Don't know how to support DH

[nuggles]

Sorry for the long post. I just don't know what to do at the moment with my DH. We've been married for 10 years, 3 kids under 8. First year we almost split up a few times but seem to have ridden the wave well until recently.

Both work full time and lead busy lives.
We moved house a few months ago and since then it's just been constant bickering over the kids fighting, no progress made on the house, work etc. Even his family have noticed we bicker now.

DH has a very demanding job, he's the main earner in the family and sees a lot of financial responsibility as on his shoulders even though I keep saying to share things more (he won't - perhaps it's the stereotypical Indian pride).

He keeps implying I should leave work so I can look after our youngest who's 2. As when he works from home 1 day a week (when I'm in the office) he says he gets nothing done in the 3 hours DC is home. I love working after taking a 4 year maternity gap - and am reducing my days to 3 from October so I can spend more time with our 2 year old - although my income will reduce loads.

He's become very negative all the time, never wants to do anything as says what's the point we never have fun with the kids as they all fight.

I love him dearly but am starting to question a lot about both our feelings, how can I help support him even though he's not wiling to open up. Sex life is non-existent but I can't blame him for not feeling like it when he's so stressed all the time. I feel like he may be displaying signs of depression, or maybe it's just the effects of stress. I don't know, nor will he talk to me.

I have suggested he takes a break and has some space from us all but he doesn't want to. I need the space. It's really hard being around him. He's a good dad but flies off the handle with the kids ever so quickly. A few times he's really shouted at our 5 year old (he has similar personality to DH mum) and I feel he treats him unfairly as a result. Not violent though but really unfair on him.

I just feel like I don't know what to do. I just know our house is not a great environment at the moment

First question... Why are your children fighting so much? Why are you and your husband allowing that? It must cause a huge amount of stress in the household.

Also, moving house is literally one of the most stressful things we can do as human beings. It creates an enormous amount of upheaval. Financial, emotional, and physical. Don't underestimate that.

Thank you for replying. The two elder ones are just over a year apart (5&7), boys, and very competitive. Everything and every game turns into an argument between them two. I've tried lots of different strategies like different activities, i do exercise or play football with them most days.

They are good kids. It does get hard when we are both working all the time and they fight for our attention. I think our house just feels loud all the time. It is exhausting. Everything feels stressful at the moment

May I ask, what was it like before you moved house?

Who is looking after your 2yo when your DH is WFH?

I have sympathy with him in that how can he be looking after a 2yo while he's working? And that's not what he's paid for. I'd be feeling the stress if that too and it would make me frustrated and snappy. However, I don't think you should have to give up work just to cover those few hours. Can't you find an alternative care arrangement?

He's obviously under a lot of stress at work, the house move, doing the house up, bickering kids. It's a lot for both of you. I feel at my most stressed when I know there's a lot for me to do but it's just hanging over my head and I'm not actually sorting anything out. So could you make a schedule for dealing with the obvious causes of the stress - sorting the house, childcare, etc? And then look once he feels that things are getting more under control, have a chat with divvying up responsibilities to give him a bit of help. (Don't take on too much - you're doing most of the childcare.)

Thank you for your replies.

My 2 year old is at nursery half day while he's working at home, so he only has 3 hours with her. She's at nursery 4 half days and usually I'm working at home when she is home. I feel guilty about this too which is partly why I'm ready In laws have her 1 day a week. Will be easier after a few months when she's at nursery 5 days.

Before we moved house DH was a bit more relaxed. The move coincided with his changing jobs in the same workplace - he's had a lot going on.

Good suggestions on making plans. We do have a priority list for jobs on the house. I guess it's frustrating that it's taking much longer to accomplish the tasks we want to with kids in tow. We only have his parents nearby although they work most weekends as have their own business.

Do your employers know you are doing childcare during work hours?

Yes they do. I work in a child team. I am very fortunate to have flexibility with my role

So what do you do with your 2yo whilst you are working?

2 year old usually naps for a while after nursery and then combination of playing with her toys/me taking breaks with her/short walks around the break (which is very much encouraged by my company).

My role is a marketing one which luckily means I can adapt and work later if I need to. Not ideal which is why leaving or reducing hours seems to be what's needed to help all around in my house

So what does your DH do on his watch when he is meant to be working and doing childcare?

2 year old will have a nap after nursery then play with toys when DH is working at home. I'm home 2.5 hours after and take 2 year old to collect the older 2 with me

Could you increase her nursery hours on the day that DH works from home?

We have looked into that. The nursery 2 year old attends only does morning or afternoon shifts. We are changing nurseries in a few months once DC is 3 so that will be much easier and better for DC too.

Juggling childcare and work is a massive challenge of its own kind

It’s not appropriate for him to care for a 3yr old when he’s being paid to work. We have a rule of no under school age children present when you’re WFH, you’re expected to pay for childcare just as you would if in the office. That will be adding more stress. I’d start cracking down on the kids arguing and fighting, they are old enough to have consequences for poor behaviour

I don't think your setup is sustainable. Toddlers that age need dedicated childcare and you both need to be able to focus and concentrate at work

If you child is being mistreated, then you need to issue an ultimatum. Don't make them grow up in a harmful environment.