Was it abuse?

[SunflowerNative]

I recently told my mum about the time that I was 5 and my 19 year old brother said ‘shall I show you how grown ups kiss?’. I told her how he kissed me on my mouth with tongues. She was furious and very upset. At the time, I thought it was ok and that he was teaching me how to kiss. I told my friends at infant school and they said it was disgusting. I felt so embarrassed because I thought it was ok. My mum told my sister. My sister is really upset about it. She said she sees him in a different light now. My mum hasn’t spoken to my brother for years (over other issues) and I don’t see him either. He used to hold my hand like ‘boys and girlfriends do (his words) and later in life he’s commented on my boobs etc. Having said this, he’s never touched me or done anything sexual. I feel a bit confused. Was it just innocent? Or have I been stupid all these years to think it was ok when it wasn’t? I’m 39 now, he is in his 50’s. Thanks for reading, I hope it makes sense.

I’m sorry this happened to you, but the question you’re asking is bizarre. You’re 39 years old. Do you genuinely think that ‘teaching a 5 year old to kiss’ is okay? Or that men comment on the pubescent sisters’ breasts?

OP, he has done something sexual. What happened when you were 5 was about his sexual needs and was abuse.

Do you have support?

I have literally only started thinking about it recently. This is why it’s confusing, because he made it out like it was fun. He was my brother and at the time I had no reason to think it was anything other than that. Nothing else happened so that’s why it’s hard to think he did it for his own benefit. But now that I’m older, it’s only just made me realise how strange it was. If it was my daughter I’d be absolutely fuming and upset and angry. I know I’m older now but I suppose I needed confirmation that it was wrong. He commented on my boobs on my wedding day, I was 22. But I’m his sister and it made me uncomfortable. I understand why you think I should know it’s abuse considering my age, it’s just a very confusing thing to think about. It’s hard to explain.
Thank you for your reply.

Thank you for your reply.
I’ve told my sister and mum and they are both angry and disgusted but we haven’t spoken more about it. It’s only now I’m thinking about it. I don’t really know how to deal with it.

She doesn't know , she was abused and us confused about it, that's why she's asking.
Victims of abuse are often confused and don't understand it's not 'normal'

Given your brother's age when this happened, I would say that this is abuse. I'm so sorry you went through this

He was an adult, you were a child. Therefore abuse.
His comment on your wedding day also shows his lack of boundaries as it was a totally unacceptable remark.
You did nothing wrong at all, remember that. He was in the wrong — on your wedding day he’d have been late 30s.

Thank you 💕

Thank you for saying this. I feel like I’m going a bit crazy.

I just can’t really get my head around it tbh. I’ve never really talked or thought about it much until a conversation triggered it. The comment when I was older was very uncomfortable. I’d never dream of commenting on my siblings bodies in a sexual way. He doesn’t contact me anymore and there’s no reason for it. He still speaks to my sister and brother. Thank you for your reply. ♥️

I was sexually abused by older my brother when I was about 10 - showing me his bits, asking to see and touch mine - and absolutely no one in real life knows about it, apart from my younger brother who was also in the bedroom at the time (the 3 of us shared a bedroom when living abroad for 18 months). There's only a year gap in age between my older brother and myself.

That above paragraph is the first time I've admitted that it was abuse, even to myself. Up until now I've always just put it down to 'kids being curious' etc but it wasn't, it happened more than once.

I was never close to my older brother after that and I'm now 54 and haven't seen him in nearly 20 years...don't care if I ever see him again. I know my mother thinks it's a shame but as I'm also low contact with her it doesn't come up often. I get on fine with my younger brother but I've never mentioned it to him, and don't intend to because I'm hoping he's forgotten. Neither of us need or deserve further upset.

You haven't been stupid, you've just been confused. I'm sorry to happened to you.

I’m so sorry to read what you went through. It must have also been very confusing. Can you talk to somebody about it? Do you think it would help you at all? I keep using the word ‘confusing’ but it really is, isn’t it?

@SunflowerNative Thank you. I'm bipolar and am also being treated for C-PTSD, so I see a psychologist and psychiatrist every 6 months or so. I've not discussed this with them because I find it very difficult. What made me realise it was abuse was thinking how I would react if someone else told me it had happened to them. I would straight away go to 'you were abused'. The confusion also comes from the fact that it was a family member and it didn't involve penetrative sex. But any unwanted sexual contact is abuse.

Wow, you sound so much like me. I am also bipolar. Type 2. I believe it was triggered by a lot of childhood trauma, all of which I’ve realised these past couple of years. Also, I’m the same in the sense that when my mum asked me ‘what if it was your daughter’, it got me thinking which is why I posted here.
I know it must be so difficult for you to talk about. For many reasons which I understand. If you ever need to talk, you’re welcome to message me.

I’m still struggling with this.

There's a programme on netflix about sexual abuse of kids by priests in Spain. One of the abused boys became a psychologist working for the NHS (CAMHS) and he said it takes an average of 25 years for people to process that they were abused. So it's not at all surprising that you are only now realising what happened.
There's also a film that was on netflix about a man in France who was abused by priests. He was married with 5 kids and it was a comment by a dad at his kids' Catholic school about whether he too was abused at scouts that made him acknowledge the abuse.