How do you talk to your children about their addict other parent?

[Addictforanex]

My ExH is a cocaine addict and alcoholic, and compulsive liar to boot. He has been to rehab 3 times and in and out of recovery for 13 years. He is using drugs and alcohol at the moment and he been for at least a year (as I found out, he was lying about it and swearing blind he was still sober) but managing to somewhat function.

We have a child together who is nearly 11. She was 5 when we separated. DD doesn’t know her dad is an addict or why we divorced (it was because I finally had enough when I called him when I was out of town for work at 9am one day and he was hammered, having just driven DD to school). She obviously sees him in that he is a bit of a physical mess, no friends or new partner, lives is same small unkempt rental property which was meant to be a stop gap until he bought a property with the proceeds of me buying him out of marital home - all that money has long gone up his nose, she sees that he doesn’t look after himself, eat well, exercise and is always totally broke despite working etc. I think she now needs to be told an age appropriate version of the truth - he constantly lies to her about why he can’t see her, why he has to cancel things, why he has to skip phone calls.

As anyone been in a similar situation? What did you tell your child about one of their parents addiction issues and what advice would you give?

I think it very much depends on the age of the child, but at 11 an age appropriate version of the truth is suitable. You could tell her that her daddy is not very well and because of that he doesn't always make good decisions in his life. His illness means he isn't able to put his family first, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love her. You hope that in time he will find a way to get better and spend more time with her, but in the meanwhile the best thing to do is live life to the full and enjoy it with what she has. And tell her she's always allowed to ask questions.

My two were much older when their alcoholic father fully lost the plot (almost 15 and almost 17) so it was easier, but at 11 she'll get it - especially if she's already seeing it play out.

Thanks pointythings, I totally agree with you. In my situation I still have an ex in complete denial, lying, gaslighting and fully against her knowing the truth. Hates the thought of the Disney dad bubble being popped.

@Addictforanex it isn't up to him though. He's the one letting her down. If she understands that he isn't well and you tell her in words that are relatively mild, that's the best you can do. Right now, pretending all is well is probably not going to be the best thing.

My late husband was an alcoholic and my DDs cottoned on so much earlier than I would have expected. My DD1 was 11 when she first told me about how daddy often sat on the sofa on a Sunday morning drinking 'beer'.

I’ve told my kids - teens/twenties - that their DF is reliant on alcohol, because I don’t want them to think it’s normal or acceptable, but they aren’t bothered. They seem to think it’s ok for him to do whatever he wants. Part of me wishes I hadn’t said anything.

@KangarooKenny i worry about that too, that she somehow then accepts the situation as normal or “ok” - and not the morally bankrupt, illegal situation that it is that has almost ruined me. Sorry to hear things are hard.

I know the way to do this is focus on the illness and not turn it into a “dad is bad” thing. Worst case he’ll rewrite history and fill her head with crap and lies to minimize, deflect blame, and make him look better.

@pointythings i know you’re right. Sorry to hear your ex passed away, was it related to alcoholism? That’s another fear of mine, them losing him altogether.

@Addictforanex it was heart disease caused by alcohol abuse. I think your situation is different because it's cocaine, which is also illegal, but that is also bad for your heart.

I was lucky with my teens - or maybe not - because he had been so abusive to them that they had detached from him and just wanted him out of the house.

Have to vent. I am in utter despair 😞.

Had a family mediation session this week which I arranged to try to come to some agreement on when and how we tell DD what’s going on in her life and also to try to agree what access arrangements should be now that I know he is using heavily (previous access arrangements were predicated on him being sober so involved home driving her and having her in is flat now known to be drug den. )

It was fucking awful. He lied and lied and even tried to convince the mediator that I had a history of drug abuse (I do not). He said he had been categorically told that children should not be old about a parents addiction until they were 13/14 and even then only alcohol should be discussed. Drugs should not be talked about until the child is 16 /17 and of the other parent has ever used drugs (even once at a party) that also needed to be told to the children in the same conversation. When asked what his sources were for this bullshit which goes against every book/ research paper/ professional on the planet - he said fellowships are anon so he couldn’t share who but it was many many people, all unanimous in their advice. Said with a straight face. couldn’t make it up. Arse of a man. In such deep denial. Only thinking of himself not what’s right for DD. And obviously intent on slinging a tone of mud my way.

I also for reasons I can’t understand ended up agreeing to more access than I am
comfortable with. I don’t know why. I cant walk back from it. I hate him and hate that I can’t just ask him to fuck right off. He ruined me for nearly 15 years and still controls how I feel 5 years after we split. Haven’t spelt since Tuesday.

I can’t believe this is my life 😞.

*slept… but also clearly not spelling well either!

I have an ex who was an addict. I think I would be honest. Have the chat about drink/drugs making right choices as we get older. Then start to talk about dad perhaps not making the right choices. How that affects his decisions etc. It is good for her to feel safe around him but also to have an awareness.

Addicts will lie, lie and lie again , addiction makes them selfish, totally self involved.
You can’t allow your DD to be endangered by him drink or drug driving, even being in his home you don’t know who else will be there. Do you have a solicitor who might be able to advise you? You need someone fighting your corner with you. Would you call the police if you knew he was driving drunk or drugged up?

You know he's talking absolute bullshit, so go ahead and talk to your DD in age appropriate terms.

Are you legally obliged to abide by the access you 'agreed' in mediation? Because unless it's been run by the solicitors on both sides, I reckon you can row back on that, especially in the light of his heavy cocaine use.

And if you have any more mediation sessions I would request another mediator, because it sounds as if this one was useless.

I don’t know, because my 6YO doesn’t see her alcoholic father. He has better things to do, like drinking, to do, than be a parent. She’s never even met him.

I, however, grew up with coke head alcoholic mother and step Dad, and it damaged me immensely. I knew before I was 10 that they weren’t “right” and by 12 they were openly using in front of me.

OP you should have stepped the fuck up a long time ago and stopped all contact. You left him due to his addictions but have been happy to allow him contact with your DD. Shame on you.

@HardLanding OP may well not have a choice. The courts in the UK bend over backwards to allow shitty fathers to have contact. Addiction alone may well not be enough for a no contact situation. I was lucky - my two were old enough to say no contact and be heard if their dad had tried (he didn't), but it's different with an 11yo, even though their voice would carry some weight.

@HardLanding No need to be so rude to me, you don’t have any idea about my situation.

@pointythings no not legally binding, and I only agreed to a few extra hours this Sunday because it is his 50th birthday and she wants to go out for lunch with him. Still no driving, and the next week it is back to the very constrained access which he is kicking back against (which is why we went to mediation in the first place). I have restricted it to 2.5 hours in a public place and no driving, he wants it to back to the arrangements that were agreed to when he was sober, including the driving.

the Mediator was actually ok. I don’t blame her atall, actually for supposedly being neutral so was very much on my side. Where he was coming from and what he was saying was so far from reasonable.

But I am done with mediation, I can’t mediate with crazy. So next step is court but I worry they will be really soft to him like a PP said, no court would say he can’t have any access atall because he uses drugs.

It's an incredibly tough situation. Lunch for a special occasion is probably OK, but contact beyond that is more difficult. Have you asked your DD what she wants? If it goes to court, she will be asked and she will need to know about her dad's issues. You'll need to walk a delicate line here, because you don't want to be accused of alienation - but at the same time your DD needs to know that her dad has some problems and that he sometimes makes bad choices which might have an impact on her. Either way you absolutely need to tell her because she is entitled to make an informed choice.

i Know you are right, I agree with you and worry about the alienation thing too. See, if asked she would jump at chance to see more of him, hang out at his place more, she often asks if she can stay overnight which I have never allowed even when he was claiming to be sober. But if she knew the truth she may have a different view.

Ive been in touch with a child psychologist for a consultation about telling her - to make sure I get it completely right. But she can’t see me until mid November :(

I think getting professional advice is the best thing you can do, well done. I'm sorry the waiting time is so long, but it'll be worth it.