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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Struggling with my 2 yr old birthday and absent father

2 replies

cleanbreak2022 · 12/09/2022 15:23

Hey everyone,

I'm just needing a little vent and pick me up.

My daughter turns 2 on Wednesday (I have a 8yr old boy also). Their father left us two weeks before Christmas and then has subjected us to the year from hell. (Arrests, social services, lack of engagement, letting kids down etc). This is a life I never envisaged for us.

For reasons including the above and many more, I emailed my ex and told him I would be stopping contact as he is emotionally abusing my 8yr old. My 8 yr old has been in therapy and SS advised me to stop contact and let my ex make moves for access via court. I was happy for written contact and FaceTime but given the time elapsed for my baby, he is now a stranger.

This hasn't been difficult to do as my ex totally disengaged from the children and apart from 2 hours on my sons birthday in July, hasn't enquired after them since June. He hasn't asked to see them or asked after their well being. My son is having a very difficult time processing everything that has gone on and is currently receiving therapy to help.

I'm feeling really sad today, my daughter turns 2 on Wednesday and I'm remembering her first birthday. All of us together, a unit. All of our family in the garden having a party. All happy, laughter, smiles and love.

My heart is breaking for my kids, their dad has cut them off and it f**king hurts like hell. How can you switch off from two beautiful, funny, loving children. Just turn your back like they didn't exist. HOW? I love my kids from the very depths of my soul and I can't comprehend what has happened.

He is now in an (abusive) relationship so I can't let the children be exposed to that. I could invite him to see the children, but then I don't know if he will be consistent. He hasn't been since he left. I desperately want to make my son happy, but in doing so I could bring more heartache.

I just want to know, this won't scar them for life, that they will be happy and stable

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 12/09/2022 16:01

I'm sorry op, this sounds very hard for you.

I think given what social services have advised, you should not offer him contact and let him apply via court if he wants to.

It is hard to see your children hurting, but contact with him will harm them further as the situation now stands. You cannot fix him or wish him into a better man. Right now your job as a mum is damage limitation.

Make your dd's birthday a happy and positive day for her and for her brother. Can you get him involved in planning things, to help him see that the three of you can be a happy family together, without the father?

cleanbreak2022 · 12/09/2022 17:29

Thank you.

Yes he has been helping, I've had him blowing up balloons and all sorts and he seemed to enjoy it. He asks if I need help, he really is a delight.

I feel like he has such young shoulders carrying a burden of his father walking away. No child should feel unwanted. My heart is broken for him and my daughter. I look in there beautiful faces and I just want to take them and run away from this ugliness that their father has brought to their lives

OP posts:
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