Selfish attitude?

[Indifferent59]

What kind of a partner... say for example.... did not like an ornament in the house, that I did like and was expensive, situates it on the edge teetering, so it could fall with the slightest vibration / touch - you ask them to stop doing it.

After a while, it will fall and break, and when you confront them announce in a superior tone 'I never touched it', basically saying it had nothing to do with him, yet previously laughed admitting that he placed it on the edge, because he did not like it. Also, will not listen to you, for example always collapses the next day after too much drink the day before - spoils it for everyone else as it frightened the younger members of the family at the time, you have to start bringing him around, calling ambulances - you tell him time and time again - please don't do it - but he does, constantly on edge, as he yet again and again spoils it for the whole immediate family - He got that bad once he was so paralytic, he got attacked by my work colleagues partner - (I have now lost that friend, due to the embarrassment and humiliation through awkwardness at work), No one at work knew about it - so embarrassing - he has lost me my friends - but he still has his. He ended up in A&E.

It had to get to that pitch for him to eventually cool the drinking down, but my constant warnings for years were ignored. I was very ill at one point - and he made a disgusting derogatory remark, with reference to 'Go and get some more medicine' whilst he culched his bottle of 2L Cider (every night, may I add).

Over the Years, I have put up with very immature behavior. At one time, at work, he had a good rapport with a a female colleague that's fine. However, when I went to a retirement party with him, a male colleague said 'Where is such and such' (the lady he had a good rapport with) - clearly mixing trouble - my husband was honestly like a little school boy, clearly enjoying it all. I was totally humiliated.

However, eventually after a lot of hard work on my part - he has eventually reduced the drinking, but that does not stop his stupid, arrogant ways. He dismisses me when I talk, as though he does not take me seriously - as though what I have to say, or contribute to is worth listening to, will not waste his time.

Flippant, derogatory and an air about him of superiority. We had his family around for dinner, and I was washing up, I came through to the lounge and could see there was seriously slightest dreg of wine in the glass, as I toughed his glass, he hugged it close to his chest and in a superior manner, with his nose in the air said 'I have not finished' - he likes to embarrass me. Please can someone tell me what kind of a person I am dealing with - I feel very hacked off with him at the moment, I am not in great health and he seriously does not appear to bother to ask if I am alright ever. He appears, very matter of fact and selfish. I am not like that, In all honesty, is it me that is insecure, because I have put up with it for many many years, or is this because I do not understand him? What I have mentioned is truly only very tip of the Iceberg.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You must be still getting something out of this otherwise why are you and he together?.

Why exactly have you put up with this from him over many years?. Its a question you should be asking yourself. You are dealing with an emotionally unhealthy and selfish person to say the very least. It's not your fault he is the ways he is and you did not make him that way either (his family did that). He's doing this to you because he can and feels entitled to do so. All he cares about is his own self.

You've also enabled him throughout your relationship and that is a decision that has cost you dearly. Did your mother behave similarly around her husband too?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up; I think you learnt an awful lot of damaging lessons about enabling and codependency from them.

Just because you have stayed in the past, doesn’t mean you have to stay with him now.

This kind of person is an alcoholic twat that you need to leave.

Smash the ornaments over his head.

Leave. You are worth more than this.

You don't need to understand him.
All you need to understand is the best way to remove yourself from this unsatisfactory situation.

He is a wanker. It’s not selfish behaviour. It’s the behaviour of someone who has a drink problem and likes to bully you.

Though, not sure you can blame him because someone attacked him, regardless of how drunk he was. Unless the friends partner was stopping him harming someone else, but then that wouldn’t be an attack.

However, doesn’t matter what happened then, he is a wanker and you need to leave.

Hi AttilaTheMeerkat,

Kind of you to answer so promptly - thank you. I recently retired, I have security for my family - I feel I have a responsibility to ensure this as I have a disabled son - security is important - it is important for my son also to maintain this, as his father deserted us when he was a baby - life was extremely difficult for me then.
As you say he is doing this because he feels he is entitled to - yes he cannot help the arrogant air about him - no I do not like it - I do not like the way he has been behaving - (but he was not always like that) I never have, and I can assure I have pulled him up over it many many times over the years. The arrogance and superiority , yes have always been there,, but were outweighed by the good things he did, such as his love at the time and encouragement / stepping stone to get on in life and build a home. - coupled with the drinking that started around eight years ago has been hell, but unlike some - I have tried at the marriage, but I have paid a price now, I am tired and weary - the changes re drink has come too late. His mum, is kind, but very patronizing, a snob but not associated with a true money person - an act. His Father, also in my opinion was very matter of fact a CEO, selfish but kind, and I know he thought the world of me, and I of him. My dad was a an alcoholic, dictating when he was full of ale - I hid my mum in the wardrobe, prior to him coming home from the pub, then she would come out when he sobered up. My mum had a stable, family - her mother was a cook - strict. I am a professional, but gained my qualifications - through my marriage, whilst bringing up my children - I was not a natural academic - I learnt to be, trained in life. This is my second marriage.

The question you have to ask yourself is is this how you see future. Living with a nasty selfish narcissistic sociopath, he's not about to change but you can. What your living and experiencing is not pleasurable of infact normal. Its as clear as day what you doing and that's to leave him.

If you have retired you know that you have what, 20 or 30 years left? Quite frankly, do you want to spend them with this utter twat? On your deathbed will you be glad that you spent all those years with him? If he becomes ill, and actually it's when he becomes ill, will you be happy to care for him? Now ask yourself whether he would care for you.

Cannot change - and yes you are all right, as much as it hurts. I cannot take anymore. Thank you, 🤗 just feel cheated & deflated - I tried.