Worried about my friend

[Wispywillowwind]

I am so worried about my friend and I’ve bit my tongue for so long it’s getting harder to keep quiet and I’m really just looking for some advice as to what to say (if anything at all).

My friend had an affair with a man from her work, this started mid 2020, both were married. The man’s wife caught them in 2021, the man’s wife told my friends husband and they subsequently broke up.
My friend was really happy they had been caught so they could start a proper relationship.

I knew of the affair and advised her not to see this OM, if she was unhappy in her relationship she should speak to her husband to either work on her marriage or leave him and see what she wanted. My friend lost a baby at the beginning of 2020 (her husbands baby), she was devastated and I was worried about her mental health.

Anyway, she and this man continued seeing each other she moved into a new property in February this year, he met her 6 year old daughter and a couple of months after that he moved in with her. I think she has made a massive mistake here.

im so worried about her, this has all moved so fast, there are so many red flags about this relationship but she is so happy, I’ve never seen her so happy, the OM seems nice enough but I’m wary of him.
He was married for over 30 years, has adult/teenage kids whom he now hardly sees As “apparently” his wife has turned them against him!
He treats my friend brilliantly is so loving towards her, brings her flowers, he really does treat her like a princess, but I can’t help the alarm bells ringing in my head.
He is also 15 years older than my friend, she is 38 and he is 53. Personally I think this age gap is too big (just my opinion)

my friend has told me things he has said about his marriage to his wife, and things about her and they aren’t very nice, this also rings alarm bells. My friend isn’t very complimentary about his wife either although she doesn’t know her, has never met her. She feels she shouldn’t have said anything to my friends husband as it wasn’t her place.

should I just keep quiet and be there for her if the shit hits the fan or should I say something? Any advice would be greatly welcome as I’m just worried about my friend.

Mind your own business as they are consenting adults.

I think you need to mind your own business in this. What red flags do you mean? The age gap isn’t massive at their ages. They have been dating essentially for 2 years already, so though the move in together is quick it’s understandable.

Keep quiet. I thought you were going to say she is being abused in some way. This really is none of your business I am afraid

I think you just need to be there for her as a friend but let her live her life. You told her to be honest with her husband and she didn’t want to. Now she is happy, she wants to be with him.
She will obviously not be complimentary about his ex wife as he would have told her things to tarnish her. Also lots of people are not complimentary about their partners ex so this is fairly common.
You don’t know what’s happening with him and his ex. His children may need time and not want to see him right now. You are only getting the story so don’t really know what’s going on as you are not privy to their real conversations.
Friends moan about their partners all the time, they want to rant about the annoying things and it can make partners look bad but it might also be one tiny thing that they have over inflated.

Be her friend and support her. She knows you were not happy about the affair but it’s her life and she will do as she pleases. If she tells you something that is genuinely worrying and you’re concerned about her safety then of course step in but for now just be there for her.

MYOB OP🙂

What I’m meaning is he met her daughter she is 5 and a couple of months later he moved in with her.

I’m worried about her because she lost her baby at the beginning of 2020, her mental health was really really bad, she was getting counselling, was on antidepressants then within 6 months she started this relationship with this man.

I will of course support her, I’m just worried about her that’s all.

Sorry, her daughter is 6 (slip of the finger)

What can you possibly do or say to change this situation? Although far from ideal (!) it is what it is, and on the face of it she is now living with a man who is treating her well.

He might be pretending. He might be a bad 'un. But he might not. This relationship might have started in a bad way but could turn out to be a good relationship.

The age gap isn't a big deal at that age.

I think you're absolutely right to be concerned and I can see the red flags flying from here. But (unfortunately) I don't think there's an awful lot you can do about it. I think you just have to hold your nose and outwardly approve him, in order to keep the lines of communication open with your friend. It's tough to do.

Nah your friend is a big girl. She has made her own choices. She needs to live with it.