I just need a little advice on my situation.. I completely get that it won't be a positive response towards myself and im fully prepared for a grilling! Trust me, i'm well aware that I am in the wrong. Also can I just say as a disclaimer, none of the children involved are aware of any of this and are very happy, healthy and loved children.
I have 3 children, two with a previous partner who was extremely abusive and I had very young, and one with my current partner. We have been together for 4 years. When I was in high school I had a short lived 'first love' relationship with a guy, who ill call 'Josh' for the purpose of this post. Since we have left school and through out the years of our very different lives, Josh and I have always ended up back in contact and this has always been on and off. Josh supported and advised me when I was going through my troubles with my abusive ex. Ex cheated on me religiously, I ended up doing it back as a form of revenge stupidly and I did end up cheating on him with Josh. When we were 18, and I split from my ex, me and Josh had a summer fling. I then cut things off because I knew we were too young for anything to work and I had my children. He was absolutely heart broken, it was a difficult time. Since then, I eventually found my current partner and completed my family with him. He is good to our family and a good partner, but as time has gone on, ive realised i'm not in love with him. I care for him like a best friend. Josh, also moved on with his life and had a child with someone else. That didn't work out, Josh then began a relationship with my neighbour (unknowingly) and now has a second child with her. Through out every relationship we've both had, we have always ended up back in contact. Josh has always been the one to approach me, and I did turn him away when I was in the early years of my current relationship. However, when we hit a rocky patch I ended up being the one to contact Josh. A couple months ago, Josh was telling me how much he wants to be with me and how we will and he plans to leave his relationship. I've explained how we couldn't right now, because of the situations with our children, they need stability and to be prioritised but I hoped one day we would get the chance. He agreed and in the end said he would like to give it a go and see if it works out with his partner and their new baby which I completely respect and I have stepped back. We haven't spoken in a while now.. but it can be really difficult with him living next door. We bump into one another and there's so much eye contact and tension. I find myself constantly thinking about Josh and the situation is really starting to bottle up inside of me. I'm not going out to sabotage anyone's relationship and I will leave things alone, I won't make any contact. I most importantly wouldn't want to cause any grief in the lives of our children who are settled and happy. I know that I need to maintain my relationship and make it work until my children are much older. But I can't help hoping that one day, in years to come, me and Josh could be together. Am I stupid? Could this possible? Has anyone ever been through this kind of thing before?