Stuck in a rut

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DH's emotional affair is still going on because he remains in contact with OW. During their EA she claims to have moved her boyfriend in to live with her, she got married and is now pregnant. She still contacts DH and tells him she loves him (to me she swears on the life of her unborn child she has not been talking to him). DH denies they have been talking (but i have secretly been recording him so i know he is talking to her).
OW and DH have never met, she is in Romania and we are in the UK, She is also 30 years younger than DH.
What are they doing? He claims he's never given her a penny, so what is she doing with him?
Any ideas?

I should also say, this has been going on for over 2 years. I just don't understand why she is still in touch with him when she has so much going on in her life....I've read somewhere that when Romania women get their hands on a western guy they don't let go..so far this seems true. But why? What is she getting from it and I know he is in love with her from the conversations i've listened to.

He is sending money. Don't believe him when he says he isn't.

I agree about the money. He is either sending it, or she hopes he will send some in the future.

I’ve read something similar on here before.

Anyway, what do you want ?

You are focussing on the wrong thing, it shouldn’t be about what “she’s doing with him” … it should be about what you are doing with him? Why are you putting up with this?

People have affairs because they can, he’s having an affair because he wants to. She isn’t some predatory monster who’s for her claws into him, he’s made a choice to have a relationship with her. He’s made a choice to put your feelings behind his.

… of course his sending her money

He's financially supporting her, no question about that. Dig a little seeping into your bank / finances and the extent of his lies will unfold.

I have filed for divorce but he is dragging his feet with it. If he is sending her money i will know about it soon. I just can't get my head around the whole mess, they both deny the affair and she begs and pleads with me not to divorce him. He is an old fool and yes, he made the choice to carry it on, but after 25 years of marriage I can't get over the lies and deceit

He will not in love with him. It’s all a fantasy and escapism. He must be in his 50s or 60s? So it’s nice imagining some parallel life where he is still young and virile.
Its like some fantasy personalised porn really.

Up to you what you want to do really. If you would be happier on your own - leave?
If you stay - I’d keep close watch over finances and left him to it. I’d also start doing more with friends and generally focus on my own life, leaving him to his fantasy life.

@MMmomDD He is 55 and she is 26. I agree its a fantasy but I don't understand why he can't see it. I have filed for divorce because i can't put up with the lies and the way he treats me. He keeps his finances away from him, everything is paperless and if I ask about money he tells me I am only interested in his money, he's even called me a gold digger!

Well - in this case - divorce is the only way.
He’ll have to disclose his financials and you can get your share and he can do whatever he wants. Don’t let the ‘gold digger’ comments get to you. Men often get like that when they are faced with divorce.

I’d not get too worked up over ‘why’. He is getting older. Some of them get mental when faced with ageing and facing mortality. You won’t be able to make him see it all for what it is.

Best thing you can do is move on, and rebuild your life. Get happier. Maybe even meet someone else - if that is what you want.

Of course she doesn't want you to leave him because then he will have less money, so less if any to send her, he is sending money. And then also he will start "I'm free we can be together" when that is the last thing she wants.

So of course she wants you to stay with him miserable and betrayed. Can't you see this?

You are not in a rut you are in the process of divorcing the sad old sleeze who is happy to throw away his whole life on a sleezy fairytale.

Get that divorce sorted before you are trapped being his old age carer and resentment is all you have for the rest of your life.

She doesn't want him to leave you because she is not attracted to him and has no intention of being with him but still wants the cash. If he leaves you then he'll want to be with her and she'll have to reject him and then likely end up losing out on the money he's sending.

Thank you all for your replies. I thought it was money but the denies and laughing at me when i say this made me think that it might not be...but what is she wanting with a man she's never met and who is so much older than her - she tells him she loves him, she can now have him.
What is wrong with some men? I have been going through the menopause when his affair started, the emotions i have experienced and the very low thoughts i've had about ending my life....while he sits alone texting / emailing a young girl!

I'm really interested, has anyone experienced something similar to me? Where the EA is all done online - with a few calls thrown in. I keep thinking this is the classic scamming situation, she makes him fall in love with her and then starts saying she needs money (though not asking for it directly) and he offers to send some - she works for the European office at his work, so would she scam a work colleague? Could it be that they are in love? I feel I need to know the truth but when i ask him he tells me he can't remember anything about the 2 of them - he's trying to convince me it ended in March this year yet i have a recording of him talking to her 5 days ago.

Would she scam a work colleague? I’m afraid so. The perceived difference in standard of living , and the different cultural norms mean that this sort of behaviour would not attract the same opprobrium as it would here.

Or maybe she’s not ‘scamming him’, in the sense of totally deceiving him (I guess that as they have some ‘real life ‘ connection, she has to tell him some truths about her life as he might find them out anyway). However, like everyone else, I don’t believe that her only reward is the affection of a man old enough to be her Dad, in a foreign country. Nope.

OP, I don’t think the exact details matter in the long run. Your soon to be X does not value or esteem you as you deserve; you are right to be angry and unhappy. Try not to obsess about it, though. Start to plan your new life, which will be more fulfilling and tranquil than this horrid situation, I promise you.

I would say definite possibility of a scam of some kind but your husband is an idiot for falling for it.

He is probably already sending money to this woman. Of course the OW does not want you to divorce him as this would hit the finances she could be after.

I would perhaps contact the police as they may be able to provide some advice.. Romance scams were rife during lockdown.

Change your mindset, stop focusing on the lies / truth, you'll drive yourself insane.
You'll never know the truth but you know enough to start divorce proceedings.
Draw a line under it.
Continue on with the divorce and don't look back, hard to do after 25yrs.
Leave them to it, hold your head up and make a new life for yourself, be happy, that's the best revenge