Friend seeks out abusers over and over

[savethebeesandthecees]

My friend has been in two long term relationships, both underpinned by domestic abuse. It took her 15 years to leave the last one.

She's now met someone new. He seems nice enough but already there are hints of controlling behaviour. I've tried to gently advise counselling to heal more before another relationship but she's not interested.

Any advice on what I should do? Or should I stay out of it?

I don't understand why she seems to be attracted to the same type again and again. Or is it a coincidence?

She’s not. They’re attracted to her.

Narcissist and bullies groom their victims to behave a certain way and the rest of the pack sniff it out.

Read up on it. It’s terrifying.

She is vulnerable & abusers can sense that. Once someone has been a victim of DV, it's not uncommon for it to be a recurring pattern.

Your tone sounds a bit exasperated as if you think she's bringing this on herself and actively choosing abusive partners?

All you can do is advise her to take necessary precautions, be there for her - don't alienate her.

Oh wow. That never even occurred to me.

It's a fair comment. I am getting exasperated. I think I need to read up more on this.

So no women ever gravitate toward people who aren't good for them?

In addition to them gravitating towards her, we are also likely to go for relationships that feel “familiar” to us and often mirror the kind of relationships we had with caregivers in early childhood. If one of her parents were abusive, there is a chance that she goes for these kind of relationships because that is what she knows/expects/ and because she has such low self-esteem and self-worth, she comes to expect to be treated like this by people.

it’s really sad that she won’t go for therapy to help her with this problems because the cycles will just keep repeating but you cannot force someone even if you know it will help them. They have to want it themselves!

Abusers aren't equipped with a 'victim radar', that's ridiculous. They try it on everybody they start relationships with. It's not some kind of 'sense' they have.

Simply put, people who won't bend to them leave them. Then they move on. And get left and left in short order, until they meet someone like your friend, whose mindset dictates that she bends to the will of her partner, whoever that may be, regardless of her own levels of discomfort. She will stay and stay, and bend more and more, as you've witnessed, when she really ought to walk away because her partner is doing things that don't make her happy.

If you want to help her, all you can do is focus on her happiness. Get her to focus on it. Ask her, when she points out things he's done 'Did it make you happy? Do you want to be happy? Why are you choosing to be with someone who spoils your morning/afternoon/week/life?'

You can't tell her things. But you can encourage her to question her own motives.

Yes this is very true. There are 2 separate dynamics at play. The abuser who pushes boundaries to see how far they can go and the victim who finds these types of relationships familiar. Sadly abusers typically go for really good and caring people who can’t see the bad in others and who give them endless chances to redeem themselves.

Seeks out?

The shark cage might be an interesting angle to read up on.

If anyone else has suggested reading, I'd be very grateful

This really was an eye opener
www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

I think there is an aspect of some women that are searching out abusers because they are going for "types" or traits that they find attractive but are red flags to others.

I have a friend who has dated a string of what are, to my eyes, domineering alpha males who expect her to drop everything in her life to further their careers and persistently negged and criticised her. She sees this as attractive ambition by someone who has their shit together, and wants to "improve" her because he loves her and wants her to be her best self, etc. No surprise, her dad was like this too. When she dated someone who treats her well she thinks he's weak, unambitious, not going anywhere, accepts her for "who she is" so she thinks he's settling etc.

I was like this. As PP said there was familiarity plus I had no self esteem. If a nice man liked me I'd wonder what was wrong with them.

No one was horrible at the start though, lots of love bombing then they'd change and I'd blame myself for not being good enough so I'd try harder and they would respect me even less and treat more badly.

I've had 3 relationships and after each one I got a bit better and more confident in myself. I wish I hadn't wasted so much time on those losers but it was normal to me at the time.

@Oopsilot I've just read your link and the section on 'what gets in the way of building a shark cage?' is absolutely spot on. Ticks across the board.

'Control' by Jane Monckton Smith is an eye opening read about how these relationships work.

Thanks for this, will get it

It’s a combination, she will be attracted to them because it’s what she knows and they will seek her out. That’s why it will be difficult for her to move on to healthy relationships unless she gets therapy

They groom you to tolerate shit. So the next one comes along and they can sense your boundaries are conditioned perfectly to suit them,because they are.

Keep linking her to posts about red flags. Amd YouTube is a great source for learning how to spot narcissists.