Husband left

[Stressedout2101]

Hi all . Long time lurker first time poster I have children aged 15 and 10 been married nearly 20 years husband been acting strange last two months low and behold that old chestnut found out he has a girlfriend who he has moved in with . My kids breaking their hearts missing their dad . I am so lucky have a really supportive family .
I feel broken I know I will be okay one day
I feel even more awful for my children
he hasn’t been in touch with them for over 7 days from seeing them daily their whole life to now radio silence .
really need some peace I am trying to sort myself to be good for my kids I suppose this is just a thread to try and get it off my chest . I do not know this man he is a stranger he was my best friend
I will never take him back
for the past two months ( now it makes sense ) going out with friends change in behaviour I am so stupid as I didn’t think it was someone else I didn’t think he was that type stupid me
any tips on handling my babies I have told them both this is permanent but mum and dad love you I explained it’s dad and mum fault and we just want everyone to be happy and although we are sad now we will all be happy soon .. I didn’t mention the bit on the side all advise welcome I am just taking it day at a time all brand new I am feeling all kind of emotions sad angry disappointed broke. But I am really trying to stay strong from my children

I’m so sorry, can imagine the three of you are shocked. I think you’re doing all you can, reassuring the children that they’re both loved. Personally I’d tell them where dad has gone so they don’t think he’s disappeared or missing but it’s got to be your call.

If they are 15 and 10 I would tell them the truth - just be very matter of fact, nothing malicious - or speak to your ex and tell them he needs to have an honest conversation with them and tell them where he's been. Why should you have to lie and implicate yourself to cover him? They're old enough to know IMO.

Im so sorry you're going through this - it's awful. Hold onto that anger and don't take him back - he will inevitably come crawling when the excitement has worn off, they always do.

Please be steadfast as I've seen and heard of several women and men that say they'd never take them back but they do.
Tell the kids the truth.
Don't slag off the deceiver but tell the kids how your heart had been broken by their day - your husband and your best friend.

You may meet someone else one day but don't fall for the first one within 12 months. The best type of man you could meet is one that has been deceived like you have as often and I may be wrong when those that are victims of love cheats rarely will cheat on their OH as they know what it feels like.

Time will heal, trust me. Never blame yourself!

I'd be telling the 15 year old the truth to be honest - no way would I be sugar coating what their dad has done

OP - at 15 and 10 You do absolutely not need to implicate yourself in discussion about what happened.
In the nicest way possible you can tell them that “daddy” has a new home with someone else and that, at some point he will explain to them why that’s happened. You can say you will support them and do that. Help them to not dwell on it and let it dominate their thoughts.
Dont let them think you did this to them: I say that because you might think that’s helpful but it is actually very destabilising because how are they going to know who to trust?
They aren’t stupid.
Perhaps say you are very upset but will get through it, you will, together.
And try to have fun together.
Have you any support from friends or relatives or online groups or GP or counsellor?

You could be me except the ages of the children, mine are older. They know the truth, I wasn’t hiding that from them nor was I taking the responsibility for his pathetic midlife crisis.
my kids have been remarkably resilient and have been awesome, I’m not slagging their dad off to them, being very civil, and I’m promoting contact if/when they want it. Mine are old enough that they can decide their own contact which makes it easier.

It’s shit though and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it too, I thought we were happy and he imploded my whole world.

I disagree with the comments above. Explaining that "daddy has a new home" is awful. Your kids may think that means he's moved on quickly and wonder whether that means they were ever loved etc.

I would probably just say something like "this isn't a reflection on you. He adores you. But sadly daddy has fallen out of love with mummy, that happens sometimes. And I can see now that the relationship between me and your dad probably wasn't the best it could have been. I know that I'll be happy soon, and I hope you stay happy as we both love you so much and once things have settled you'll see that you still have a home with each of us, it just may be seperate".

They will soon find out about the OW.

But it's not really what you say, it's what happens over the coming months. Show strength, love and openness. Don't be afraid to ask how they're feeling. To express vulnerability and allow them to express it to. Be there for them. Be as happy as you can be. When they see a happy you, they'll realise it's ok.

Also definitely encourage a relationship between them. You shouldn't have to prompt him, but for your kids sake I would for a while.

All the best, you sound amazingly strong

I somewhat agree with PPs but I don't think you need to tell them right now (unless they are blaming you, of course) because if they are already devastated and not seen him then they are going to think their Dad has dumped them for another woman...I know that this is the case at the moment with the 7 days but it's about THEIR feelings just now, not protecting him.

I would tell him he needs to speak to the children about it, give him a time-frame and that if he doesn't do it, you will.

He perhaps thinks you've already told them and is being a coward and hiding. That is NOT me caring anything about your cheating ex btw! (Before I'm flamed) Only trying to give a measured view so that the children's feelings are coming first because there is a very high chance hearing it right now from you while he is AWOL will end up in them hating him. It may be what he deserves but not what they deserve.

Give him the chance to do the right thing and they can make their own minds up. If he doesn't, you can't and shouldn't keep his dirty secret.

He is an arsehole and you are a dignified lady

Thankyou his phone is off I can’t imagine having a conversation with him at this point I have told them it’s permanent now but not about his bit on the side

It’s the shock isn’t it
I honestly feel like I am in a night mare and will wake up anytime I hope you are healing and glad your children are doing well

Thankyou all for your replies I am trying to stay strong I have spoken to the children and reminded them of the important adults ( grandparents and aunts and uncles ) they have if they want to talk and don’t want to talk to me . I hope they do talk to me but I wanted to remind them . Today I spent the day telling the rest of my close family
I am still devastated can’t eat but I know I will be okay . His family are also being supportive . I really feel so shocked I want them to have their dad and I will slag him off but not to them I do not want to hurt them more than they already are. I would never do that honestly he has always been a good dad even when we have had minor issues in the past . I will never take him back I can’t trust him and that’s a foundation . I can not have contact with him unless I Rock up to her house .. his phone off .
I don’t want to know anything more about them how long who she is I honestly don’t want to know I just want to get out this rut Thankyou for all your advice I needed it I do have family and friends and they have been great honestly I just want to make sure their advice isn’t bias as I can’t trust my own feelings right now honestly I am a hot mess . But you know what as common as it sounds I have for the past 17 years been faithful been honest and supported him to my fullest and although I wish him well only for my kids benefit I hope he realises what he has chosen to ruin and I hope he feels how I feel now . This man was my first relationship we were late teens when we met and I just have to learn to be alone now and that’s tough as I did think we would be able to do anything get over anything I never for a moment thought he would treat me and his children this way . I do hope he remembers he is a father and helps his children come through this as I want to do it the easiest way for them .
if he doesn’t I can’t even imagine but I know we will get there . Again Thankyou for your help and support I just need to focus on healing my heart and helping my children get through this .

He's had time to sort this so do what you can in terms of obtaining financial information, assets and seeking advice. He's proven he has no regard for you or your babies.

Make the phone call to child support as well, if he won't speak to them he can definitely pay his due.

Coward.

Kudos to you for putting them first, but you don't owe him kindness right now.

I'm going through the exact same and also have children aged 15 and 10. My husband left in April, he sat our DD's down, coldly told them he'd met someone else and left. Our 15 year old has refused to see him, she told him if he stayed with the OW she wanted nothing to do with him, he has so she has cut all contact. He's sent a few texts but made no real effort with her. He was an amazing dad and husband up to doing this.

He sees our youngest but that was instigated by me after he didn't arrange anything. She is seeing him less and less, partly as he's crap and has frequently ditched her to do his own thing and he prioritises the OW over her. Partly because she is becoming angrier with him as time goes on.

We were all completely blindsided by what he's done. We genuinely seemed happy, we had a pretty much perfect life and he's just torn it apart.

I didn't take any of the blame or cover up what he's done. MI couldn't have anyway as it turned out quite a few people were aware of the affair. The OW lives a 5 minute walk away and "DH" is staying there so my children would have found out.

Sending hugs as I know exactly how you're feeling and it's horrendous. Honestly the worst thing I've ever been through. I've lost 2 stone (wasn't overweight to start with), have been having counselling and had to get sleeping pills from my GP.

I feel for you OP. As someone who was cheated on I know the pain you are going through. I know how difficult it is to get through every day and to try and keep a routine for the kids. My dd was 10 when her dad's cheating blew up in his face when I caught him.

But I was also a teen when my dad spoke to me one day out of the blue and told me he was leaving my mum. I was so shocked. He said there was no one else but of course there was. After that day I never saw or heard a thing from him for 5 weeks and had to watch my mum crumble. It affected me badly at school.

My only advice would be not to keep things from your kids, especially the eldest. You can say he has left for another woman as that is the truth. As a teen I would have handled things much better if I had known the truth early on.

It is his job to speak to his kids about his new life and his relationship with his kids moving forwards. You can reassure them he still loves them but be honest about the facts.

Just look after yourself try and drink and eat a little. I lost a lot of weigh too and had to have weeks off work. Just focus on you getting through one day at a time and keeping the kids routine, that's what gives them their feeling of safety.

I'm 2 years on my dd does not want to see her dad. I respect her decision now but hope she will have a relationship with him in the future. As a teen I didn't want a relationship with my dad either after it happened but years later it did improve.

He alone is responsible for his actions and his relationship with his kids. Don't excuse it to them but you can say that you hope he speaks to them soon and they can write to him with letters to a family members address possibly

I’m so sorry, what an awful shock.

I am a huge advocate for age appropriate honesty. We should not try to cover up things and sugar coat for our children. They deserve the truth of their lives as everyone does. Tell them Daddy has met another woman and moved in with her. That you are extremely sad but you love them and are there to support them in any way they need. Then let him do his bit.

Also get yourself a copy of ‘leave a cheater, gain a life’ it helps so many women find their inner strength to move on from these nasty men.

You deserve better after 20 years, he’s disgusting!