Online dating

[Liamb123]

Hello everyone hope you’re all well :)

So I’ll get right into it, been talking to this girl I met on a dating app for 2 weeks now. It has been going good she seems interested in me and I’m interested in her we have good conversations plenty of banter and talks of future situations. We haven’t met yet but are going to if I’m honest I haven’t tried as I’m nervous to meet😂 Like she said she’d of met me yesterday if I’d of asked so I said I’ll meet her next weekend which I will if she’s serous about meeting.

Now this is the issue and why I’m here for advise as I am a very anxious person so I can read situations wrong but basically at some points in the day especially if she’s out on a weekend her replies can be so bad like she’ll take 4-5hours to reply to a message or sometimes just doesn’t reply for the rest of the night until the morning but she only does this mainly if she’s out with friends. In the day she replies pretty well and we have good consistent conversations.

So this has me thinking is she actually interested or is she just bored I mean I understand we’re just talking and she’s probably talking to other males as we’re both single and just talking at the min which is understandable tbh we have no loyalties to each other yet and I understand when she’s out of busy she’s not always going to reply. I think it’s just the way I am as I reply instantly to everyone as I just don’t have the ability to not reply to people it’s weird it’s like I have to reply so in my head I just don’t get how other people can go hours without replying and I can’t go 10mins even if I’m out with friends so it just gets me thinking and anxious.

So do you think she is interested? Is she just bored? Am I overthinking way too much?

Any advise is greatly appreciated
thanks

Over thinking way too much

I actually think you sound over invested in someone you've not met.

Fwiw she does sound interested but if you expect her to prioritise texting you when she's out with friends/family is not on. 4-5hrs for a response is perfectly reasonable for someone you're not in a relationship with (I sometimes take longer than 5 hours to reply to my long term partner and vice versa).

If I was considering a date with someone I hadn't yet met, I'd be texting every few days.....

Thank you for your reply :)

Yes I would totally agree I am way too invested and this my issue in my love life I get attached way way to quickly but I can’t help it I’ve tried everything to stop it. Yes I suppose I have it good then 😂 as she talks to me all day throughout the day tbh

Your thought process here would massively put me off.
I met plenty of men who I got great with on text, and then not at all in real life.
So, there's no way on Earth I would invest any thinking time now in to someone I've never met.
Also, another red flag to be is - do people who respond straight away not do anything at all? Never out with friends with no phone, never playing a sport with no phone etc etc

Yes I get what you’re saying and I agree my thought process is not the greatest and it annoys me but I just can’t stop it been this way I’ve tried 100s of times 😂 x

You sound infatuated.

Not everyone deals well with this stage - some people find it exciting and enjoy it, and other people find it terribly anxiety inducing and they overthink everything. Those people are sometimes better suited to the stability and calmness a longterm relationship can bring after this initial stage of dating has worn off.

OP - I would prepare yourself for the possibility that emotionally, you may be very different people, judging how you both are in this early stage, and that could be quite hard on the both of you longterm. Don't get over excited now.

Thank you for your great reply, you’re right and I always do prepare for the worst anyway.
I just hate how my mind works I just wish I was normal and didn’t get so attached, anxious and infatuated as it’s mentally it’s so unhealthy like this whole talking/dating absolutely drains me because of my anxiety and over emotional brain. But I am getting better with age im a lot better now then I was years ago so that’s the main thing.

With the greatest of respect can I ask do you have Aspergers?

It sounds like you might have an anxious attachment style (Google it if you don’t know what it means). I learned the hard way from investing too much early on and getting hurt. I also try to not be talking to someone longer than a week or so before meeting to reduce chances of over investing.

I would not even be messaging an actual partner, fiancé or husband all day and night if I was doing something else. Or even if I was just at home. And I would immediately block a random man from the internet if he commented about the time I had taken to reply to his messages. What have you been like with girlfriends in the past?

No I don’t or I’ve never been diagnosed with it. I do have ADHD and ADD though along with anxiety.

Yes I’ve just looked it up and that’s literally me. How can I change this

I think you need to be meeting people sooner, 3 weeks of talking all day everyday before you’ve even met won’t be helping with the overinvestment - you have all this angst & may not even like her in person

I don't think you're ready for a relationship yet. Please talk to someone about your fears and get some help on how to deal with them. It sounds like, with the best will in the world, you could put a lot of pressure on a relatively new relationship and perhaps not give it the best start it could have. Wood burns, but if you put too much on a starting flame, it smothers it out..

OP, I can see myself in some of your behaviour and in my case it stems from growing up with abusive parents. it’s really scary and daunting but I found that the only way I could cope with this is to fake it til you make it. I start to get panicky if my partner doesn’t reply straight away. I sit with the feeling and remind myself that there is nothing I can do to force anyone to act the way I want to. I ask myself if I am being reasonable by expecting a reply straight away. The answer is nearly always no. Then I try to breathe deeply and focus on something else and put the phone away.

remember that you have worth and deserve a loving partner. If this woman is not for you, so be it. You will find someone else. Meet people early on on OLD and don’t get emotionally invested until it’s really going somewhere. I would actually advise against texting before you meet other than to make plans for meeting. You don’t know each other. Good luck because you sound nice.

Yes you’re absolutely right “I start to get panicky if my partner doesn’t reply straight away” this is literally me. But I will add it’s not like I’ve invested 1000% energy into this 1 girl as I am also talking to a few other girls I’ve also met on the app and I know for a fact she’s also talking to other men I suppose I’m slightly more attached to the girl I’m talking about as we talk the most. But one of the other girls I talk to our sexual chemistry is literally crazy soon as we start talking it just leads to other things if you get me😂 but she only talks really for like a few hours every night so I’m not as close to her.

Until you meet them though you don’t know who you are talking to. You could find that in person, the sexual chemistry woman leaves you feeling cold. Pick one of them and go for a coffee, see if there is a spark and then take it from there, getting to know them in real life. I know so many people who waste hours texting people they never meet. It won’t lead anywhere and if you are interested in forming an intimate relationship, you should change your approach.

Yes I hear you, what approach should I take? Also I must add which I probably should of said before. I am a Muslim and the girls are also Muslim, I’m white English but all the girls are English-Pakistani which adds all new pressure as most family’s are not accepting of this and culturally it’s totally different from dating White non Muslim English girls. I think this aspect is also adding to my anxiety but I spoke about this with them and they say there family’s are open minded but still it’s a big pressure.

I think just pick one that you click with, have a coffee, see how it goes and if you feel a spark, take it from there. Stop having long text conversations where you get emotionally invested in people you haven’t met. If they say their families are open minded, take them at their word. Is there a reason you are pursuing exclusively women where you believe that their families wouldn’t approve of your relationship? I mean if you think that is the case, it doesn’t make sense to pursue them.

To be honest 1. I’m more attracted to Asian women than English women physically. 2. I’m a Muslim myself so I have to marry another Muslim women and that’s what I want.
But yes I most definitely am going to arrange to meet one or the other or maybe both this weekend and see if I like them in person.
Knowing my crazy emotions I’ll fall in love with both 😭😭😂😂

I nearly binned someone off as they hadn't asked for a meet after 2 weeks - he got it in just when I was contemplating sacking it off - with hindsight, would of been better if I had, but that's another story. No point text investing before you've even met, how long she takes to reply is not your concern and is overinvested in someone you might cringe at in person anyway.

I think this is great advice, too much chatting before meeting is a never good idea

Thank you all for your advice.

Going forward I’m going to try meet them with within the first week and if they don’t reply quick or say even read my messages and don’t reply for hours or even ever again for that matter, just think it doesn’t matter, they’re not your partner and if they want to go that’s totally fine their loss don’t let it get me down as I will find someone