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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Unsure about my marriage

5 replies

Burlington22 · 11/09/2022 20:20

i don’t really know who to talk to, my friends are all happily married and I just don’t think will understand me. Last year I had suspicions that my husband was messaging someone from work. Anyway to cut a long story short, he was, I confronted him, read the messages. He said it was just texting, nothing more. The message that really got to me was a photo of her in the bath (just her legs). I was devastated. He said our marriage hadn’t been great and he liked the attention and admitted he shouldn’t have done it.
he is right, our marriage wasn’t great, we had both taken on more at work, I’d gone full time and I was pulling away. Im not sure what came first, me pulling away when he tried to be romantic or me finding the messages.
we wanted it to work, he deleted her number etc and told her they couldn’t message anymore. I’ve kept an eye on his phone and he seems to be true to his word. He is trying but I don’t know if I am.
the thing is, I just can’t forget it. It’s in my mind a lot. We rarely have sex and I don’t really want to be intimate. We have two children and I don’t want them to go through our separation. We do get on well, we laugh and joke but it feels like friends.
if you’ve read this then thank you, I don’t even know what I am expecting you to say. Feel quite lost. X

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 11/09/2022 20:43

What do you want for you both to live in a sexless marriage?

For him to beg forgiveness?

Have you talked about both of your neglect of each other?

Can you just not lay all your cards on the table tell him exactly how you feel, where you are, your darkest fears, you inner thoughts and accept by doing this you are taking a chance he will say that your marriage isn't what he wants. Or he might surprise you and it might be the shock, exposure, honesty you both need.

mamamomojojo · 11/09/2022 21:52

Life’s too short to live in a situation like that. You both deserve big love and if you can’t give it to each other better to move on. Bad for kids to see and think tht a bad relationship is normal. They will end up having relationshits like that. To start, try and have the conversation, how you feel, see how he feels. As long as both of you are relatively normal with no personality disorders like narcissist, you should be able to have an honest conversation and come to a sensible conclusion. Don’t stay with someone out of fear of being alone. Better alone than in relationshit. Even if you split up and be amicable and kind to each other and co parent with love and consideration you might be happier. Tho, that said, no relationship is perfect all the time. You’re not giving time to each other. Maybe you don’t forgive him. Maybe counseling before your throw in the towel!

KangarooKenny · 11/09/2022 21:59

You’re too young to stay together for the kids.
You both deserve love and sex. If it’s not going to happen in this relationship, time to move on. I need to fall out.

KangarooKenny · 11/09/2022 21:59
  • no
HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 11/09/2022 22:07

He’s is not happy, you are not happy, you are not having any sex, you don’t want to have sex, why are you still married?

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