Should I stay or should I go?

[Forevercatlady]

I have been with my SO for almost 2 years now. I am 28, have a good job, a house on my own, no children and don’t want any children of my own. He is 38, has 2 teenage children, lives at home with his mum and has lots of debt.
We don’t get a lot of time together because we both work shifts.

He’s been promising me for ages he would move in with me, as this would give us more time together but it’s never materialised. It has been a reason we’ve nearly ended a few times. However he says he can’t afford it even though I’ve offered to have him live with me rent free.

Around 9 months ago one of his children started to identify as transgender. As a result of this the child has fallen out with their mother who is not accepting of it, and wanted to live with Dad and Nana instead. Expected this would be temporary but it’s become permanent. So he now has a child full time.

Unfortunately even though we have been together a long time, he has never included me in his life with his children or family. He’s kept us very separate. So I’ve not been able to build up a relationship with them. I’ve never wanted children of my own but I have been willing to make efforts with his children because he’s worth it to me.

His mum also places quite a lot of need and demand on his attention and time. But he owes her a lot because she always bails him out with money.

We very much love each other, he makes me feel safe, he makes me laugh and we have lots in common. But he does let me down a lot. I often don’t feel important to him because of how excluded I am from his life. It’s like I’m just some girl who’s house he sleeps at once a week.

It has now got to the point where I am scared that I’m wasting my time and no matter how much I love him or he loves me, it just won’t work.

He has said to me in another 2 years he will be able to give me what I want and we could move in together. But we would have to relocate to near his child’s school. The problem I have is that I don’t want a full time child. There is a lot I want to do with my life and with a partner before I take on the responsibility of a child full time.
So I am sort of just biding time hoping his child goes back to live with their mum. But that may never happen.

Is love enough in this situation or is there too much going against us?
I really want to be with him but I can’t keep going on like this for another 2 years or more.
Please help.

He is offering you "jam tomorrow".

In your shoes, I like to think I would have the strength to end it and build a life for myself based on today, rather than tomorrow

We never know what we are capable of, until we are actually tested I hope you find the strength to avoid wasting your life today for a promise which may never happen.

Are you seriously asking us whether you have a future with this man? It's obvious from the first line is that you don't! He lives with his mother for God's sake! He has children who live with him which you don't want. No reason why you would want that. He is in a lot of debt and doesn't seem to be doing anything about that. He can't even afford to live with you rent free.

I hope this is a joke because it just seems so ridiculous that you would want to have him live with you.

You know the answer to this one, don't you? He didn't even want to move in with you after 2 years, preferring to live with his parents than move in with his girlfriend for free? I'd have been insulted! Now there are even more obstacles in his way.

I honestly think you've had a lucky escape. You don't want children living with you full time, so I'm sure you definitely don't want to be dealing with a teen with emotional/mental health issues on a daily basis who you don't even have a relationship with yet. (That in itself it's very odd after 2 years.)

I would say LTB, but quite honestly, there's not really much of a relationship to leave.

What have your friends said about this?

Time to end it OP. I'm all for taking things slowly and not rushing, but if you're 28 and have been together 2 years it's not reasonable to expect you to wait another 2 years before you even move in together. And also, what will have changed by then? What reasons against moving in exist now, which won't be the same in 2 years? Unless there's something specific, I think he's fobbing you off and the 2 year deadline will move even further into the future.

> has debt
>lives with mum
> 10 years older
> parent

At 28 these would have been huge negatives for me. Thank goodness you are still young and can move on to achieve.

Definitely walk away.

You have been and indeed are wasting your time with this man child, a man child at that who lives with his mother mainly because it suits him to do so. He’s also up to his eyes in debt.

What on earth attracted you to him in the first place, is your relationship bar really that low?. What are you getting out of this so called relationship now?.

End it. And don’t ever offer to ‘keep’ a man.

He's a pathetic mummys boy who's led you on for 2 years. Dump the loser and find someone worthy of your time and attention!

I don't think anyone would tell you to stay after reading what you have posted. You are so far down this mans list of priorities it's very sad. You could do so mischief better someone who wants to spend their life with you and make you their number one. And also someone to be equal financially too. End it and move on with your life he is dead wood

You need to call it a day.

He has too much going on to fully give to a new relationship.

He needs to sort things out in his life including his debt and the things going on with his kids, rather than leave one supported situation with his mum to rent free with you and bring all these issues with him. All of this could take years putting you in your mid 30s before you can move in with each other and find out it doesn’t work.

You are young and have a great set up with no ties with children, spend your time finding someone similar and enjoy a great life together.

How is he making you feel safe because, if after 2 years, I hadn't met family, that would prove that I was a 'not so significant other'?
You've formed a strong attachment to him, so are ignoring many incompatibilities and negatives coming from his side, it's quite a list of why you should move on.
Some thing to consider, is the reasons he got himself into so much debt, that after 2 years living with his mother, it sounds as if its still sizeable, although he's working and living rent free?
I'd say its lucky he hasn't taken you up on your offer of moving in. He's done you a favour there as he could of become a cock-lodger and it turns out you would of ended up with his DC living with you, or he would of moved back with his mother at that point. It is a concern that you have basically offered up opportunity for him to become a cock-lodger on a plate, which suggests that your feelings for him have caused you to be vulnerable to be taken advantage of.
Overall, this says more about how you attach to someone, more than anything else. He's clearly wrong for you. Quite possibly knows this himself, so is keeping you at a distance. This is resulting in you accepting scraps of a relationship, you should think about why you are accepting that and tying yourself to a bad situation at such a young age, when you should be enjoying life.

Thanks everyone. I do know myself I’m not getting what I deserve out of the relationship. I know it probably seems like a no brainer.
But the very sad thing is despite all of the issues he still treats me better than other men have. He is a good man with a good heart. He accepts me for me and puts up with me when I’m difficult. I suffer with low mood and anxiety a lot. So that’s why I’m scared to leave. As you can probably tell my self esteem is very low so that’s why I ignored the red flags in the first place. And I thought things with him would be very different by now. I don’t want to have wasted the past 2 years by giving up now.
I already wasted 7 years in an abusive relationship which I left 4 years ago.
We work for the same organisation and I’m scared that if I end it, shortly down the line I’ll hear about him with someone else - giving them everything I should’ve had.

With all due respect op, knowing u won’t leave him, why make a post asking ‘should I stay or leave?’. I do think u need to get some counselling and some help to improve your self esteem so you can move on from this ridiculous relationship

Not read the full thread but two years isnt a long time especially if you only see each other once a week.

He doesn't want you. He wants sex without the graft. Ditch him and don't look back.

Don't walk, RUN from this one before you get dragged down. Sorry, he is not a keeper.

Instead of offering to fund this waster you should be investing your money on therapy and medication of low mood.

Invest in yourself and give yourself some chance of making better decisions which will lead to a better life.

Your relationship bar is on the floor.

You need to invest in raising that bar.

Goid luck.

Stopped reading after the first paragraph. You need to leave.

If you think this is a good man with a good heart (he is not), I hate to think what these other men have been like towards you. Your boundaries here, already well skewed by previous abusive relationships, are being further messed with by this man now. It's not altogether surprising therefore that all this has led to you being anxious and depressed. This particular individual you are with now also targeted you and deliberately to further exploit and use; you ignored the red flags precisely because your relationship bar is at ground level.

Please contact Womens Aid to enlist their help and from that enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme particularly if you have not already done this. It will help you no end move forward and away from this and other abusive relationships you have been in. Look too at what your parents taught you about relationships when you were growing up; there may be issues stemming from their example too.

re your comment;
"I don’t want to have wasted the past 2 years by giving up now."

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs because such thinking is an example of the sunk costs fallacy. There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested too much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.” That is what you're basically saying in your quoted comment.

This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

Thank you everyone. I appreciate your thoughts. I just wanted to get some unbiased perspective to help me find the strength and encouragement to walk away

Good luck OP. I hope you find a man who has more to give to you.