sound quite anxious and paranoid and are imagining scenarios in your head that you can't possibly know are true.
You are the kind of guy that a woman should avoid talking of past events with, so don't ask about her past either, I doubt you can handle it, but she might just be daft enough to give you details, then your mind will run riot and you'll hold it against her.

All of these things.

Cherchezlaspice · 13/09/2022 08:28

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/09/2022 07:06

I get anxious like this too

your going to have to talk to her

it’s a very self destructive thing , and a low self esteem thing
but it’s really hurts you
so it’s a combo of discussion and some mental training

If I was in a new relationship, I would immediately dump anyone who told me that although our sex life was good and varied, he was worried I was achieving orgasm by closing my eyes and picturing someone more like my "type" doing it with me.

NC499 · 13/09/2022 08:33

I was reading your OP and I thought it was about the "type" question....

But your partner is only achieving orgasm by imagining sex with someone else? And you know this because she told you this? And you know this is happening as it happens? That doesn't sound sustainable or healthy. Plenty of people would fuck David Tennant and keep their eyes open. Maybe you would be better suited to one of those people.

CatchersAndDreams · 13/09/2022 08:33

Attraction is weid OP.

my exh wasn't my physical type but he knew exactly how to touch me and his build didn't then matter. I loved his nose, he hated his roman/Arabic nose that curved under.

Don't stress about it. Remember it's your job to reassure yourself that you are enough as nothing kills attraction more than insecurity.

Cherchezlaspice · 13/09/2022 08:38

@NC499 The bit about her type, she (allegedly) told him. The bit about her fantasising about others when they have sex, she didn’t. That appears to be his paranoia speaking.

deedledeedledum · 13/09/2022 08:38

I was going to say all sorts of things to the effect of 'stop over worrying' until I got to the point of her actively picturing other men to achieve orgasm. In the honeymoon period. This ain't great

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 13/09/2022 08:39

she's actually achieving orgasm by closing her eyes and picturing someone more like her "type" doing it with her.
has she actually said this ^^, or are you just thinking it,?
if someone said this to me I would dump her pronto.

bigbloom · 13/09/2022 08:40

It's normal to worry about these things. I definitely would not date someone who had a strong type that didn't align with me.

However, our type can change. My type is whatever man I'm with, whether chubby, slim or stocky, first and foremost. For me, I definitely not looking at other men even if the man who I'm with deviates from my 'ideal'.

You have nothing to worry about, and you have a great relationship, don't let your intrusive thoughts mess with your happiness.

NC499 · 13/09/2022 08:44

Cherchezlaspice · 13/09/2022 08:38

@NC499 The bit about her type, she (allegedly) told him. The bit about her fantasising about others when they have sex, she didn’t. That appears to be his paranoia speaking.

Oh right, I see that now. Thank you!

gannett · 13/09/2022 08:57

OP, you're overthinking to the extent that I wonder whether you've had previous issues with anxiety.

Most people have a default "type" but it's just that, a default - it's not a rigid limit about what we can be attracted to.

Original poster
stuckstucknamechangestuck · 15/09/2022 12:03

Cherchezlaspice · 13/09/2022 08:38

@NC499 The bit about her type, she (allegedly) told him. The bit about her fantasising about others when they have sex, she didn’t. That appears to be his paranoia speaking.

Just to clear up the “allegedly”…

The situation was this: I was complementary about her bum. She responded that she liked my chest, but she was especially loved “broad shoulders and strong arms” in a man. I’m fairly happy with my build, and she knows that - but she’s also aware that “broad shouldered and strong armed (at least in appearance for the latter) is what I’m not. She hastily added a bit later that she reckoned I was strong for my build as I could pick her up, even if I didn’t look it.

When talking about things we’d like to do in bed, she said she liked to (to quote) “manhandled”. The term “tossed around” was used verbatim.

The celebrity crushes of hers I know of are all “built” guys.

Is it really unreasonable to draw the “type” conclusion putting all of the above together?

Thanks everyone who suggested I’m overthinking it though and that having a “type” doesn’t mean you can’t still be attracted and have a good, long relationship with someone who doesn’t fit that.

OP posts: