Step children’s bed time

[Hannahbanana1986]

My husband gets his two children every other weekend from Friday - Monday. 7 and 10 years old, we have had numerous conversations over their bed time as he never sets anything is stone and seems to let them go to bed when HE feels like it. Sometimes this can be 8.30pm (to me this is a usual bedtime and should be set in stone) and other times it goes past 10.30pm - 11pm and he still hasn’t sent them to bed. It absolutely baffles me, and I have often said they need to go to bed now which I don’t think I should have to do. Years ago pre covid we agreed 8.30 (9pm in summer) was a good bedtime but it was rarely stuck too then I feel like the sergeant major for bringing it up! At the moment they seem to stay up until gone 10pm at night, am I being unreasonable in thinking this is too late for the 7 year old? My husband says he does this because he doesn’t get to see her much, again am I being unreasonable in thinking this is insanely selfish of him? I also think if I was to have a child how on Earth would it fit around all of this. I speak to him about it and he ends the conversation with what he thinks or single sentence answers and I am fed up! It’s like having 3 children with him and I am not one to enforce rules myself just think he needs to take some more responsibility! AIBU?

Honestly 8.30 at the weekend seems very early for a 10 year old. My 9 year old goes later than that through the week…

Ds is usually in bed for half 8 - sometimes on a weekend we're watching a film / he's playing or whatever and we just forget and lose track of time

Dh was out last night and me and ds got a takeaway and had a chill. It was half 10 when we went to bed! He's 10

I’d think that was fine on the Saturday night, but not the Sunday night before school. It really affects children at school if they’ve had a late night.

God maybe I am over thinking it it never seems to just happen to me … but maybe it does in husbands eyes! I think because he is so carefree I become full of rules it drives me nuts!

Tbh my 8 and 10 year old are often up late at weekends. They are literally never asleep by 830 although i would expect them to be in bedroom by then on a school night
I can understand why he wants them up if he misses them.

It seems tricky thst you dont feel you can speak to him about it. You mentioned having a baby...kids grow so quick. Once the 10 year old is a teen they will be up in the evenings anyway

Sounds like you want them out of the way. Kids stay up late at the weekend for a treat. Perhaps more so if their parent hasn't seen them much.

I think it's fine for children to be up slightly later on weekends, however as a PP said, they should be in bed at a reasonable time on the Sunday for school the next day.

My DSC used to be up later at the weekend when they were with DH. Tbf they were a little bit older. My youngest DS is 10 and he's in bed asleep by 8:30 /9 most nights. We don't change it for the weekend unless there is something special going on. As DSC got older they were up until 10 even when we had our DCs - it's not a problem - easier actually as you can get baby/ little ones down and then do something with SDC before they go to bed. They were back at their DMs on Sunday to get an earlier night before school.

My 6yo SC goes to sleep at 10.30pm and my 13yo SC doesn’t have a bed time, normally stays up in his room till atleast 2/3am, tends to be a bit earlier on a school night. One word of advice that I have learnt, pick your battles, bed time isn’t a hill to die on, and when you have children it won’t even cause any issue as SC will be older anyways. I like to think of it as natural consequences, they still have to be up in the morning for school no matter how tired they are.

Yabvu
It's only every second weekend
You set the times 830/9 pre covid so years ago when 3&6 or 4&7 is very different to 7&10. Lots of parents don't have set in stone bedtimes for the weekend.
He only sees them 2 out of 14 why shouldn't he allow them to stay up later spend more time with them, they haven't school on the morning
If I were you I'd be making plans for yourself for one of evenings they are there so it's time for just them and their dad, your not nagging about bed
You seem very intense

Thats not good LorW 2/3am for the 13 year old far too late for a 6 year old they must be shattered at school they wouldn't be able to function properly

While 8.30 is early, I think you do need to agree a plan. It’s in the interests of the kids. If they are having ad hoc bedtimes at weekends, it is going to impact on their sleep on the Sunday when presumably they are back at their mum’s. Routine will help - say Fridays are 9.00pm, and Saturdays they can stay up later as long as they are in pj by x time, movie over by y time, and lights out at 10. Are their day times structured when with you, eg football at 10?

Yeah I know, not my rules unfortunately. Like I say I pick my battles.

The eldest seems to have regulated himself much better since he’s been back at school so I suppose that is something.

Do your step children know this is a source of conflict and that these are your views? I ask because my dd's step-mum (according to DD) enforces bedtimes that her dad wouldn't on his own (and that I don't) - and dd resents her for it. (She is a lovely child and would not let this show to her step mom - but still the resentment is there).

For the sake of harmony I would just let it go if I were you - not worth causing hassle and possible resentment over. It's only every other weekend. Just let him deal with his kids if they are over tired and grumpy in the morning for example. (I don't know if they are - just thinking of what the negative consequences could be).

I don't enforce bedtime at weekends myself - DD is 10. On school nights I do so more.

Everything is completely unstructured and I used to blame myself for this but now I think F it. I’ve tried too long and hard to fight this. I agree with a lot of things people have said on this post then it makes me doubt I go with the flow… then wonder why things don’t work out how I expect them too! Possibly another post all together… thank you all for the comments it has made me realise it isn’t all black and white and untimely their dads decision.

@Ilovelurchers Really interesting thank you!! I would never enforce… I know my place. Even reading your post makes me cringe with over stepping!

I think it’s more the worry of the 7 year old, she seems frantic by 10pm to me and overly tired I really am just trying to look out for her but getting told she’s fine by her dad and feel like who I am to argue.

I am going to try to chill out which ironically I used to do very naturally before I met husband!!

OP, think long and hard about having a baby with a man whom you have such communication difficulties with, who already has children.

The step parenting part of this site is invaluable reading to show just how challenging it can be.

Many posters admit to being understandably, spectacularly naive, as to just how difficult it can be for a first time mother to juggle husband, step children and a new baby.

Well worth a look!

I would suggest you go to the Step Parenting board for advice. People who aren’t step parents just wouldn’t understand. If you live in that house you deserve a voice.