Feeling's for someone else

[ConfuseMum01]

Please no criticism
Long story short I can't stop thinking about one of my partners oldest friends I've been with my partner for 21yr and I do love him but we have been together since we were 15yr old we have 2 kids who are both grown up now but I really do believe if it wasn't for us having them we really wouldn't still be together anyway around 7 year ago I started getting feelings for a friend of his but pushed them aside anyway we moved house so not seeing him didn't stop them feeling's but did stop them becoming a problem until last year him and his friend reconnected then those feelings came flooding back then a few months ago me and his friend started chatting over messages at first the messages were just normal harmless chatting as he is also in a long-term relationship and they have young children but after a while the flirting started and i told him straight up that I had liked him since we first met 7yr ago and he didn't say anything like he felt the same or anything but we were talking about meeting up not to start a affair just to talk and try make sense of what was happening but before we had a chance to my partner found out about us messaging eachother he didn't find out everything just that we were chatting anyway the messaging stopped I can't stop thinking about him I'm not saying I've fell completely in love but I do have strong feelings for him and I miss talking to him anyway today I received a Facebook friend request from him and I stupidly accepted we started talking again but it isn't like before it more just general friend hi how are you chat but I don't understand why he would message me him knowing the way I feel I don't no what to do I don't want to bring everything up again but I don't understand why he has contacted me knowing the way I feel.
I need advice what to do I feel as if he is playing with my feelings now but truthfully I don't want to cut all ties with him because I'd rather have him as a friend then to not have him at all but is that making a bad situation worse I don't know what to do.

Break up with your husband and stop making him look like a fool.

You are both being incredibly disloyal towards him, you as a wife and him as a friend.

I've tried ending the relationship in the past and he refuses to leave he isn't exactly the perfect partner he was addicted to drugs and he has been violent in the past although he did seek help and its been over 3 years since he has lifted a hand or touched a drug its hard to tell him things I no he isn't going to like because of things that has happened previously but I have sat him down since then and told him I'm not happy and I think we are only still together because it's all we have ever known and he refuses to leave the last thing I want is to hurt him I still love him no matter what happens and I always will the relationship is dead anyway his out nearly every night I do absolutely everything on my own and I can't even remember the last time we just sat down and had a conversation but he thinks that's OK and it's normal

You end your relationship. First and foremost.

He sounds like a dick. But cheating on a dick makes you a dick. Cut off Contact from the friend.

Still no excuse.

And this friend is in a relationship, why hurt another woman.

Leave your husband, contact Womens Aid for advice.

@BrazilBrazil I no its no excuse I didn't post this to be judged which seems to be exactly what you are doing like I said nothing physical has happened between me and the friend I no that doesn't make the situation any better but I'm not a complete b*#ch I understand he has a family and the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone that includes his family but I also don't want myself to be in the situation I'm currently in hence why I was asking for advice.

@Teenprobs thank you for the advice and also thank you for not judging me

after a while the flirting started and i told him straight up that I had
liked him since we first met 7yr ago and he didn't say anything like he
felt the same or anything but we were talking about meeting up not to
start a affair just to talk and try make sense of what was happening but
before we had a chance to my partner found out about us messaging
eachother he didn't find out everything just that we were chatting
anyway the messaging stopped I can't stop thinking about him I'm not
saying I've fell completely in love but I do have strong feelings for
him and I miss talking to him

Affairs are not just sex.
would you be happy if your husband had been laying himself on a plate for some other woman ?

What you are doing is deceitful and saying the last thing you want to do is hurt his family is a lie.
You are hurting them.

Sorry if that sounds judgemental.
But it's the truth.

It sounds as if you're relationship has reached breaking point with or without the felling you have for the other man I'd advise you get out of that relationship if you and the other man are destiny to be together then it will happen in its own time good luck

What do you want to hear? There are a few options:

1. get divorced and see what, if anything, happens with this crush. You are not happy and it is silly to continue.
2. stay in your marriage, block crush everywhere—no contact at all. Try to make things with with your spouse and put as much distance as possible between you and crush. It is a crush with a guy willing to flirt with his friends wife—which doesn’t sound great to me.
3. continue to flirt, maybe cheat physically, wait for spouses/partner to find out, be humiliated and devastated, and then you can take it from there.

I HAVE NOT LAY MYSELF ON A PLATE!
You can't control who you get feelings for and as for saying I am lying about not wanting to hurt anyone is definitely judgment BELIEVE me if I didn't care about hurting anyone I'd of slept with him a million times already now if you don't mind I prefer you not to post anymore replies

"Sounds judgmental"
I'm sorry it was judgmental she wanted advice not judgment like she said you can't help who you fall for yes it's wrong but I do believe she already knows that
@ConfuseMum01
My advice end your relationship and cut ties with the friend as someone else already said they both sound like dicks be the better person and walk away

Ok just leave your husband and allow him to find someone who is not in love with his friend.

Sounds reasonable.

By the way you don't love your husband.
Love does not look and sound like this.

You can't control who you get feelings for

No, but you can control how you react to those feelings.

No judgement from me, I can see how you're in this situation and why you feel the way you do, however you know what's right and adultery is right up there with bad stuff no matter what the reason. Once you and this guy are both single you won't be doing anything wrong technically, but end your marriage first and do it properly citing your reasons for being so unhappy. Its not a crime to get divorced, and now you don't even need a reason! Good luck OP

I think this other guy is a red herring. He’s shown himself to be untrustworthy in any case so I don’t think he’s your answer to anything.

Most people are not still with the person they were with at 15 and there are very good reasons for that. If your children are already grown then you and your partner clearly embarked on parenthood very young and you’re probably right that you wouldn’t still be together if you hadn’t had children, particularly since your partner brought significant problems into the relationship (eg drugs, some violence).

It sounds like you would be happier away from your partner. He’s going to resist that but you don’t need his permission to end the relationship. However, since you’re the one who wants to end it, I do think you either need to be the one who leaves or you need to accept that you and he will be sharing your home until it is sold (if you can do that safely). It would be different if the abuse were ongoing but you say it’s been 3 years since there has been any. So I think it would be difficult to get an occupation order anyway - at least not without a bit of a court battle.

The other man sounds like an absolute prize, drugs and violence. Crack on kiddo.