No love for baby, worried

[Truppp]

My pregnancy has been really stressful. Ex became very unwell early on and it’s obvious we cannot continue the relationship, he has huge things to deal with. I’ve also had a rough time physically. Been off work which is unusual for me. I’m 8 months now and have lots of midwife support and they know I feel like this but I can’t change. I try and talk to him, buy things for him but I just don’t want this at all. If I could go back now I would get a termination immediately. I don’t even feel bad for saying that even though I know it IS bad. I’m aware this is so awful for this poor baby but emotionally I just don’t care. I don’t want him. I have thought about adoption but genuinely couldn’t do that I don’t know why. Earlier i was trying to think about what I could do to get through the next few months as I just see utter hell ahead. I always envisaged a partner or husband and this to be an exciting time but it isn’t. I hate feeling them move and how restricted I am. I’m an awful person. Truly am. I feel so scared for the future.

You’re not an awful person. 9 months is a long time and anything can happen in that time —- illness, a change in circumstances , homelessness, a death —- we can’t plan for everything. Shit things happen.
Are your midwives supportive? If they are lean on them.
Do you have family, mum, sister , aunt who can help support you?
You do have options. You could ask the SS to arrange foster care for your baby, you don’t have to go as far as adoption.
Regarding your partner’s health, does he have support other than you?

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this. I had a rough first pregnancy, but not as rough as you've had it, and I felt similar to you. Just dread for the future, no connection to the baby, no thoughts about how my life would look with a baby in it. I was really depressed.
Id like to say 'and then I had my baby and it was love at first sight!' but obviously it wasn't, I was majorly depressed and continued to have no bond with him. I couldn't understand it, he was a much wanted baby, and I'd never had problems loving anyone before. I felt terrible.
It took a major mental health crisis for me to get the help and support I needed. It was a long process. But I slowly bonded with him, I slowly grew into my role as a mother, and my life slowly became enjoyable again.
You've been through so much OP. there is nothing wrong in the world that you might be having doubts about this, or feeling unconnected to the baby.
But it sounds like you don't want to give him up for adoption, and that maybe, a part of you wants to be his mum? Just the fact that you've been trying to connect sounds like you care about him.
So please take the pressure off yourself. Make sure the midwives know how you're feeling, and if you need to, push for a referral to perinatal mental health services (who are amazing ime). Surround yourself with people who will support you and care for you. Concentrate on your own mental health and happiness. Don't focus on how you feel now, or even after the birth. Try and figure out if there's a part of you that wants to be a mum, and if there is, know that in time you will grow to be a great mum- the perfect mum for your baby. Wishing you lots of luck x

@Thetractorjustmoved thank you. I always wanted to be a mum. My whole life. Just not like this, not with this horrific situation with my ex, not with all the other stress. I feel like I can’t cope. How long did it take you to feel anything? Did you still manage to care for them? I can’t even bring myself to think of a name. I hate myself so so much I know it is so awful to feel this way.

Sorry you’re having such a tough time.
Don’t feel guilty, you’re not a bad person. You’re in a really tough situation and many people would feel how you do if they were in the same situation.

The only (hopefully useful) advice I can give is to say that I didn’t really feel any bond with my baby at all before he was born, and even when he was born it wasn’t instant, it kind of developed over the first 6 months.

So even though you’re not feeling a bond now, it doesn’t mean you can’t develop one later down the line if you decide against adoption/fostering.

It's ok to feel like this. Do you have other support- family, friends?
I started bonding with my baby when he was about 4 or 5 months, when I'd started taking antidepressants and having therapy. I started really feeling like life was better than it was before when I went back to work, and found that I could have my 'normal' life, as well as a baby.
It's very hard, it is. With depression it's a thousand times harder. My best advice would be- seek medical help, and let people help you. I think in reality, very few new mums feel happy all the way through pregnancy, and in the early days. Pregnancy is very scary, lots of change, lots of pressure to feel a certain way (plus all the physical stuff). New motherhood is the same. There is nothing 'wrong' with you, you're dealing with some extremely hard times.
But don't write yourself off as a mum. Some of the very best mums I know have had extremely rocky starts. I include myself in that list!
But do seek help. The perinatal mental health team will see this kind of thing all the time. Just unload to someone, and you might feel reassured. It might help if you try and plan out the first few months of having a baby- in terms of people who you can rely on, and help you can get, and just a bit more support around you. X

@Thetractorjustmoved thanks so kind. I’m worried about anti depressants because I couldn’t breastfeed and then also what if I had a worse reaction to them etc. I don’t know. I just wish I cared. Even when I look at clothes I feel nothing.

@Truppp truly don't worry about antidepressants. I'm currently pregnant again and am on sertraline still. The pyschiatrist had no worries about me staying on it, and subsequently breastfeeding, the risks are minimal. There are plenty of safe ones in pregnancy and for breastfeeding, so don't be put off by that.
They won't cure you but they might help you cope a bit better, and feel more optimistic about the future. Please do try and get mental health support, I really wish I'd had some in pregnancy.
Also don't worry about not getting excited for clothes etc! I'm sure maybe some women do, but for a lot of people, it really is hard to imagine having a baby before they actually arrive. My (non depressed) friends seem to have only 'got into' the baby idea once it's arrived, in terms of bonding and all that. I think it's pretty common!

You can absolutely breastfeed on antidepressants, I am currently with my 7 month old on sertraline. I started taking it again in late pregnancy this time. There are a fair few approved for use now during pregnancy and breastfeeding.

I would say though that breastfeeding can be very hard for some women and that challenge/discomfort may cause you more bonding issues than bottle feeding. I've bottle fed one and breastfed one, both had tongue ties. It is absolutely not the easy route to start with. I know some women/babies find it natural and painless, but so many don't, and that's not a reflection on you. I only mention this due to the immense guilt with my first when I couldn't feed him, it really compounded my PND.

My first very much wanted ds, I did not bond with for weeks. Many women don't for months. You just have to meet their basic needs and provide lots of physical contact.

Take up and seek out whatever support you can. Speak to midwives, the health visitor when she calls.

OP, are you in a position to treat yourself? I think you could do with some cheering up right now.

There are lots of women out there who love babies, love children.....but who don't let their children develop their own personalities and that causes all sorts of conflict and damage when they're older.

My point is, is that not all parents are a gooey and soft in the baby stage. You might feel differently once the child can talk, play and go to school. I think that being anxious about it is going to kill any soft feelings because you'll be analysing yourself so much that they'll be strangled.

There is a type of depression that manifests itself in numbness - you're just numb to positive feelings, enthusiasm, drive and joy. It doesn't mean you need to be medicated (anti-depressants could make you even more numb) but it's something to keep an eye on.