TRIGGER WARNING - Suicide.
I've name changed for this as the details are outing. Apologies in advance for the anticipated length of this post. I need to give the full context so that hopefully I can get some good advice.
I have recently left an abusive marriage. My exDH was coercively controlling but it was very subtle. I barely noticed that almost everything about our life together catered to his needs. I'm a born people pleaser (working hard to change that) and I wanted him to be happy.
I am not from the UK and all of my family live in a nearby country. My family have had significant traumatic events over the past five years. My twin brother has severe mental health needs and is an addict. [Redacted by MNHQ] Our twin bond is very strong and I can always sense when he is in crisis. Twice in the past five years I had dreams of him in his coffin and both times he was involved in serious car accidents a week or so later and ended up in ICU. On both of these occasions my mental health dipped and I experienced suicidal ideation - it was almost like I could sense or feel his suicidal thoughts. On both occasions I accessed relevant support from Mental Health professionals.
My DH is originally from London and very much wanted to settle near his family. He's never been career minded so I took on the responsibility and pressure of setting up my own business so that we could reach the income threshold to be able to purchase a property here. Having lived in many grotty shared houses (one with a mice infestation) I craved the security of my own home and was willing to work as hard as necessary to attain it. I worked 80 hour weeks to set this up and never took a break. Through blood , sweat and tears I was able to raise almost £50k for a house deposit. DH had not saved this much. His wealthy parents originally gave him £15k towards a house deposit and when he needed more money, they offered a further £30k as a "wedding gift". The £30k "wedding gift" did not go into a shared pot, leaving us to split the remainder of the deposit between us. DH took all the money given by his parents and used it for his half of the deposit and we contributed 50/50. I didn't have an issue with this at the time, as I'm very independent, however, looking back it set a precedent where he expected support from his parents to only benefit him. He was quite happy to funnel enormous pressure onto me (despite whatever else might have been happening in my family life) as long as his life remained easy. In addition to working longer hours , I did most of the house work.
Despite the inequity in our lives (he had ample time with family, friends and lots of time for hobbies including a season ticket to chelsea - I worked night and day and rarely had any time for hobbies or with my family in my home country) we were actually fairly happy, right up until we had a baby. My wonderful DD arrived a year ago and I simply adore her. However, following her arrival my DH changed into a person I no longer recognised. He became irate, aggressive and emotionally abusive. When I was upset , because I never really had a maternity leave (being self employed I could never switch off) he began to invalidate all of my thoughts and feelings and gaslight me. He had never had to tolerate/ combat adversity before or give up things he enjoyed (like weekly trips to Stamford Bridge). He was ill equipped to manage the changes that parenthood brought to our lives. He stopped providing any support and was irritated if I asked for help.
Matters came to a head in mid August. I had been managing my DD without any support through the previous month, dealing with teething, heatwaves and a horrendous stomach bug. I was over extended, over burdened and exhausted. Nevertheless, I planned as many playdates as possible for my DD (she's a little extrovert). I set up paddling pools and parasols to help keep her cool and we had lots of walks / picnics in the park. When I asked my DH to manage bedtimes so that I could have an hour or two to unwind in the evening he said "you sleep when she sleeps". I had been completing a Resilience Group with the Perinatal Team and was beginning to set boundaries and ask for more help. I put my foot down and insisted he manage bedtime by himself and begin to share the nights (as she was waking a lot while teething). He grudgingly did so but it brought about a change in his mood and demeanour. He was not used to his leisure time being interrupted.
Then in mid August I woke at 4am following 3 deeply distressing dreams where my twin brother was dead. I couldn't get back to sleep. I was too anxious, concerned for my DB's wellbeing and distressed. I went downstairs to make poached eggs (an attempt at self care) and DH came down at 7am to get ready for work. I was exhausted and quite irate. He had needed my help getting DD to sleep the night before and I had had no break. I had made sure he had met his friends the Thursday night before and he had been at Chelsea the Sunday before. I told him that he would need to manage bedtime by himself that night and take DD out for 4-5 hours at the weekend so that I could have a break. He stone-walled me and didn't speak to me all day. He delayed coming home from work by over an hour. By then I had had enough. When he got home I walked out. I also made the fatal error of messaging his mother (who I had always tried to build a positive relationship with , sending her care packages, photos of DD, lavish Xmas gifts etc) and telling her I was walking out as I had had enough.
That was my big mistake. ExDH was incensed. Not just at me walking out but at me messaging his mother. How his parents perceived him mattered more to him than our marriage or my mental health. I had had very little sleep and was exhausted. I was deeply distressed , concerned about my brother and feeling entirely unsupported in my marriage. I sent a message that was very distressed and almost suicidal. I was just crying out for some kindness and compassion. ExDH had already launched his smear campaign against me. He was cold and indifferent in any messages to me but phoned the police, reported me as missing and unstable and gave his mother a false sob story that he had been dealing with an unstable wife for a year. This was simply not true. I always masked my emotions around him and put on a happy face, I always hyper functioned and took wonderful care of my daughter, ran a business, kept my house clean and tidy and also arranged for a handyman to complete DIY tasks such as assembling furniture or painting the deck as DH didn't like these jobs. The unfairness of his account caused me to despair.
The reaction from him and his family pushed me over the edge. I ordered a great number of gifts for my DD, (baby dolls right up to Chloe bags) for birthdays throughout her childhood.
[Redacted by MNHQ] Whilst there I realised my marriage was abusive and it was over. I came to terms with this and was filled with determination to create a wonderful new life for my DD. My exDH left our home and went to stay in his parents large home. My mother flew to the UK to be with me and has been here ever since. When I got home, exDH had turned all the photographs of me down on the mantlepiece. I was also removed from the apple family album for his newborn niece before I even got home. He wanted to take my beloved cats with him to his parents house (despite the fact that MIL has never had a pet and doesn't approve). Luckily my mother prevented him from doing this. She also heard him on the phone to professionals at the mental health unit, trying to convince them to commit me, not allow me to leave, pretending to be a concerned husband, whilst being threatening and indifferent towards me.
All of these jabs actually helped me. Instead of feeling despair I became angry and filled with a strong resolve and motivation not to let his family get away with treating me in this way. I was discarded and persecuted. All for the crime of no longer being able to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders alone. I had spent the previous 5 years being so kind and considerate towards his family. He made us enemies. It wasn't necessary. We could have simply ended the marriage and gone our separate ways but he continued his smear campaign. I'm not sure what his motives were for this. I think it was partly that he had wanted to walk out on his short marriage by last February. His parents are staunchly catholic and would not have taken kindly to him walking out on his wife and young DD. He had to make me the villain to get them 100% on his side. No matter how untrue his accusations (he used my family history against me to call me an alcoholic without any evidence other than that I drank before taking the overdose - it's simply not true). Another motivation for the smear campaign may have been that he didn't want me to be given permission to take my daughter back to my home country and wanted to keep me isolated.
Remarkably, since I accepted the marriage is over I have been thriving. I am going from strength to strength with my mother's nurturing presence / support and no longer having the weight of the world on my shoulders. We share custody and I adore and cherish every second I have with my DD. I just planned an incredible first birthday for her and invited my exDH and his family and smiled with them through gritted teeth throughout for my DD's benefit. Other family members have also visited and I feel nurtured and supported for the first time in a long time.
On the advice of professionals I sought advice from Womansaid. I filed a police report to record the emotional abuse . I completed a detailed psychiatric assessment with the consultant psychiatrist on the perinatal team and she said there was no evidence of Mental Health Disorder or need for mediation. I had simply been unsupported for too long and in desperate need of a brief respite. I've been doing therapy, CBT and journaling my feelings daily. I was signed off from the perinatal team with a very positive report. I've returned to work and I've been doing very well. On the advice of the police, psychiatrist and the social worker on the perinatal team i've limited contact with exDH and the grey rock method is working well.
Despite all this progress I hit a snag today. Social services have been involved since my crisis and I agreed to a safety plan that says that my mum must be here while I'm with DD. I agreed to this as DD's safety is paramount. However, 3 weeks later my Mental Health is improving so much that I felt it was time for this to be reviewed. The Social Worker said that I should 'contact DH to come to a new arrangement'. I was apprehensive about this as I expected him to make my life difficult. He did exactly that. The Social Worker does not appear to have rad the report from the consultant psychiatrist, she has not arranged a meeting to evaluate my family support. I gave her email addresses for my family members 10 days ago. She has not contacted them. Today she said that she felt my mother "minimised my crisis" - when the reality was that my Mum could see how much happier I was away from DH and that I was thriving, The Social worker seems to have been taken in by DH's charm and embellished story and I'm deeply concerned that she's ignoring the views of all the objective professionals I've been working with. I don't feel that she listens to me at all. I feel that she is enabling DH to continue to bait, emotionally abuse and control me. She has acknowledged that there is no evidence I can't care for my daughter but also seems to tell DH what he wants to hear. She is quite young and not all that experienced.
He's insisting on someone from my family being with me whilst I'm with my daughter at all times (when before our looming separation he always said I was a wonderful mother). I feel he's trying to bait me, and funnel pressure onto me, my mother and my family (making them fly here for weeks/ months at a time without showing any consideration to the fact that they have their own lives to lead) and hoping I'll crack again. I most certainly won't. He fails to register the fact that I wouldn't be so isolated here if he hadn't ensured I was ostracised and disgarded from his family.
I would appreciate any advice on how to proceed. I have asked to speak to the Social Workers manager and whilst I don't want to complain about her efforts, I do feel that some things could have been handled better. I've returned to limiting contact with DH. I set up a communication book weeks ago to record DD's meals, naps etc so we can all remain in the loop. Sorry for the length of this post and thanks in advance for any help.